Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Lauren’s Bare Bones Story

This story was generated from Lauren's random list consisting of : Goldfinch, salt shaker, bonfire, headline, riverbank, Dresden, sorbet, intestine, piping hot, squelch, bebop

A routine night at Roonies

Bullets ricocheted around the bar.

Some bounced off the floor where the hapless recruit jerked around in a terror addled bebop, her face a rictus of horror.

"Dance gratchech, dance!"

Christ, I hated it when he got like this.

It happened every time the Dresden Commander had a second cup of piping hot glub.

He just couldn't hold his liquor.

He'd start waving his gun around and shooting at whatever was in his field of vision.

Luckily he was like a two year old when he was drunk and would lose interest in whatever he was doing pretty darn quick.

As expected, the bullets stopped after a couple of minutes.

I doubt he could see much of what he was doing now anyway.

Most of his eyes were drooping and he looked pretty out of it.

After he stopped shooting he went back to loudly and drunkenly arguing about who was the best Catwoman with one of the other patrons.

The thankfully unshot recruit made her trembling way over to the bar where I gave her some sorbet laced heavily with brandy.

I was just glad that I had put all of my nicer things away before the Commander and his crew came in to bust up my place again.

A crew was only as good as their leader, and these guys had a fine example.

Some of his idiots were breaking chairs with their zrimbyts, some were smashing plates into the fireplace.

I stood there and watched the stupidity around me while wiping glasses until they were mostly clean.

I ducked occasionally if something came really close to my heads.

The Commander grunted at me and gestured for another round.

I put on my masks and gloves and carried another hot pitcher of fizzing glub to his table.

I was going to give him another few minutes to either pass out or squelch his way out of the front door.

If neither of those options seemed likely I'd just have to take a salt shaker and "accidentally" sprinkle a little onto one of his tentacles so that he would sober up and get out before too much more damage was done.

Or before a fight broke out.

These Dresdens had shoe size IQ's and if there was no one else to fight after a few drinks they would fight one another.

Then the fight would spill out into the street.

Then THEY would be called in by the ministry to break up the riot.

I often wondered if the heads of the ministry also had shoe sized IQ's.

I didn't like the idea of Roonies going up in a blaze like the bonfire that the Dresdens had set last month in Oldtown.

Apparently there was some misunderstanding about overcharging for day old intestines, and when troops arrived to break up the riot the Commander ordered the place flamed with the beleaguered butcher inside.

A fire in Oldtown hardly warranted a headline these days, but you would have thought with it being so close to the riverbank a bucket crew could have been formed in time to save some of the surrounding buildings.

No one seems to have tried and the flames from the butcher shop licked from building to building really quickly.

In a matter of minutes the whole block went up in smoke.

The Commander and his crew even hung around for a bit to roast weenies.

But I did hear that the butcher's pet Goldfinch was lovingly carried outside before the fire was set and given to a kindly neighbor.

I heard that she was delighted to have him.

The nice lady was very concerned that the little birdie would lose his appetite after being separated so abruptly from his owner.

All the rest of the week she fed him and watered him and generally pampered and spoiled him until he was so fat he could hardly move from his perch.

Then on Sunday……

She served him with a nice dark gravy.


Lauren C said...

HAHAAA! Oh, I love it. Never saw that coming from my list.
I could easily picture the Commander... loved the salting of tentacles... and day-old intestines, hee.

and "shoe-size IQ's" - I CANNOT wait to use that in conversation.

A great start to my morning :D

Karen from Mentor said...

Oh Honey I'm so glad you liked it. It was a LOT of fun to write.

Maybe you can sketch the Commander for me. :0)

I copyrighted "shoe-size IQ's" this morning.
Everytime someone uses it they'll owe me a penny.

Soon I'll be rich beyond my wildest dreams.....

mdvelazquez said...

Ditto. Great job, Karen.

Karen from Mentor said...

Thanks Maria,

I'm almost out of random lists now, so as a heads up to anyone who wants to leave their list of 9 or 10 random things in the comment thread today your story will then come up in about three weeks.

judy said...

1) If Lauren sketches the commander, I wanna see!

2) Loved the ending!

3) A random list for you: dogma, honey pot, raucus, hairy-nosed wombat, prickly pear, B movie, belly button and obtuse.

Rachel said...

I read that three times before deciding that yes, that said "most of his eyes" and then again for "my heads."
I like it! Though I just picture the commander as Mr. Horrible Gelatinous Blob from Futurama.

Karen from Mentor said...

Thanks Rachel [grinning] that's funny.

Isn't that Blob guy green and mostly mouth? I'll have to go find him because I don't remember him having tentacles.
The Commander is lavender. And spotty. With yellow toady bumps.
And he smells bad.
I don't know if Lauren can sketch the smelly part though...

Karen from Mentor said...

hairy nosed wombat. LOL!!

I love it. Built in descriptors. I will of course feel free to pretend that you wanted commas between the words hairy, nosed, and wombat. Otherwise my head might explode.

Glad to have you back baby!

Anonymous said...

Verrrrry interesting, how your mind works! :-)

Karen from Mentor said...

hee hee hee Linda.