Smalltalk for that looming Christmas party

Have you ever been backed into a corner at a party by that one guy, you know the guy, he's pretty drunk, thinks you're cute and thinks that he's even more charming when he's sloshed and is therefore hell bent on talking AT you until he wins you over or you are overcome by his 80 proof charm and wit? [or his breath]

You try rolling yourself into a metaphorical ball…… pretending to be conversationally dead so the bear doesn't maul you, but every time you open your mouth ….three words in……no matter what you bring up the bear has a new story ON THAT VERY TOPIC that he just HAS to tell you so you can't just politely slide away?

I have a solution.

Arm yourself with trivia so you can outbear the bear.

Am I always thinking of you guys or what?

Office parties are approaching...start now..... there's no time to lose..... bone up on your useless information so you can be armed and dangerous and ready for whatever conversational hurdles the holiday season throws at you.

Two bits of trivia ammo:

#1-Do you know how they harvest almonds?

They drive this huge machine equipped with these rubber gripped "arms" up to the tree and shake it until all the nuts fall to the ground, then drive a giant sweeper [a lot like a street sweeper] all around the shaken up trees and gather the nuts. Really. HERE'S THE VIDEO. [you get points if you load this video onto your phone and actually show it to the guy]

#2-Stephen Colbert is sponsoring the US Olympic Speedskating Team. Really. He is. HERE'S THE ARTICLE. The team lost their main sponsor so Stephen and the Colbert Nation stepped in to fund the team. This news broke back on November 2, 2009 so the guy probably heard about it then, and therefore you get points for telling him old news. And again, if you load the article onto your phone or link to the video clip of Stephen announcing it on the Colbert Report and then stand there waxing on and on in a swoony way about how cute Stephen's ears are for the next five minutes…..I think you'll be able to shake the guy.

Worked for me.

Well, I also accidentally spilled my dip on him and then stepped on him with really pointy shoes, but you get the general idea.

Depending on how short your dress is or how deep the v….. add one to four more pieces of trivia.

[Dip, mace and pointy shoes are optional]

Coincidentally Judy posted a wondrous list of useless/useful trivia this morning....just the stuff you need to load yourself for bear. I like the one about the "feeling fist" but the one about marijuana is interesting too.

But what a way to go -- flash fiction

Brian stopped fiddling with the radio and turned on the windshield wipers as it began to drizzle. He needed to pay attention to the road and stop letting his thoughts drift to Sheila. God, Sheila. She was going to be the death of him.

He felt like a teenager again. As soon as he saw her he was hard. Hell, just thinking about her he was hard. He grinned ruefully and shook his head slightly to clear it. Everything he knew and read and that was shouted at him from the media these days said that he shouldn't be feeling like this at his age.

He was firmly in the demographic of the target audience of the little blue pills. So was Sheila. But Sheila? Man….. Sheila was something special.

He refocused on the wet pavement and drove along smiling to himself over how surprised she was going to be when he arrived a day early. Only four more hours. Four more hours and he could slide his hands around her waist and bury his nose in ……his cell phone ringing brought his focus back to the task at hand.

He fumbled for it on the passenger seat and saw with a jolt to his system that it was Sheila calling. He flipped the phone open and stuck it to his ear driving with one hand.

"Brian?"

"Hey, I was just thinking about you."

"Are you safely sitting down in the hotel?"

"Yes" he lied.

"Oh good, because I wanted to tell you that I was just in the shower and I was thinking about something that I thought you might enjoy hearing about….." She laughed that throaty laugh that he loved. He tightened his grip on the steering wheel.

"What were you thinking about?"

"I was thinking about you while I ran my hands over my body slowly feeling all the curves and swells, delicately soaping my breasts, my ribs, my waist, the inside of my creamy white thighs….. thinking about you as I arched my back to the hot shower spray letting it slide over my sweet heart shaped ass…he could hear her smiling into the phone.…picture everything she was describing…see her white skin pinkening under the hot spray in his mind's eye….he tipped his head back and made a little sound….

"You still with me big fella?"

Sheila's low teasing voice was overridden by the blinding headlights and the blast of the semi's horn as Brian dropped the phone, jerked the wheel to the right and swerved back into his lane inches from the grill of the semi. He managed to control the slide and wound up on the berm of the road with his heart pounding. He swallowed hard and scrambled on the floor mat for the phone.

"Baby? Baby are you alright? What was that sound? Did you drop the phone?"

He could hear the concern in her voice.

"I'm fine honey. I just accidentally dropped the remote and the phone at the same time…. you know what kind of effect you have on me, God…all the blood ran out of my head and into my …well…..everything's fine…. I turned the tv back down, sorry for the interruption….….you were saying?"

Here's a link to this week's 54 stories at Mad Utopia

Wanted: Witty banter

I love witty banter. I love it person, I love it in email, I love it on tv and of course I love it in movies.

I was watching The Thin Man the other day. Nick Charles is in bed after being shot by a bad guy. His wife Nora brings him a bunch of newspapers and drops them on the bed. Nick picks one up, reads the headline and flourishes it at Nora.

Nick: I'm a hero. I was shot twice in the Tribune.

Nora: I read where you were shot five times in the tabloids.

Nick: It's not true. He didn't come anywhere near my tabloids.