Friday, May 7, 2010

Crazy for loving you ---------flash fiction

When the red mist cleared I started to regret zip tying you to the light pole out in front of the house. Especially once the cops found you there, naked, on your knees, back to the pole, hands and ankles bound behind you, sporting those six fresh stitches in your dick that you tried to explain away as just a foolish night out with the boys on a business trip, you know how it is....

When they saw the big red A on your chest and the note duct taped to your big hairy gut, the cardboard box at your feet starting to get soggy with snow, they called for back up and cordoned you off with yellow tape.

More cop cars arrived, their lights strobing the frozen landscape with color, drawing a crowd of neighbors standing pressed to their windows, only Cranky Max down the street nosy enough to brave the cold to come out and ask what was what.

When the cops arrived, I thought they'd just wrap you in something from the pile of shredded clothes on the lawn in the hope of preventing frost bite and take you to a hotel.

I didn't realize they might think it was a bomb squad sort of situation. I guess I didn't think the whole thing through. It was just such a shock to have you come home like that, reeking of tequila and so obviously having screwed around.

You said I was crazy for minding, that it didn't mean a thing, that it's not cheating when it's done in a group….. besides it wasn't like you'd paid for it, the whole thing was on the expense account for christ's sake…..well except for the midgets, they were extra.

I stood and listened as long as I could before I headed for my car, you following me, continuing to tell me I was crazy for minding….right up until you fell on the ice and knocked yourself silly.

That's when I tied you to the light pole.

But now, even though I regret it, I don't think that was the crazy part. I think I was crazy for…. well, everybody knows how the song goes. And at least I only used lipstick for the A on your chest, ignoring the devil on my shoulder urging me to use the "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" electric carving knife you brought back for a souvenir…..

Anyhow, Tony, the big Italian cop who showed up and stood everybody down after reading the note and looking inside the box filled with wrestle mania dvd's, said that what I had done was perfectly understandable in the circumstances.

Now you'll have to excuse me while I get back to smashing and shredding the rest of your crap. I'd like to get most of it done before Tony gets back with the pizza. He's newly divorced and said he still has some pent up aggression toward his ex. He said he'd help in any way he could.

I loved the way he looked at me when he said it. Looks like even if I don't get all your stuff smashed in the next couple of hours, it's going to be a long night after all…..

39 comments:

Laura Eno said...

Midgets were extra, huh? *laughing*

Wild imagination here, girl...( I won't let on that this is part of your autobiography)

Have fun, uh, shredding with Tony. :)

Gracie said...

I was laughing by the time you got to "zip-tying" and then I couldn't stop. I just knew she'd killed him, though. But your ending is much better than the one I pictured.

"Midgets were extra." ROFLMAO.

It's a sheer joy to read your work. All of it.

I love this story.

Marisa Birns said...

Trying to put a serious face on here because, after all, her heart was broken but, bwahahahah!

Great stuff, Karen. Though something does trouble me. It's not...not...Tony Noland whose THAT Tony bringing the pizza to her, right?

Aislinn O'Connor said...

But WHY does she regret zip-tying him to the light pole? Ah, yeah, I get it - the light pole didn't deserve the humiliation... Hope she enjoys the pizza! Great story :D

Karen from Mentor said...

@ Marisa, that would be a "no" ...laughing..

@ Gracie, Thank you, I liked the zip ties too. And I picture the duct tape being wound round and round to hold the note on. With all that hair, it'll be funnier when it comes off.

@ Laura, Now Laura, you know I can't discuss the veracity of the story. Statute of limitations and all that.

You guys rock. Lots of giggling on this end.

Karen from Mentor said...

Love that reason Aislinn. I had in the back of my mind that it was more that the neighbors had to see it, but the poor poor light pole. You're right, it didn't deserve to be treated like that.

Joanie Rich said...

The details here sell it! I love the line about wanting to use the carving knife instead of the lipstick. That was my favorite part. And the midgets... holy cow! Really fun to read.

Karen from Mentor said...

Thank you Joanie, and thank you for taking the time to comment.


And for giving me a great segue opening:
Speaking of details, I want to put in a disclaimer here for those who would object to the words "dick" and "midget".... I know that "little people" is a more pc term, but that makes me think of children and ick...and as far as dick goes...that just makes me think of Nixon, so for comedy purposes that word works on every level for me....

Cat Connor said...

Oh now that was a very satisfying read. All trolls should end up like that. :-)

John Wiswell said...

I think "Nixon" is a more offensive word than "dick" to many than people.

This was wacky, Karen. Just what I've come to expect from you.

Karen from Mentor said...

Yay, I was getting worried that no men would comment....laughing...thanks for representing your sex John.

So glad you still found it satisfying even though she resisted her darker impulses Cat. Double Yay.

Hey, I didn't kill anyone this week.

*looks startled*

Cat Connor said...

It's okay I killed twice to make up for your lack of death... :-)

Karen from Mentor said...

Good deal. Balance restored to the universe then. :0)

ganymeder said...

What can I say? Awesome.

Susan Cross said...

Funny, funny, funny! I wondered myself if any men were going to comment. I'll bet they will be very careful about what they say to you in the future.

KjM said...

"At least I only used lipstick..."

Yes, I was worried about branding. This piece went wonderfully over the top and then brought smoothly home with pizza - and Tony.

"...some pent up aggression toward his ex..." A perfectly matched pair.

judy said...

The midgets being extra killed me. Loved this!

