Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Country Girl's Bare Bones Story

This story was generated from Country Girl's random list: whiskey, chicken livers, magenta, umbrella, roller skates, caulking gun, shelf liner, Clorox, diamonds and goats.

 

Home Improvement

I was in my backyard in my beloved ratty old magenta robe, having my morning beverage while resignedly watching the goats placidly eat the vegetable garden that I had just painstakingly planted.

I looked up at the back of the house and started thinking that I really had to do something about the trim around the windows. It was really disgraceful how dull and lifeless it had become.

I love my little house and I want it to gleam and sparkle and go 'ting' when the sun hits it in the morning.

So I said to myself, Stevie my girl? Right after you finish this whiskey there's going to be some serious sprucing up done around here.

I tromped back into the mud room; deftly sidestepping the roller skates left carelessly by the door, and hauled myself down the basement stairs to look for my trusty caulking gun.

I was going to caulk the frogfest out of those windows and there wasn't a moment to spare.

Well, as it turned out there was a moment to spare to feed my beloved cats some nice chicken livers that I had picked up at Trader Joe's yesterday along with some Clorox because, really, after cutting up chicken livers in your nice shiny sink, you have to use some Clorox to get rid of the smell.

Cats eat weird things. But not as weird as people. I mean eggs? Who thought up the idea of eggs? The first guy that saw a chicken squirt an egg out of its backside and then said, Hey! I think I'd like to see what that tastes like…..he must have been an interesting fella.

Cats happy and purring, I showered and put on shorts and an awesome tank top which proclaimed me in dazzling rhinestones to be "Queen of the shelf liners."

Feeling like Ty Pennington, but with much nicer boobs, a sun hat and a diamond toe ring, I hauled my paint spattered ladder out of the shed and climbed up to scrape and caulk the windows.

Just as my trusty razor widget made contact with the first window the heavens opened up and car wash style rain soaked me through to the skin before I could even grab an umbrella from my car.

I stood in the downpour a minute marveling at the vagaries of southern weather and unfortunately giving my neighbors an eyeful due to the thinness of my tank top.

Crossing my arms over my chest, I walked squelchingly back toward the mudroom.

Fat lot of good my sun hat had done me today.

I went back inside and dried off and did the next best thing to actual home improvement.

I cuddled up on the couch with my critters, a nice glass of wine and multi tasked by slow roasting a chicken in the oven while watching HGTV and tweeting about the hot carpenter guys for the next four hours.

18 comments:

Karen from Mentor said...

FYI: I have all of the random lists on one sheet of paper. I had a friend of mine close his eyes and point at the list.

This one came up and tah dah...the first random word story was born...

Hope y'all enjoy it...thanks Ms. Thang...that was fun...

Country Girl said...

OMG...amazingly...this is almost a "true story." Not quite...but close. And thanks - for giving me nice boobs in the story - much appreciated. Oh - and the whole egg thing? I don't even want to know how your mind works but OMG...you're kind of right. Kinda sorta maybe.

Rachel said...

You know, one of my favorite Calvin and Hobbes is the one where Calvin says "You have to wonder about why we drink milk. Who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I'll drink whatever comes out of those things when I squeeze them'?"

Very nice story!

Karen from Mentor said...

CG,
Glad you enjoyed the story. I just pictured what a typical morning for you would be like and went with it..lol...

and you're welcome for the boobs.

Karen :0)

Karen from Mentor said...

Thanks Rachel!
I remember that C&H. You gotta love Bill Watterson. He lives about 45 minutes from me. It must be something about the water here in Ohio that made us both ponder where food comes from.

For anybody who doesn't know how this feature came about, last Wednesday I asked for lists of nine or ten random things. I currently have seven more lists to make stories from.

I'm not counting Judy's list since it consisted of the single word Yoink!...after I quit laughing.... I decided that medicinehead was responsible for her list....and felt free to disregard it...well, unless one of my stories has Homer Simpson as a character , which is extremely unlikely..then I could use the word Yoink! :0)

So keep checking back for your story if you gave me a list.

Anybody who hasn't already done so and wants to leave a list when they comment on a story is welcome to do so...

fun fun fun

Rachel said...

