Today Miscellaneous Yammering is pleased and proud to present the lovely and talented and awesomely singly named Rachel. Yes, singly named, like Cher. And like Cher, Rachel needs no further introduction. If you don’t already know who she is, you are sadly out of step with the world around you. Go hang your head in shame.
K: Good morning Rachel, it was nice of you to pry yourself out of your nice warm bed to yammer with me today.
R: I do love my bed. It’s fantastic. But for some reason when I tell people that I want to be buried on my mattress, they look at me funny.
[K looks at her funny]
K: Are you comfy? Can I get you another stack of pancakes?
R: OOH, ok, so maybe we can talk while I’m on my bed, sitting on a throne made out of pancakes. With a little crown, a scepter… Yes, set that up. Then we’ll talk.
[scrambles frantically to appease the visiting diva]
K: Here you go then, everything you asked for. Hey, you look really cute on the pancake throne…but maybe we should have reconsidered the syrup.
I’m ready…I’ll just perch here on the edge, out of the syrup stream….now if you’re all comfy and you’re ready to rock… let’s roll.
TEN QUESTIONS FOR RACHEL
K: Rachel, you could have taken the whole summer off of school and lolled around reading science fiction and playing Sim City….yet, you chose to take classes….what’s up with that?
R: Well it’s very simple really, my major is very conceited. It does not realize that the college has its own requirements, and therefore leaves me no time to take gen ed classes. So it wasn’t really a choice per say, it was more “gee, I’d like to graduate at SOME point, and it’s already taking me 5 years to get my degree (with no masters might I add) so maybe I should do this.”
K: You have had a lot of pets in your life….what is the strangest thing that you’ve ever had happen with a pet?
R: Well, while I have in fact had a tree frog jump in my mouth, yes, my MOUTH, I think the strangest thing I’ve had was a suicidal ribbon snake. It bit itself in half. No idea why. He just did.
K: You own a magnificent Bearded Dragon named Happy whom you would never allow anyone to malign. You’ve seen the movie Holes in which Bearded Dragons are depicted as scary vicious creatures. Care to expound on that subject?
R: Well, they weren’t really Bearded Dragons in the movie, they were yellow-spotted lizards PLAYED by bearded dragons with some CG help. So it was ok.
K: When you were four you saw Charlotte’s Web for the first time. When [spoiler alert] Charlotte died, you were inconsolable for hours……have you recovered from that trauma, or does it still haunt your every waking moment?
R: I really don’t know how to respond to this question… Yesterday my flute teacher told me that she was trying to print out a picture of someone but the computer just kept printing out a picture of a pig. Go technology!
K: I know you love a good rant, but like me, you don’t really swear…have you found that the lack of swearing hampers your ability to get up a good head of steam when you rant? [Love the little crinkly thing you get over your nose btw….and all the arm waving and hopping up and down]
R: I do love a good rant! But I’ve never used curse words, so it certainly doesn’t get in my way. Darn and daggonit are pretty good swear words in my book. I like when shows get around that by making up their own swearwords (Firefly anyone?) like Gorram. I don’t know what you’re talking about with a crinkly thing? You mean like wrapping paper?
K: Speaking of ranting….after seeing the new Star Trek film, you had several, how shall we put it….ISSUES…with some of the story line…..hit the high points for us won’t you?
R: Well really one thing. It was advertised as a prequel. A prequel. Definition: A prequel is a work that portrays events and/or aspects of a previously completed narrative, but is set prior to the existing narrative. (Thank you Wikipedia, the day that my professors allow me to use you as a source will be a wonderful day indeed). So why did they think it was ok to make a prequel turn into an alternate universe? Clearly because they are idiots and don’t read Wikipedia. Or look up definitions before making a movie. Next time guys, there’s this great function. I’ll give it to you step by step. 1) Go to Google. www.google.com. 2) Type in the search box “define: prequel”. 3) Read definition. See? It’s easy.
K: You have a very sweet boyfriend. What’s the one thing that you can tell us about him without making him die of mortification?
R: He likes to eat chicken. And rice. He rides a dragon when he needs to get around. I once convinced someone at a party that my boyfriend was a UFC fighter. And he believed me until I finally told him I was joking.
K: Which of these words or combination of words would you say most describe you? Gifted, Brilliant, Smarty Pants, Geek, Loveable, Adorable, Nerd, Musician, Curious, Hilarious, Inventive, Compassionate, Good typist, Creative, Huggable, Juggler, Great Looking, Tiny, Long fingered, Big Eyed, Accomplished Ear Wiggler, Queen of the Universe.
R: Hello leading question. How are you today? What do you mean you didn’t give me many words that you thought I’d take out?
See, this is the problem with having your mom make up these questions, she starts using words like “Brilliant, Good Looking and Rachel” in the same sentence. Well let’s see. The only ones I would use myself to describe me would be…. Nerd, musician, curious, compassionate, juggler, tiny, and accomplished ear wiggler. As we all know, I’m not aiming to become Queen of the Universe. I have a life. That’s too much work. Ultimate dictator of the world will work just fine.
K: How many hats do you currently own? And tell that story about when you and your friend Debbie got thrown out of Higbees for trying on hats because they thought you were drunk…oh, no, wait that was me….just answer the part about the hat quantity….and describe the one that you REALLY rock and rock HARD.
R: Well…. I own a green baseball cap. It’s green. Somewhat faded. It keeps my face from getting burned. The green color kind of looks funny now from the sun, so it doesn’t ever match what I’m wearing. So I guess I can say I rock it, but it’s more functional than anything else.
K: And finally, what was it like growing up in a household with a mom who read stories you wrote about “The Great Flaming Cheese” [awesome story by the way] and loved loved loved it?
R: See, and here’s yet another problem with having your mom make up these questions. Let me rephrase this for you. “Tell everyone on my blog how awesome I am. I’ll wait.”
But I will take the opportunity to hype my upcoming novel, The Great Flaming Cheese. That seems like the thing to do on these blogs. Synopsis: A young boy must save the world from the horrible world wrecking entity, the Great Flaming Cheese. He is aided only by his pet rabbit Steve.
This is a work in progress, and I think I’ll say the estimated publication date would be, oh, say, 2060? I should be retired by then and have time to finish it.
So you should all keep it in mind, and in 50 years, signed copies all around, ok?
K: Thanks so much Rachel for coming in today to be inquired at by moi. Now, come over here and give me a hug and then lets go loll about for hours and watch a full season of Gilmore Girls….or Firefly…you choose.
R: If only! I think you mixed up my summer here…. Remember question #1? Classes, work? Maybe we can do that in 2060 when I publish my book. I wonder if they’ll still have DVD’s then. We might have to buy Gilmore Girls and Firefly: the Interactive versions. So real, you’ll step in the cow poo.
But I will give you a hug…and thanks again for all of the pancakes. Can I get you to pack some up to take with me in a doggie bag? And just to be clear the doggie bag isn’t actually for a doggie, the pancakes would be for me…..some to eat…..some to sit on……