Friday, May 28, 2010

Eugene Tallhammer, First mate extraordinaire flash fiction

An abandoned wallet on the sidewalk, drops of blood like a trail of bread crumbs leading away from it down to the mouth of an alley. After a few steps the drops turned to smears, but it was hard to tell if they were crawling smears or dragging smears.

Then I came across his shoe, and figured dragging.

I unsheathed my sword, silly I know to head into an alley with it still in its scabbard, but drawing undue attention to myself was not on the agenda tonight.

Someone dressed in a one piece fuchsia leotard, a polka dot cape, curly shoes and a floppy jingle hat was so very noticeable he was almost invisible at carnival time, but add a thrumming blue sword into the mix and you get some funny looks. I've always been fond of visiting Rombus 5, but some of the inhabitants, despite their open minded attitudes toward things like hallucinogens and orgies in the town square, were none too fond of crooks and scoundrels. Of which, I'm proud to say, I'm both. I'm also a narcoleptic vegetarian, but all they ever seem to care about is the "space pirate" portion of my resume. Citizens who have had their golden idols smuggled out in the dead of night tend to take matters into their own hands and hasten justice with a handy tree and some Vigilante brand rope once someone shouts "hey you!" in an authoritative sort of way. Although, if they're inexperienced hangmen, you could just end up with a sore neck and a really good view of the traditional after lynching celebratory orgy.

So I was sauntering along, projecting an air of saintly good citizenship while neatly concealing under my cloak a backpack full of stuff I had liberated from the royal treasury, when I recognized the shoe. Only my first mate, Eugene "stickyfingers" Tallhammer would be caught dead wearing an acid green high top tennis shoe with the initials ET emblazoned on the side in orange marker. As I got closer to the alley the blood spatters became blood puddles and I began hoping that when I got to him he hadn't been caught dead without it.

I cleared the alley mouth and was greeted with the shapely blue derriere of a very pissed off female cat creature. She was breathing hard and her hackles stood on end down all twelve feet of her spine. Her fury was an impressive sight, but when you added in that she was clothed solely in a green gee string and nine sparkly pasties, it was hard to also focus on the fact that she was holding Eugene down with her right cat's paw while seemingly deciding if he was worth the amount of blood spatter likely to come from ripping out his jugular. She swung her huge head at me and hissed.

I bowed, sheathed my sword, showed her my open palms and reached to open my amusingly oversized codpiece. I dangled the prize from my left hand while remaining steadfastly still. Her nostrils flared, she turned toward me, pasties jettisoning from six of her nine suddenly erect nipples.

She snatched the necklace from me, the diamonds gleaming in the moonlight as she wrapped it around her wrist. It fit her perfectly as a tennis bracelet. She simpered and then frowned down at her state of dishabille. I gallantly swept my cape from my back and proffered it. She did one of those complicated female movements that turn a bit of cloth into a stunning frock and slinked out of the alley at speed with about fifteen thousand credits worth of diamonds on her arm.

"Sorry boss, I was in the middle of negotiations when something broke down, you got a hankie or something? My nose is gushing like a mother."

I reached into my backpack and handed Eugene a hankie then ran a #6 medstick over my bleeding ear, a casualty of one of the flying pasties, and over Eugene's broken nose, very probably a casualty of getting too close to one of the pasties while still attached to the gigantic catdancer. I've known Eugene long enough not to even ask. He has a hard enough time passing up two breasts when they're attached to a fully clothed female, I could easily work out how this situation transpired without any assistance whatsoever.

I pulled a second cape from my backpack, secured my codpiece and helped Eugene to his feet. We repaired to the street to recover his lost shoe and wallet. Now all we had to do was wait here at the rendezvous point a few more minutes and we were home free.

That's when we saw them. Ten big cat women bearing down on us at a full gallop. My narcolepsy kicked in at that second and the next thing I knew I was on the ship pressed into my bunk with enough g force to make my vertebrae snap crackle and pop. Davis came over the intercom and said: "Sorry boss, we grabbed you both, but Eugene sobbed so much that I dropped him back into the thick of things once he explained what was what."

My vid screen lit up and I was treated to a very graphic twenty seconds of Eugene in the town square frolicking naked in a milk fountain with ten giant cat women.

I closed my eyes and shook my head. It's not that I begrudge Eugene the shore leave; I was just a bit worried because he's not as young as he used to be. I shut off the vid feed and took a moment to send out a plea to any gods who might hear me that Eugene's heart would be strong enough to see him through fifteen thousand credits worth of negotiations.


Anonymous said...

That's some shore leave. It's like Mardi Gras on hallucinogens down there.

Great fun, Karen. Well written.

Valerie said...

That was hilarious. Who'd have thought that pasties could become projectile weapons?

Anonymous said...

This was so much fun, Karen! Giant cat women *giggles away*

Karen from Mentor said...

And they're blue and scantily clad Estrella! Oh man, this is just another of many, many times that I wish I could draw.

