Monday, September 28, 2009

World wide wondering

Do you ever really know someone? Oh you can know their favorite color, where they grew up, how they got the scar on their left pinky, their birthday, their favorite movie actor, why they're afraid of spiders, their mother's maiden name. All things that you could use to steal their identity, but are these collected things, these little peeks into the window of the mind and soul enough things to steal yourself into their heart and mind? In the time of information overload, how much information is necessary to plant a seed in another heart so that it can grow to fruition and become a relationship? Is friendship made with words, with deeds, with touch, with text, with gestures? Is connection built slowly on a foundation of small steps or is it built on giant leaps of faith where you grasp the hand of another, virtual or otherwise, close your eyes , take that leap……… and trust?

I've always been a person who trusted easily. And sometimes that has come back to bite me in the butt.

But it's hard for me to imagine living my life closed up and off from other people. I don't mind being vulnerable in a lot of situations because if my guard is down it means that I'm really communicating with another soul.

If my heart is open then I'm making a space for the other person to come inside of me.

And I don't just mean physically. I mean inside of my heart, my mind my being.

To really get under my skin.

When you work to get that connection, that real understanding of another person's wants, needs and desires, then it makes the physical aspect so much deeper and more connected.

And if you actually understand your own wants, needs and desires, well then you're ahead of the game.

A lot of people go their whole life without ever really knowing themselves, let alone getting to know those around them.

I think that what I'm talking about is really trying to connect on a level where you can accept another person for who and for what they really are and not be blinded to reality by your own projection of what you think they are or what you'd like them to be.

A friend of mine recently said to me "I think that most relationships fail because of things that were there in the beginning but because of lust, loneliness or wishful thinking people tend to sweep issues under the rug until later on when there are other problems."

[she's very wise]

So my question is I guess, how long does it take to build trust? Is leaping a good idea? Do lasting friendships happen for adults like they do for children?

You bonk someone on the head with your tonka truck and after apologizing then you're bff?

And here's a big one…..

Can men and women just be friends?

Ok, now you guys just take your time.

Slow steady deep breaths.

Don't want anybody's head to explode……….. [again]


P.S. I wrote the first six lines in response to a writing challenge in brevity. It's AMAZING what you can say in just six lines. And it really concentrates the mind. Kind of like the prospect of being hanged in the morning….....



Karen from Mentor said...

And yes the line "kind of like the prospect of being hanged in the morning" is a Terry Pratchett quote....
This has been a public service announcement for any of you who are actually paying attention and/or keeping score at home....


estrella05azul said...

Unfortunately I know what you mean and what you must have felt with trust and openness coming back to bite you in the tush.
I'm like that too.

You raise some serious questions, and I think often they depend on the particular person.

Trust takes different amounts of time to build, I'm sure people don't trust someone who's always late as quickly as they grow to trust someone punctual.

Leaping... we all do it. It does seem like a bad idea if more often bad things came of it then good ones. Maybe we should just listen to our hearts and take a leap, however making sure there is a way back at our reach.

I think lasting friendships do happen for adults as well as for children, otherwise we would be so very lonely...

The tonka truck scenario is interesting, it could happen. Probably not right away but after you get to know them better (notice I'm not saying "get to know them . period" I believe we can't really get to know anyone as well as they know themselves).

Women can make friends easier than men because of our maternal instinct and naturally high emotivity.

Women and men can be just friends, or at least that's my opinion. Or at least some of them ;)

Cat Connor said...

We're no different to children - adults make lasting friendships too! We can recognize quickly traits that are familiar and that we send out signals (even over the WWW) that draw people to us.
People who come into our lives are there for a reason. Some will stay, some won't. It's as it should be.

Of course men and women can be just friends. :-)
As I grew up most of my friends were male, and now, it's the same! LOL

Karen from Mentor said...

oh good Cat you don't fall into the when Harry met Sally group about men and women being friends.

I also think that everyone you contact teaches you something good or bad even if your contact is brief. Good is always better, but hey, bad can help you grow as a person when you survive it with grace....

But I do hope that we're different than children in some regards...but come to think of it I know a lot of grownups that are just big and THAT can go either way...depending on whether you have to clean up the messes [literal and figurative] that they make in your life.

Hugs honey!
thanks for surfing in on the WWW to chime in.

Karen from Mentor said...

Hey Estrella!
This line of your comment struck me as especially poignant

"I think lasting friendships do happen for adults as well as for children, otherwise we would be so very lonely...."


Rachel said...

Let me attempt to answer your questions!

A) I have never bonked a friend over the head with a tonka truck. Also, most of my childhood friends I do not talk to. Those that I do talk to, I talk to rarely. We don't ever get to see each other and seeing people is a big part of a relationship for me. Or at least talking on a regular basis, and most people are too busy for that because of college and whatnot. So if adults can't make lasting friendships, I'm in trouble.

