Thursday, June 17, 2010

Junket……………. flash fiction

Time travel is possible. I know because it happened to me. The odd thing is I didn't climb into some fanciful contraption painstakingly sculpted from some hard to obtain metal, or stand on a fiendishly clever continuum slicing platform wringing my hands and laughing maniacally while my misshapen assistant pulled the lever to raise the lighting rod to the sky. I didn't do anything that a mad genius normally does to travel forward or backward in time.

I simply logged in to my email account. It opened, I read the first subject line and that's when I got sucked into a wormhole that landed me smack dab back into a place from my past. It was a place that I'd sworn never to return to, but, there I was, clad only in thin leopard print baby doll pajamas, back on a space ship orbiting Octothorpe Plasmatic, staring down into the lopsided eyes of Glycerin.

Glycerin, oh how I hated him. He had wooed me, called himself my patron, admired me for my art and arranged a spectacular inter-galactic tour of my show. About three weeks in, his admiration turned to lust and when I didn't acquiesce, he abandoned me. Left me on a Walmo forsaken asteroid with only a box of graham crackers and a harmonica to my name. And every damn fool knows that if you eat graham crackers and then play your harmonica it's goodbye harmonica. The bastard.

Well this time I wasn't going to let him get away with anything. He could tell the troopers his side of the story after I kicked three kinds of snot out of him and his bodyguards and went to the nearest Jada station to report my abduction. I took a breath to tell him to go to hell and was stopped cold by two little words.

"I'm sorry."

Glycerin had actually said he was sorry. I pinched myself to make sure I was awake and then twaddled my pinky in my ear. His big sad droopy jowls wobbled a bit and some orange tears ran out of his eyes. He leaned forward and put four of his tentacles on his desk:

"I really am sorry Jules, I should never have done what I did to you. Do you think you could find it in your heart to forgive me?"

Well, damn, this was a fine how do you do. I was all set to kick some ass and now I had all this adrenaline floating around in my system and nothing to spend it on. But wait a minute here, I stalked back and forth a couple of times in front of his desk and then snapped:

"You couldn't have sent me a card or something? You had to yank me out of my home and bring me here to you to tell me that you're sorry? Don't you see that what you just did is almost as bad as what you did the last time? Have you learned nothing about inter-personal relationships since we were together last?"

"As a matter of fact I've had some therapy. Dr. Gomdu helped me a lot toward finding out what causes me to treat other beings disrespectfully. And in our last session we were working together to help me to control the urges that cause me to demand instant gratification."

"And are you getting anywhere with this Dr. Gomdu?"

"I think we were making a lot of progress, yes."

"So where is this doctor now, I'd like to have a word with him."

"I'm sorry to say that I ate him."

"You ate him? YOU ATE HIM? You're telling me that you found a therapist and while you were working together YOU ATE HIM?"

"Yes, and I'm very sorry about it." He stood and signaled to his body guards:

"I'm even sorrier to say that I have room for dessert."

Luckily I still had enough adrenaline coursing through me to kick four kinds of snot out of Glycerin and his cohorts. Unfortunately, as it turned out after I wiped the floor with them and tossed them out of the air lock, I found out from the secretarial staff that Glycerin had eaten the man who had designed the time travel worm hole and no one knew how to get me back to Dominix within a hundred years of when I was snatched.

So now I'm heading up Glycerin's empire. All in all Glycerin needing to apologize hadn't been such a bad experience for me. If only I could get some mental windshield wipers to cleanse the image of Glycerin exploding as he hit open space from my mind. It was like watching a blender full of strawberries mixed with undercooked sausages rain on your windshield. Sometimes I still wake up screaming in the night.


 

37 comments:

Laurita said...

I love it when your stories contain tentacles. I'm glad there was ass kicking. I was a little disappointed when it seemed there would be none, but then POW!

And please tell me you got a new harmonica.

Rachel said...

Ewwwww, mental image begone! May I never eat sausages and strawberries together again.

Laura Eno said...

Tentacles and ass-kicking...what more could one ask for?

I do think you need to lay off the sugary stuff late at night though. Your imagination is now stuck in overdrive. At least you didn't put your poor giraffe in the leopard print pjs...

David G Shrock said...