Projectile pasties are the coming thing Valerie. I have it on good authority that they will be featured in the Guns&Ammo Babes of the 'verse 2077 calendar

I enjoyed that in your comment you're looking down at Rombus 5 from the ship's eye view Gracie. That made me grin. Shows that I did a believable job of writing the narrator home again home again jiggity jig.

Thanks for stopping in guys!!

shannon said...

Oh what great fun! LOL. I am, however, having a hard time imagining these giant cat-women-alien-thing-a-ma-do's as attractive. Not enough testosterone, perhaps?? :-)

Anne Tyler Lord said...

OMG! narcoleptic vegetarian space pirates encounter blue-butted giant cat women, get injured by flying pasties & party!

You are too, too much! How do you come up with this stuff! I was laughing hysterically!

I really wish you would draw these!!

peggy said...

Silly fun. Narcoleptic vegetarian thief... how do you come up with this stuff?!

Karen from Mentor said...

@ Shannon--I think if I could draw one and show her to you, you'd agree that they're feline femme fatale eye These guys had been in space a while.... giggling

@ Anne&Peggy- Believe it or not this started out as a hero gets eaten while trying to slay the monster horror story, but once I described what he was wearing, it kinda morphed...laughing...I knew a boy in elementary school named Eugene Tallhammer. Always LOVED the name. Still working on a monicker for the narcoleptic space pirate.

John Wiswell said...

"drops of blood like a trail of bread crumbs"

Karen, I'd like to talk to you about your diet.

Good story!

Sulci Collective said...

Great fun Karen! Vivid weirdnessto the fore and I heartily approve.

marc nash

Alan W. Davidson said...

That was definately a laugh, Karen. Shore leave on Rombus 5 with a 'thrumming blue sword' has me thinking of Captain Kirk for some strange reason. Projectile pasties...didn't see that commin'.

I'd like to hear more of these characters.

Jodi MacArthur said...

"one piece fuchsia leotard, a polka dot cape, curly shoes and a floppy jingle hat" You've just described my super hero costume- I'll sue!

People underestimate narcoleptic vegetarians. Those cat women have no idea what they are missing.

This is pure surreal genius, add your humor and it's *Ingenious*!

Laura Eno said...

Narcoleptic vegetarian...
Karen, what were you ON when you wrote this...and can I have some too?

Loved both his costume and the projectile pasties!

PJ said...

I don't know about all the rest, but the milk fountain sounds pretty cool ... Oh, wait, that's to feed the cat women ... Never mind ;-)

Eric J. Krause said...

Quite a party place. And narcolepsy doesn't seem ideal for a scoundrel space pirate. Good story!

Netta said...

*gigglesnortin* Omg, this is HILARIOUS. I am so glad I came by. This is definitely movie material. James Cameron can direct!

Flying pasties. BWAHAHAHA!

ganymeder said...

That was bloody brilliant!

Sam said...

Heehee! Awesomely funny, I love it!

Karen from Mentor said...

@ Sam and ganymeder and Netta Thanks guys! This is one of my favorites to date. It was a giggle fest to write.

@ Eric -isn't narcolepsy a GREAT quirk? I just keep coming up with scenerios where that would be a really BAD thing to succumb to at that moment.

@PJ - I'm REALLY surprised that no-one connected the cat women, milk, and the fact that cats like to LAP milk off of things yet. Poor Eugene, he may not survive.

Thanks for stopping in and taking the time to comment. Really appreciated!

Karen from Mentor said...

@ Laura- only high on life m'dear, high on life. But you can lick this toad with me if you want...

@Jodi- I want a photo of you in your super hero costume toot sweet missy. Wouldn't Toot Sweet be a great name for a character? Thank you for the "pure surreal genius."

*skips happily off*

Karen from Mentor said...

@ John Wiswell - I'm a growing girl John, I need a little iron in my diet.

@ Marc -Shocked, shocked I say that I wrote in a MILK FOUNTAIN orgy scene and you didn't wax poetic about the catwomen and the pleasures to be reaped from their rasping tongues.

But a bit more shocked that Alan has spent time thinking about Captain Kirk's thrumming sword....

Thanks so much for reading and commenting.
You guys rock!


Cathy Olliffe said...

Whatever it is you're smoking, girlie, send it my way.
The whole thing was knockdown, drag-out hilarious. And yeah, somebody ought to animate it. Some x-rated animator, I'm guessing.

KjM said...

I don't even know where to start!

"...Then I came across his shoe, and figured dragging...."

There seems like a good place because it sets/gets the voice of your MC character directly across without any wasted time or words.

...although..."one piece fuchsia leotard" does have something going for it also :D

This was a romp, Karen. I have to hear/read more about this narcoleptic vegetarian/space pirate.

Really well done.

J. M. Strother said...

Man, I wish you could draw too. ;) Though you did a pert good job of drawing this with words alone. You have one wild imagination, Karen. I'm so glad you share it.

Kris said...

Okay, you've just created some images in my mind that will probably stick with me for a long time. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not...

Very entertaining, though! And the thought of the flying pasties... Pure genius!

Daniel W. Powell said...

Really cool story, all the way down the line, Karen. Vibrant voice, clever content...