B)I don't know about women making friends easier, but I DO know men make easier friends. That is, guys make so much more sense. I'm a woman, and I STILL don't understand the rest of you crazy people.

Which means C) Of course men and women can just be friends. I'd go crazy, I mean absolutely crazy, if they didn't.

And finally, D) I think you should always be friends before dating. You get to know the person without them trying to impress you. Otherwise, how do you know they're not a serial killer?

j said...

C'mon, Karen, I said sorry really, really nicely after the Tonka truck incident. I was even wearing the tiara you gave me so you'd see how sincere I was.

I agree with you that I would rather be open to hurt than closed off by fear. I trust easily too. I haven't been burned. I think it is one of my super powers that I attract really amazing people into my life. (People who don't stay mad when I demonstrate Tonka-as-head-bonker technology.) HUGS? =)

Karen from Mentor said...

OH J, Don't be silly, you can hardly see the scar from the truck incident and anyway the doc did a really neat job with all NINE stitches.

In your case head bonking was just the right tactic. But nobody else get any ideas....we were four at the time.....

Karen from Mentor said...

Hey Rachel, thanks for chiming in. I agree on the friends before dating thing.

But I'm still working on some sort of force field for not transmitting all of my adorableness in huge blasts so as not to overwhelm the male species.

Once I have that technique down I think male friends will be easier to deal with.

As it is now ..... as I said before...they just follow me home like stray puppies... *sigh*

Maybe I should stop carrying pepperoni in my pockets.


Karen from Mentor said...

Oh, and Rachel?
At this point I have some gorgeous female friends that make so much sense when they share stuff from their own life perspective....and I highly recommend the female species for the nurturing thing....

I've known serial killers of both sexes, so let's not discriminate.
hugs honey!

Alan said...

Have you ever been threatened with an early hanging?

Karen from Mentor said...

It was only the one time. And the governor intervened in time..... but I did have a really nice "last" meal.....


Rachel said...

Oh I'm not saying women can't say things that make sense now and again. Just like if you get enough chimps at typewriters, words are bound to come out! It's more the things that we do, not the things we say, that I don't get.

Rachel said...

Because, as we all know, what women say is NOT what they want.

Karen from Mentor said...

going to insert a disclaimer here....

the views expressed by the commenters on Miscellaneous Yammering are not necessarily the views of the owner.

I think the last commenter's view of women may be skewed by the fact that she's surrounded by women of college [and drinking] age who may be more prone to emotional mood swings due to the pressures of college [and drinking]


Although this particular commenter does not imbibe, but I've heard some of the stories.

And babe? You need to hang out with more *adult* women. WE ROCK.

Karen from Mentor said...

oh! And I just hear all the stories from the guy's point of view since in your classes you are surrounded by a sea of men trying to find love and happiness.....[or at least a date]

so we'll adjust for that...but still....women and chimps?????


laughing.... the sighing thing? That's fun.

Lettera22 said...

K: The first thing that comes to mind is some of my female friends who are relationship junkies and "collect" people. I doubt they've ever reached down deep inside and asked themselves the questions you've posed, after all, isn't digging through a cavernous designer handbag in search of the little wand of lip gloss (instant sex appeal in one swipe!) the same thing? They'd date a gorilla, as long as he had decent table manners and picked up the check as long as they're able to say they're in a relationship. I make friends easily but I'm more cautious now about letting people get close. Maybe it's because I'm older and I have more secrets!
Very astute questions on your part and that's WHY you're a good writer. You ask the hard questions, the kind that make me feel edgy because I've been "there" before and when "it" was over, I'd chastize myself cause I should have known better...but in actuality, I should have known "them" better. You're spot on.

Karen from Mentor said...

Hey Jen,
The "dating a gorilla" made me think of that song Is she really going out with him?

I like the idea of should have known THEM better versus should have known better....that's where experience comes in handy. IF we learn from our mistakes...

The thing I've learned?

Humans are complicated.....glad I'm an alien.

Mark Kerstetter said...

Can we ever completely know a person, even one we've lived with for years? Probably not, and maybe that's a good thing.

I wish I was as trusting as you, but I'm very cautious. Even so I try very hard to be open and frank, and to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, or else a friendly climate cannot even arise. That's not quite the same as being trusting, which involves letting go completely. It seems to me that adults don't do that readily; it takes time.

Men and women can certainly be friends, but again, careful, careful!

Karen from Mentor said...

Hey Mark,
I like people in general and have developed pretty good radar as to who means me harm. And of late I have had some instances where being so open has opened me to less than ideal situations, but on the flip side it's opened up AMAZING situations as well.....with a lot of deep connectivity and I LOVE that when that happens.

Leaping can be fun, but slow cautious exploration can be really fun as well...

So, I will say that we should all harken to the wise advice of both you and Estrella...leap, but make sure there's a net.

Thanks for chiming in.
Karen :0)