Monday, December 7, 2009

Smalltalk for that looming Christmas party

Have you ever been backed into a corner at a party by that one guy, you know the guy, he's pretty drunk, thinks you're cute and thinks that he's even more charming when he's sloshed and is therefore hell bent on talking AT you until he wins you over or you are overcome by his 80 proof charm and wit? [or his breath]

You try rolling yourself into a metaphorical ball…… pretending to be conversationally dead so the bear doesn't maul you, but every time you open your mouth ….three words in……no matter what you bring up the bear has a new story ON THAT VERY TOPIC that he just HAS to tell you so you can't just politely slide away?

I have a solution.

Arm yourself with trivia so you can outbear the bear.

Am I always thinking of you guys or what?

Office parties are approaching...start now..... there's no time to lose..... bone up on your useless information so you can be armed and dangerous and ready for whatever conversational hurdles the holiday season throws at you.

Two bits of trivia ammo:

#1-Do you know how they harvest almonds?

They drive this huge machine equipped with these rubber gripped "arms" up to the tree and shake it until all the nuts fall to the ground, then drive a giant sweeper [a lot like a street sweeper] all around the shaken up trees and gather the nuts. Really. HERE'S THE VIDEO. [you get points if you load this video onto your phone and actually show it to the guy]

#2-Stephen Colbert is sponsoring the US Olympic Speedskating Team. Really. He is. HERE'S THE ARTICLE. The team lost their main sponsor so Stephen and the Colbert Nation stepped in to fund the team. This news broke back on November 2, 2009 so the guy probably heard about it then, and therefore you get points for telling him old news. And again, if you load the article onto your phone or link to the video clip of Stephen announcing it on the Colbert Report and then stand there waxing on and on in a swoony way about how cute Stephen's ears are for the next five minutes…..I think you'll be able to shake the guy.

Worked for me.

Well, I also accidentally spilled my dip on him and then stepped on him with really pointy shoes, but you get the general idea.

Depending on how short your dress is or how deep the v….. add one to four more pieces of trivia.

[Dip, mace and pointy shoes are optional]





Coincidentally Judy posted a wondrous list of useless/useful trivia this morning....just the stuff you need to load yourself for bear. I like the one about the "feeling fist" but the one about marijuana is interesting too.

12 comments:

Kris said...

I'm usually pretty safe. I like to tell myself that I don't get hit on much because my husband is usually nearby when I'm at social events, but whatever...

Another method of deterrence in my case would be to start talking about my plethora of children. I could even exaggerate a bit, if I wanted to make the guy run away even faster.

Or I could just carry a taser...

Karen from Mentor said...

Oooo Kris, a taser and a brag book....that would be a GREAT combination....

If those don't work and hubby has wandered off ...you could always resort to the vulcan nerve pinch.
:0)

Kris said...

Or how about excusing yourself so you can go take your perscription for some exotic venerial disease? That would be a turn off!

Karen from Mentor said...

LOl.... or just happen to mention that you played professional football in "your former life"....

judy said...

Oh! Yay! Except, I am "that guy." I go to parties just to tell people all the pieces of useless (er, priceless) information I have. Adding two more bits to my arsenol now.

Karen from Mentor said...

NO JUDY NEVER!!!YOU'RE NOT THAT GUY!!! You use your trivia for good not evil....

*****AND******

I'm sure you leave gaps in the conversation for someone else to get a word in edgewise...giggling.... I can't picture you looming drunkenly over someone while buttonholing them and spewing facts.... but if you did...I'm sure they'd enjoy your bubbly charm...and fall instantly in love.

I try to use all my trivia for good. Especially when I'm working with someone who's shy but interesting.....then trivia really is a girl's best friend.

And with the obnoxious ones I like all of Kris's ideas...

hugs honey...thanks for adding to my arsenal.

lindacassidylewis said...

See? This is why I don't go to parties.

There are a couple people I could use these techniques with on the phone though.

Karen from Mentor said...

Setting off the smoke alarm works too Linda.

Cause the vulcan nerve pinch? Not useful on the phone....
:0)

Laura Eno said...

Hmm..I have met these sub-humans before. I tell them to **** off. Of course, that was also when I carried brass knuckles in my purse. Do you think I'm too direct?
*the two-headed beast slinks off to count how many stars she has left*

Karen from Mentor said...

LOL ....I actually had to email Laura and ask about the last bit of her comment.....

she explained that as she typed she was envisioning herself as a two headed dragon....oh man....and that way she'd have someone right there to argue with.....ow...I just hurt myself laughing...

I love writers. I love writers who type while under the influence of their imagination even more.

HUGS !!!!! Laura....
Great big scaly ones...

estrella05azul said...

Hey! How did I miss Monday? I'm asking this because I just noticed your post and I haven't read Judy's post either on Monday... which means I'm missing a day of my week.
Hmmm... maybe that's why I thought it was Friday when I woke up :P

Karen from Mentor said...

Or maybe you were kidnapped by aliens Estrella......do you have tentacles growing out of the back of your neck or anything?

:0)