YOU KNOW WHERE BILL WATTERSON LIVES??? Let's go stalk him and make him sign things! And take pictures!

If you were writing a story about Homer Simpson, you could use Yoink! and Doh!

Karen from Mentor said...

Well Rachel,
First of all..loved the caps...secondly, um yeah, I know where he lives, but I also know that he's a VERY private person and wouldn't enjoy someone no matter HOW ADORABLE stalking him....and thirdly...my lawyers have advised me to disavow any knowledge of aforesaid stalking or the cooercion of photos and autographs...

lindacassidylewis said...

I am simply amazed at your talent!

And except for the rain, which we NEVER have in summer, that's just how my home improvement ventures pan out nowadays. I have good intentions, but ...

Karen from Mentor said...

Thanks Linda!
And your beverage of choice and tv show would be??????

Now you don't feel quite so smug and giggly about giving me spelunker and gallstone in YOUR list do ya missy?
Hugs!
Karen :0)

judy said...

Love the egg bit. And it's true. And also artichokes. Who looked at them and thought they were edible. AND THEN decided they're not so much edible as scrapable. Till you get to the heart, peel away all the spikey stuff, and eat.

Strange...

Excellent story! Makes me want to find a caulking gun and take care of something.

jane, candid said...

Love the story! It had Country Girl's tone down pat! What a fun, creative writing exercise :-)

Karen from Mentor said...

Thanks Jane,
CG's fun to channel....are you going to give me a list????

Judy, I think artichokes are pretty..and as far as I know nothing expels them from their backside...but I do get the whole they're a lot of trouble for the value idea that you were going for...kinda like pomegranates...and high maintenance designer puppies...

lindacassidylewis said...

Karen, you've humbled me. I'm sure my spelunker and gallstone will be easy-breezy for you.

Karen from Mentor said...

:0)

harmzie said...

Very nice job. I, too like the egg part and have wondered the same thing (I <3 C & H too, but didn't recall that one, And I'd love to get something signed by Bill Watterson too, but my stalking card is pretty full right now.)

I wondered it about onions - like who grabbed one and said "this feels like my mouth is melting from the inside out, but I bet if we sauteed this up with butter (right after we shake up these cow juices excessively) it would produce the necessary essence to really set off this marinara sauce."?

One of MY favourite cartoons on the subject is a Far Side with cavemen and a slate board divided into "Eat" and "Don't Eat". One has his jaws sunk into the rear of a woolly mammoth. The look on the mammoth is priceless.

Uh, yeah, so excellent story. Very impressive creative writing! :-) You DID capture her tone very well!

Karen from Mentor said...

Hey! A CG stalker in the flesh (well in the text anyway) thanks for stopping in.

Enjoyed your thoughts on onions....and I love Gary Larson too...sometimes when I think of something funny I'm worried that I'm just recycling one of his cartoons....the dentist implanting soft rock into fillings story in my random thoughts side bar springs to mind.....lol...

come back anytime.
Karen :0)

Lauren C said...

oh delightful! made me snort and almost (but not quite) choke on my tea.

if we can't stalk Bill Watterson, could we, say, sidle past his property while carrying plates of piping-hot muffins and wearing shirts that say "Well Gee I Think Calvin and Hobbes Is Just the Best Thing Ever!" (because that's the truth)?

also, I missed out on the listing... so here goes... inspired by the kitchen and its surroundings... surroundings meaning the weird firings in my brain, of course.

goldfinch, salt shaker, bonfire, headline, riverbank, Dresden, sorbet, intestine, piping-hot, squelch, be-bop.

mwaha :)

Karen from Mentor said...

Lauren,
I LOVE the idea of the tee shirts and muffins....and your LIST???? oh my g o s h....
I was writing it down as I read it ...kitchen items...got it....got to bonfire and thought...oh my Lauren honey if there's a bonfire in your kitchen you should get out...then I GOT TO INTESTINE!!!!!!! As you have already heard me laughing on your voicemail by now...I won't repeat the laughing...but oh my gosh that was funny...

Thanks so much honey for giving me your list...I can't wait to write your story..
hugs!!!! (big giant piping-hot squelchy ones)
Karen :0)