This one has some serious punch. There's always room for dessert, and this story is tasty.

ganymeder said...

Funny and disgusting. What's not to love! I'm sooooo glad you're back. :)

John Wiswell said...

So in the future, when I've wronged you grievously, I should just leave you in your native time and run my empire as-is, right?

Al Bruno III said...

Strange and crazy work here! I love it when I have my sanity damaged by experts!

Great story.

Marisa Birns said...

Now I know why I haven't seen you in a while. You've been doing time travel research! I always knew there was more to email than what was being touted. *nods wisely*

I was about to make a breakfast smoothie with strawberries. But maybe English muffin will be better. *nods wisely*

Loved this!!! :)

Emma Newman said...

Whoa! What a ride :) Crazy tale, I can just imagine someone blurting this all out, hands on hips, furious. Refreshing!

mazzz in Leeds said...

Wildly imaginative, love it!
the harmonica part was particularly hilarious, but the whole thing was great fun :-)

Karen from Mentor said...

@ Mazz I have a sneaking suspicion that you've tried the playing an instrument directly after a snack thing. It's not pretty is it?

@Em To a bartender! Or in front of a woman's empowerment meeting...*scribbling furiously*

Thanks for stopping in and taking the time to comment guys. Much appreciated!
:0)

Karen from Mentor said...

@ Marisa and Rachel. Sorry to spoil strawberries for you. [grins sheepishly] Thank you soooooo much for the "loved this" Marisa. That made my morning. And anytime Rachel chimes in on something I've written I skip off in delight.
*happy sigh*

You guys rock!

Eric J. Krause said...

Excellent! Great lines throughout, but of course the image of him exploding in space was by far the best. Great story!

Karen from Mentor said...

@Laurita and Laura *puts "write something with a giraffe in pajamas" and "get a new harmonica" on to do list*

Glad that this had JUST ENOUGH ass kicking and tentacles for you. I always aim to please.


Tee shirt slogan:

"Tentacles, even when they're just a side note, add flavor to any story."

That line will open a bit I'm going to tell next week by the way. A true story that will make you both go ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Bwahahahaha

Hugs my lovelies! Thanks for stopping in.

Karen from Mentor said...

@Eric why am I not even a little bit surprised that the gorey ending to the hungry Glycerin was your favorite part? Thank you for the "excellent" those are nine terrific letters to see strung together in a comment.

@Al Woo hoo!!!
"Karen Schindler-offering sanity damaging fiction on a weekly basis"
I just added that to my business card.

Thanks for stopping in guys. And thanks for putting Junket on your "recommended reads" listing Al- love that when it happens.

Karen from Mentor said...

@ John -No worries- You have my solemn promise that even if you drag me out of my current time loop for some nefarious reason that I won't throw you out of an air lock.
*thinks about it a minute*

But just fair warning? I do have access to Cat's copy of 1,000 ways to kill someone... so...just tread carefully, ok?

@ David Why did I hear your comment in the voice of Bill Cosby? Weird. Must be the acoustics in here.

@ Cathy With you having a small boy running loose in the house I'm not surprised that disgusting and funny delighted you. I lean more toward funny as you know, but disgusting worked in this particular instance. [Damn that Glycerin, exploding was a fate too good for him]

Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to comment guys. Much appreciated.
:0)

jdanetyler said...

Wow! Exploding in space, strawberries and undercooked sausages, snot (4 kinds), tentacles and ass-kicking. This one's got it ALL!

Fantastic!

Sulci Collective said...

He ate his therapist - man that's what I call transference!

Good wholesome fun - loved the names of the characters in particular

marc nash

Louise Dragon said...

Interesting story . . . very fun to read!

Adam J. Keeper said...

Really groovy collection of characters and that spaceship name is fantastic!

Alan W. Davidson said...

Upon hearing the description of this wonky-eyed Glycerin guy I figured I knew him. But then I realised the one I know only has 2 tentacles. BTW, loved the leopard print pajamas. Great job, Karen!

Carrie said...

Girl, that was gross. LOL! Loved it!

Valerie said...

Too funny. Now she just has to make sure she doesn't accidentally meet herself and cause a paradox that could destroy the entire universe!

Linda said...