Jen Brubacher said...

Now THIS is revenge. :) A well-toed line between revenge and crazy, anyway. Nicely played.

Karen from Mentor said...

I don't know how well she toed the non crazy line, what with all the smashing of property, but hey, she didn't use the knife, so she showed SOME self control.

Thanks for stopping in and taking the time to comment, Jen.
:0)

Karen from Mentor said...

I have to admit that was my favorite line in the whole bit Judy.

Thanks for the "awesome" Cathy.

Susan? I'm going to have to start naming my characters....laughing....men will have to be careful of what they say to her not me, I can safely say that I've never hog tied or duct taped anyone to a light pole except in fiction. Oh I may have thought about it, but nope, never done it.... laughing some more.

Thanks for stopping in guys. Really enjoying the comments.

Karen from Mentor said...

Thank you for the "wonderfully over the top" Kevin. This was a lot of fun to write. I giggled and giggled.

And yes, I'm sensing that she and Tony will be well matched in the working off the pent up aggression department.
[but that's a different story]

Alan W. Davidson said...

Cleaver and funny. But of course we always expect that from you. I like the opening and the regret she expresses. Not so much for tying him to the light pole, but for the the escallation of the incident.

"I didn't realize they might think it was a bomb squad sort of situation. I guess I didn't think the whole thing through."

Subtle and hilarious, Karen.

Cathy Olliffe said...

Zip ties are the new duct tape.

Man, where were you and your funky extremely well written ideas when my ex was cheatin on me????

And hey, we're not crazy for lovin' you at all.

Anne Tyler Lord said...

Karen, what a masterpiece of your crazy imagination! I loved the whole thing - but those beginning paras are amazing. They get the reader twisted with eyes popping from the very beginning. Geez, where do you come up with this stuff.

You are an amazing writing! I never know what I am going to get when I come here, I only know it will be totally unexpected!

Carrie said...

My kind of flash. Fantastic execution.

Sulci Collective said...

Humiliation in public, nothing to the thought of stitches being sown into a dick. And you wondered why men were initially reticent to come forward and comment? It's hard to type while one hand reflexively covers the crotch area. Owwww is all I can say (and tee hee hee).

I love spurned lovers revenge stories. In fact my novel starts with one. Let's just say she left the thorns on the long stemmed roses...

marc nash

PJ said...

All I can say to this is "LOL"! I was LOL-ing all the way through this story. Extremely funny stuff paired with terrific writing - a terrific combo :-D

Karen from Mentor said...

PJ, I love lol-ing that word just looks like something a big happy dog would do...head tipped to the side, grinning, tongue lolling out of his mouth...it's a great visual, but maybe you had to be there....

Thank you for the "terrific"
:0)

Karen from Mentor said...

Marc the combination of the visual you described while typing and the owwwwwwww and the tee hee hee made me giggle. I just knew you'd like this one.
Thanks for stopping in to help represent the men in the audience.
:0)

Karen from Mentor said...

And speaking of men representing the reading audience, thank you Alan for the "subtle and hilarious." Most of the humor in this piece is so broad, that I wasn't sure the things that were layered in would be picked up. Glad that you saw them hiding there waving at you.
[grins HUGELY]
:0)

Karen from Mentor said...

Cathy I certainly don't advocate doing any of these things, but man are they fun to imagine laughing.....
That said.... if you ever need help moving a body.....
[grins at you]

Karen from Mentor said...

Anne I really enjoyed your description of a reader's reaction to the opening. It made me laugh a lot. And as far as where the crazy ideas come from....we'll just say that I have heard a LOT of stories in my day and leave it at that.

Glad you enjoyed it Carrie!

Thank you all for taking the time to read and comment.

*skips happily off*

Sam said...

Superb! Midgets and zip ties - LMAO!!! Very much enjoyed reading this, can't wait for your autobiography to be out in print. ;)

jc said...

k.
Did he or didn't he. Makes me CRAZY. Not knowing. That's how it should be though, but still...
Good piece!

gman jc

Eric J. Krause said...

Wait! So what happens in Vegas doesn't really stay in Vegas? Hmm...need to rethink next weekend.

Good, funny story!

Karen from Mentor said...

Especially not with all those security cameras Eric!

jc- I tried calling you to answer your question, but you're out. I hope whatever was making you crazy about the characters doesn't keep you up tonight....laughing...

Ah, Sam, were my life only as interesting as my stories..... oh hey, just wrote a story about finding a bag of gold in a filing cabinet....hang on....*rummage rummage rummage*..drats! .... only files. *sigh*


Thanks to all you guys for stopping in and taking the time to comment.
I really appreciate it!
:0)

Al Bruno III said...

Why are the hotties always the crazy ones?

Great story!

Karen from Mentor said...

Thanks Al for the "great story"... but I have question about your question...

*looks puzzled*

Tony was hot but not overtly crazy, the narrator was hot but only temporarily crazed when drastically provoked, and the tied up delusional husband was -according to witnesses familiar with shrinkage- apparently very very cold when found by the police ....so...Here's my question....exactly who are we discussing as a crazy hottie again?

[grins at you]

Thanks for stopping in.
:0)

Karen from Mentor said...

Oh and jc? Now that I know your question I can answer it.

No the tied up husband didn't die from exposure. When he came to his senses he retreated to a mountain top to contemplate his navel for a year. Then he moved to albuquerque where he's currently making a modest living mud wrestling alligators.

Thanks for asking. It's always nice to have closure.