The following Q& A comes with a [DISCLAIMER] and an explanation. We will be using a pseudonym for today's interviewee. She has a security breach in her blog. And quite frankly, any one of you could be the mole. I will be calling her Country Girl, and when I get tired of using both words, CG, or quite possibly, Miss Thang, because, Yes, she's just that cool.
I love this young lady. Country Girl is one of my guilty pleasures. Both on and off blog. Country Girl is divine. Country Girl is outspoken. Country Girl allows me to be a me that most of you have never seen. I am like Shrek, or an onion, I have many layers and the layer that loves Country Girl has a mind that lives in the gutter. Not one that swears, cause you know I can't do that, but one that is full of naughty things to say.
So be warned. If you follow me to Country Girl's blog you will probably be shocked. You will also laugh, but you will be shocked. So if you need me to maintain my halo, please stay out…… because if you follow me in you will have to wash your mind out with soap and then lay down in a dark room for a while…..especially if you read my comments on her Week in Tweets…… Rachel…..don't read my comments on Country Girl's Week in Tweets. I get a little carried away…but she gives me such GREAT set up lines.
[hmmm…wonder which way the disclaimer will sway the crowd?]
Ok, disclaimer in place……Here she is in all her fresh from the farm glory………….
Today Miscellaneous Yammering is pleased and proud to present the lovely, talented, hat rocking, wine drinking, line dancing, couture wearing, kind hearted, generous, quite stunning and extremely hilarious Country Girl of http://ifthataintcountryillkissyour.blogspot.com/
Miss Thang swears like four Catholic sailors home on leave after being cooped up with nuns for five months, so we are going to install a four second time delay on today's interview. I have also provided her with some substitute words to use in place of some of her favorite words wherever possible.
The words are batching, flinging, freaking, frogfest, and sparkle.
Now it's time for us to get started, so please shoo the kiddies from the room and sit back and enjoy today's Ten Questions Tuesday.
K: Hi honey, thanks for leaving your animals at home and coming in to see me today.
CG: Oh – I was supposed to leave the freaking animals at home (shoos goat from foot)? Frogfest!!! Why doesn't my staff tell me these things? Oh and Karen – I'd like to clarify. I don't actually line dance. Although one night at a bar a friend made me do the Cuban Shuffle. Only apparently it's called the Cupid Shuffle and I Tweeted I was doing the Cuban Shuffle and it was sort of embarrassing because I can't delete tweets from my Crackberry and by the time I got home I was too drunk lazy to delete it. I do watch NASCAR however. Go #48! Whoo!
K: Are you comfy? Do you need anything? An aspirin? Some coffee? A place to put your boots maybe someplace kinda far away from my nose because of whatever the heck that is clinging in lumps to the heels?
CG: Sorry Karen. Just give me a minute to change out of my poo-covered shoes into something more acceptable. Like my Manolos. (sighs) PS Aspirin? Coffee? Aren't you sweet for asking love but I prefer the hair of the dog that bit me. Speaking of which – where is that batching beagle?
Ten Questions for Country Girl
K: Your whole blogging storyline is that you are a transplanted New York Jewish Princess now living in a rather backward rural area in the south. Every time I read your bio I start humming the theme to Green Acres……so, is your coffee as strong as Lisa's? And do you ever go outside to check on the animals in lingerie?
CG: Who the Frogfest is Lisa? And what is this Green Acres? If someone has made a movie about my life, I want 10%. Isn't that standard? And as for the whole animals/lingerie thing, I will say this: garters are flinging uncomfortable as all Frogfest. Not to mention the one time I went to feed the goats with my gal Victoria (shhh don't tell…it's a secret), Elvis (my alpha male billy goat) hit on me. Which basically involved him rutting. Which basically means he peed in his own mouth to impress me and OMG…has anyone else on TQT talked about goat penises? Because if not…YAY ME for bringing up a topic you never thought you'd see on your blog. Anyways, after that, I started wearing baggy jeans and flannels to feed the critters. Seemed best for all involved. (PS it's ok to say penis – right? I mean, they use that word in sex ed classes and on Grey's Anatomy so I figured it's ok.)
K: You love your animals. One of your babies is named "Surprise Steve" how did that come about? And while you're at it will you list all the names and species in your menagerie?
CG: Surprise Steve is what we call every unexpected newborn boy born in the South….didn't you know that honey? For a while we thought it might actually be a Surprise Sally but then I finally saw him pee and I knew. As for my menagerie: Elvis, Ann-Margaret, Nugget, Lucky, Peanut, Buster, and Surprise Steve are the goats. Tony and Sebastian are the 2 kitties. And don't leave out Dixie – my awesome little ass. Also, we can't talk about the goat incest in my herd. Oh wait – you didn't bring it up. Never mind.
K: When you go away and leave your critters for someone else to tend how would you describe the way you go about instructing a babysitter?
CG: Oh dear. You're going to bring my OCD into this discussion (sighs). You must have a PhD to feed my critters. Preferably from an Ivy League university. There's a 400-page tome in the barn that details with insane intense specificity exactly how to feed them. Because like their mom, they are high frogging
maintenance unique and special creatures that require unique and special care.
K: You've been blogging for a while. Have you ever actually had someone show up on your front porch because they wanted to meet you? And if so, did they bring you a gift? Maybe a nice big painting of Elvis on velvet? Cause we KNOW you love you some Elvis on velvet.. Or Audrey, Audrey on velvet…that would probably get anyone in the door at your house.
CG: I have one stalker but she lives out of the country and doesn't have a passport so she only stalks me virtually. And I kind of stalk her back so it's all good. But she hasn't proffered up anything on velvet. Maybe I ought to get on her ass about being a better stalker cuz I could use me some velvet. And some Elvis. Though not Elvis my goat. I've seen - I mean - I get enough of him.
