Friday, April 30, 2010

Light bulb moment..or..Simon says he’s sorry - flash fiction

I walked into a hallmark store the other day and The Twelfth of Never was playing on their muzak. When I heard the tune I suddenly realized that The Twelfth of Never was the tune that Stephen Bishop was singing in that scene from Animal House when Bluto comes down the stairs in his toga and smashes the guitar to pieces.

Well, the earth tilted on its axis, I hit the carpet, and when I woke up I killed every person in the store and everyone in my path to the parking lot. I'm still picking bits of jugular out of my back molars.

What set me off?

Stephen was singing the tune to TheTwelfth of Never, but using the lyrics to The Riddle Song I gave my love a cherry that had no stone….

And if there's one thing that just brings out the inner beast in me….. it's copyright infringement.

The worst part? Three days later after the fangs went back in and I was able to finally shave all of the hair off of my knuckles, I looked The Twelfth of Never up on Wickipedia and found out that the song was written by Jerry Livingston and Paul Francis Webster and the tune except for the bridge was adapted from The Riddle Song --an old English folk song.

Now I'm wondering if a hallmark card that says:

"Sorry I killed all those people-- Love, Simon" will be enough.

I mean, after all, they say if you care enough to send the very best……







Link to this week's list of 74 #fridayflash stories at Mad Utopia

33 comments:

Michael Solender said...

viscous! and hilarious. great combo karen.

Jen Brubacher said...

I did not see where this was going! But hey, copyright angers me pretty fiercely too. Uh oh... :)

Sulci Collective said...

"And if there's one thing that just brings out the inner beast in me….. it's copyright infringement."

What a knockout line that is! Made me laugh out loud. Me I would have shot up the Hallmark store for just being a Hallmark store

marc nash

Marisa Birns said...

As long as the card has a cute picture of something furry on it, I think all will be -

OK, maybe not something furry.

estrella05azul said...

Well he's on the right track being sorry, it's the thought that matters :)
Usually some specimens send "sorry" letters, so he's a nice guy after all :P

Alan W. Davidson said...

I liked Marisa's cute picture idea. The story was funny and a bit scary [visualizes jugular bits stuck in teeth]...remind me to never get on your bad side.

shannon esposito said...

HEHE! The saddest part is he has to shave his knuckles! OUCH. Oh, yeah...and the deaths, that's sad, too of course. :-P

Carrie said...

Interesting story. Weres in Hallmark. Watch out for Halloween.

Karen from Mentor said...

And now I don't know which is the best part.
There are two best parts.

The first best part? This was an actual true story ...well except for the killing spree...

AND?????

Hallmark came in to see it!!! I guess they were alerted that someone was using their name in vain. Hope they don't sic the card police on me.


...laughing...just laughing.....

Karen from Mentor said...

Correction...a true story except for the killing spree, the hairy knuckles....and the fainting...

When I change...I don't faint, and I find that floss will get those sticky bits every time. I don't know what Simon's problem is.

Kris said...

Wow, Karen! I loved your post! And you know what?!? It inspired me to go out and buy a bunch of Hallmark cards. Birthday cards. Anniversary cards. Bar Mitzvah cards. I have this urge to really grab a mailbox-full!

(There. That should prove to Hallmark that your reference is good publicity for them. Wouldn't want them to shut you down!)

Karen from Mentor said...

Kris, you're such a pal.

*hugs Kris*

Don't forget to buy some cards with furry things on them like Marisa suggested. And if you go to the store where the rampage happened you could probably get some of the discounted "as is" ones that only have a little spatter on them.

Laurita said...

Perhaps you should throw in one of those shiny balloons with the smiley faces on them.

Vicious and hilarious, as Michael said. A winning combo.

Laura Eno said...

Maybe you could send cards AND those little bears that hold boxes of chocolates. That would show the depth of your sincerity. Plus, the little splatters would seem like valentine's day colors.

Karen from Mentor said...

You just want chocolate.
Ok Laura.... I'll buy cards for Marisa and Kris, chocolate for you, and a balloon or two for Laurita.

And ask Marc to steer clear of any and all Hallmark stores.

There. That ought to do it.


Thanks to everybody for taking the time to read and comment.

Big Big smile!!

Karen from Mentor said...

oops.... I mean of course that Simon will do all of those things. After all it was SIMON'S killing spree....

That's right officer; I just wrote the story as he told it to me....

G.P. Ching said...

I think they make a Ziggy card for this very occasion. :)

Rachel said...

Fruity Oaty Bars
make a man out of a mouse!
Fruity Oaty Bars make you burst out of your blouse!
Eat 'em all the time
Let 'em blow your mind!


(I'll wait)

Karen from Mentor said...

Rolls on floor laughing...*snorts in a ladylike way* ....laughs some more...then picks up phone to call daughter and ask:

"What the hell?"

~Tim said...

I always liked the Shoebox cards because they're from "a tiny little division of Hallmark." After all, I'm only sending a tiny little part of the very best....

So if I use Hallmark in one of my posts, someone from the company will come read it? I think there may be a lot more product placements in my future!

John Wiswell said...

Why anyone would play that song after Animal House is beyond me. You're just asking for an absurdist author to smash a guitar on your world - which is what I assume this piece did. Take it as a warning, fictional people. Take it as a warning.

Michelle said...

very original! love it

Aislinn O'Connor said...

Hate to tell you, but the tune's also claimed by Ireland for a traditional song called Shanagolden... hope that doesn't add me to the hit list!!

Great story, excellently told :-)

Gracie said...

Well, the story's hilarious, of course, but the fact Hallmark came to read it is just too priceless. They might ask you to write a set of cards for them, Karen...

I loved it. Brilliant and original. Loved it. :)

Karen from Mentor said...

Gracie, There's a division of hallmark in downtown Cleveland not far from me. I would love to work for them freelance. Maybe they'll come in and see my random thoughts and offer me a job.

All of you keep your fingers crossed for me ok?

[hey, stranger things have happened]

Karen from Mentor said...

Like John Wiswell coming back from the dead and commenting on this #fridayflash and the one from last week where he got eaten. That's pretty strange.

But I'm told that zombie writers are not unknown in history.

John most likely has so many stories left to tell that he's soldiering on as one of the undead just for his art.

Karen from Mentor said...

Thanks to everybody for entertaining me with their comments. Sometimes the comment thread is more fun than the story.

You guys are the best commenters ever.

[checks are in the mail]

:0)

Sam said...

...and that's why I make my own greeting cards!

Brilliant story, really enjoyed it.

Jodi MacArthur said...

The killing spree was a small price to pay for what you thought was a heinous crime. But ya know, life in prison or death penalty sucks. So maybe next time you suspect infringement? Just floss and shave. It works for me. ;-)

ps. This was hilarious, Karen!

Eric J. Krause said...

Good one! Another trip to Hallmark is in order.

ganymeder said...

I'll never see the Hallmark store the same way again.

My favorite line was how nothing brings out the beast like copyright infringement.

Wacky and well done. Hilarious!

J. M. Strother said...

Wait a minute, what's a guy doing going into a Hallmark store? How am I supposed to willing suspend disbelief when you start out like that? ;)

As usual, quite funny. Love your sense of humor.
~jon

Karen from Mentor said...

Well Jon, It was an act of desperation.

He was scheduled to meet his significant other in 30 minutes to celebrate her birthday and since he had been pressed for time ....having had only a measly 11 months and 29 days to purchase a thoughtful gift and greeting card prior to the event....he found himself in a hallmark store just randomly grasping at straws.... Then? He was assaulted by the muzak.

Some guys just can not get a break.