LOL! This is great! Though I keep reading subject lines... loved the three kinds of snot. Such a sassy voice. Peace...

shannon said...

It's ok. I sided with Glycerin because I ate my therapist too. :-P hehe, Loved it & Missed you!

Gracie said...

Now you see, some therapists NEED to be eaten. And I'm going to use "Slapped 3-4 kinds of snot out of him" in everyday language.

*wipes laughter-tears from eyes*

So glad you're back, dear. This was utterly hilarious. Note to self: Never have strawberries and sausages at the same time. Hee hee!

Karen from Mentor said...

Shannon, you ate your therapist? laughing...was your therapist a pint of Ben & Jerry's chunkymonkey?

@ Linda Thanks! Writing about snot and monsters exploding was certainly a departure for me. Sometimes I have no idea where the characters are going to go. I just let them talk. Jules was fun to listen to. She was just so PEEVED about the whole thing.

@ Carrie, I KNOW! And I don't do gross, but oh man that visual just kills me.

Thanks for stopping in and taking the time to comment guys. It's really appreciated.

:0)

Karen from Mentor said...

@ Valerie, the whole time paradox thing makes my head hurt and then my eyes start to bleed. So I try not to think about it.

But now I am..... oh damn...and I was wearing white too...
*sigh*

Karen from Mentor said...

@ Marc "that's what I call transference."
ladylike *snort*

@ Adam Thanks! Since you write scifi you know that sometimes the name really sets the stage in the reader's head. Octothorpe Plasmatic has been laying around on a scrap of paper on my desk for about a month. I was DE-LIGHTED when it worked for this story.

@jdanetyler Thank you for the "fantastic"-- It was great of both you and Louise to take the time to stop in and comment. Haven't seen you in a while! Much appreciated.
:0)

Karen from Mentor said...

@ Alan,
You know a guy named Glycerin? And he only has 2 tentacles?
*shocked pause*
How the heck does he floss without falling over?

Karen from Mentor said...

@ Gracie,
I LOVE making you laugh til you cry.
That just makes my day.
If you get to the point where you're in any danger of falling out of your chair, let me know, I'll send you a complimentary Miscellaneous Yammering bungee cord to secure yourself to your desk chair.

*Hugs Gracie and skips happily off*

G.P. Ching said...

This is brilliant...BRILLIANT! I honestly think you could build a novel around this. I love the voice. Two tentacles up!

KjM said...

This sucked me in right from the beginning - not unlike that email, I guess.

What a romp! It just didn't stop to let me take a breather until that last line - and what a line!

What I particularly enjoyed is you didn't spoon-feed your reader, just took me along for the ride, confident that I'd cope.

Poor Glycerin - he/it was making progress. At least enough to know to say "Sorry". :)

Excellently done. Most enjoyable.

Karen from Mentor said...

Kevin your comments always delight me. I still think you should let me clone you. Glad you enjoyed it. *big hug*

GP-- I love a brilliant, and a BRILLIANT, is even better. I've got some ideas kicking around for a YA scifi romp. I'm waiting for them to coalesce into one MEGA idea. When that happens, I think it will be a LOT of fun to get on the page.

Thank you both for stopping in and taking the time to comment.
:0)

Anne Tyler Lord said...

Holy strawberries & sausages! What a crazy ride you just took me on! I think you threw a few of my synapses - with great laughter and wild imagery.

I love that name - Glycerin - now I am going to remember this story every time I unwrap a bar of soap.

That story was so hot, it burned my eyeballs, and I was laughing so hard I didn't even care! Well done my sweet friend!!

Karen from Mentor said...

Wow! What a great comment to start my morning with Anne. [HUGE GRIN]

I love the idea of you thinking of Glycerin the therapist eating apologizer every future time you unwrap soap. I do that too, connect up one thing with another in my head and it sticks. I still can't break spaghetti to cook it without remembering that someone I knew once said his wife only "did that to him" when she was mad...laughing.
[for me it just fits in the pot easier]

Thank you for taking the time to come read and comment.
Big big hugs you lovely thing you!

conboyhillfiction said...

Jeez - there are people who eat their therapists? That's worse than the ones who shake hands with a palmful of snot then try to hug you. Holy gastritis, Batman!