K: You're an amazing cook, and you are currently writing a cook book. When can we expect that to be on the shelf at the bookstore?
CG: You'll have to talk to my agent. Oh wait – I don't have a flipping agent. (sighs) But I promise you and your readers this…I'll have something on the shelves by the end of this century. In the meantime, check my site weekly for new recipes. Although not always mine. But still….
K: You started a new feature on your blog offering recipes once a week. What did you finally decide to call the feature?
CG: Oh look. Here you are pimping my new feature for me (Hey Karen – thanks a lot for promoting this awesome new weekly post on If That Ain't Country. I know I told you I'd give you $100 but I'm kind of broke right now so can I pay you in cookies?). Sweet. Anyways, Feed me Fridays rolled into town this past Saturday (she's kind of a diva and just had *to make an entrance*) and we're hoping that she'll help people get excited about buying my to-be-written cookbook getting into the kitchen. To further entice folks, I am doing my best to lure people with plenty of photos of kick ass food porn.
K: A week or so ago you were running and you injured yourself severely but just kept running spewing blood and gore onto anything and everything in your wake. Since you startled so many innocent bystanders did you in fact make the ten o clock news?
CG: Honey…Forget making the news. I am lucky I made it back to the hotel without bleeding out. And I believe I only scarred for life startled one small child. But it ain't a Tuesday if you don't startle someone – right?
K: What, if anything did your injury teach you about alcohol, pain medication, late night blogging, credit cards and the home shopping channel as a combination?
CG: I don't remember. But according to my Visa statement I spent $597 on Snuggies, Kush supports and a vibrator some porcelain figurines so it must have been good. Oh and I bought a Slap Chop.
K: In a blog post you lamented your inability to iron. You began the posting with "growing up, the cleaning lady did all of the ironing" which is where you almost lost me, but I regrouped after I remembered where, when and with whom you were raised. Do you currently have live in help?
CG: Only Portia, my alter ego/split personality. She's a big help when I can't get it done by myself. But she can't iron either so really she's kind of useless. Although she's highly entertaining.
K: You profess to actually enjoy NASCAR. Is this true or is it an attempt to blend in with the locals?
CG: Ever see My Cousin Vinny?? You know that scene where Joe Pesci and Marisa Tomei roll into bumfrogfest Alabama and she gets out of the car in her leather mini skirt and jacket and 6 inch spike heels and Joe Pesci is all like "You stick out like a sore thumb" and she turns to him and snarkastically replies "Yeah – and you blend." Yeah…I *blend* in here about as much as those two. Although I don't wear leather. Not because I am morally against it. It's just a fashion choice. Although I do have leather shoes. And belts. But not leather clothes. Unless you count that leather maid's outfit Portia made me buy for Halloween 2 years ago. Oh wait…what was the question? Yes. I really love NASCAR. Go #48!
Now we will experience some Lisa Douglas style circular logic. Since Beth Fish was my first interview and she only answered five questions, and I met Country Girl through Beth and Beth works for Country Girl's dad and that's one of the reasons Beth only had time to answer five questions…….
Country Girl gets to answer Beth's missing five questions. This way I can ask her five random things. This works. Have two glasses of wine and reread the explanation. Or in Judy's case have a thimbleful of wine and reread it. It makes perfect Hungarian/Hooterville sense. I promise.
K: If you had a superpower other than tweeting what would it be?
CG: I am pretty sure that running through Asheville while hemorrhaging from my knee qualifies as some kind of super power. But beyond that, I suppose I want to be like Elasti-Girl in The Incredibles. Because that's a win-win for everyone. PS… Aren't you sweet for considering my Tweets superpower-worthy.
K: Best New York celebrity sighting?
CG: Apparently I once ran over Andrew McCarthy on my way into Grace's Marketplace. I don't even recall ever seeing him but my companion at the time swears that I KNOCKED HIM OVER apparently in some mad dash to buy overpriced cheese or something. Does that count? And does Andrew McCarthy even count as a celebrity? Other than that, when you live in NYC, you don't see celebrities.
K: If you were a FABULOUS pair of shoes, what kind would you be and whom would you deign to allow to wear you on their less than worthy feet?
CG: That's like asking someone which one of their kids they like the best. I most identify with my leopard print Dolce and Gabbana stilettos with the ankle straps but I truly heart my gold satin Louboutin d'Orsay peep toes. So either one of those. And the only requirement for wearing my shoes? Get a pedicure. I don't understand toenails that aren't painted.
K: You're in an elevator. It suddenly stops. There is one other passenger in the car with you carrying a shopping bag. You are trapped for hours. In your wildest dreams what would be in the bag, and who would be carrying it?
CG: Nathan Fillion, 2 bottles of champagne, and some whipped cream.
K: If you could be Dolly Parton or Audrey Hepburn for a day, which would you choose and why?
CG: Ooooohhh….that's a toughie. Because I love Dolly. And I love Audrey. Can I be Audrey with Dolly as my alter ego? Cuz that would be awesome. Although Dolly's breasts might make Audrey tip over which would be a serious problem.
K: Thanks so much for coming in to play with me today Miss Thang. I'm pretty sure that only two of my minions fainted and I know I certainly had fun. And I don't know if you noticed, but I custom ordered your tiara just for you. What do you think of it?
CG: Oh Karen…it's just lovely. But where's my batching, flinging, freaking, frogfest, sparkly tennis bracelet? I think those extra 5 questions definitely warrant more jewelry. What does a girl have to do to get a flipping tennis bracelet around here???
K: You're right, you worked hard.....Leave the tiara; I'll add some emeralds......
Here is a link for those innocent of green acres http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQ8SgjOa0WA&feature=related