Thursday, December 2, 2010

Pest control……..Flash Fiction

The last straw was opening my lunch box and finding an apple core and an empty sandwich bag. Jeff was the worst roommate in the history of roommates. I saw him rummaging in the fridge this morning after I packed my lunch, but even while I stood under the cold shower cursing him for using all of the hot water and trying to get clear headed, calm and centered for the grueling work day I knew I had ahead of me; I never imagined he would eat my lunch for his breakfast. No wonder he was whistling as he took my travel mug full of the last of my coffee out the door with him this morning on his way to the unemployment office.

I've been busting my hump trying to get the prototype ready to show to the investors and now Hector tells me that the money men are having second thoughts. They say that before they invest that kind of dough they'll need to see human test trials.

I never thought of myself as an evil man, or even as an evil genius. I have historically had trouble with producing anything even remotely resembling a maniacal laugh, so I had imagined myself immune to sliding down the slippery slope toward the dark side. Until today. When I opened my lunch box and saw my missing tuna wrap something snapped in me. A giant Bwahahahahahahaha bellowed from the depths of my soul. At that moment I knew that Jeff was going to do a great service for mankind. Evil mankind admittedly, but mankind nonetheless.

All I had to do was lure him to the lab.

Luring Jeff to the lab turned out to be surprisingly easy. I just called and said I was working late and had a pizza on the way. He showed up to mooch my dinner about fifteen minutes later. Once I stunned him and strapped him to the table all I had to do was decide between imploding or exploding him. I knew that exploding would be much more visually dramatic, but imploding is technically harder and Hollywood hasn't done it as much, so it might be more impressive to the investors crowded into the viewing room behind the shatterproof glass. Plus, I don't really relish the idea of mopping Jeff's intestines off of the ceiling. And Hector is a strict vegetarian, so it doesn't seem fair to ask him to do it.


40 comments:

Danielle La Paglia said...

Bwahahahaha! You can only push so far before someone will snap. I love it. Great job, Karen.

Adam J. Keeper said...

Heh, the imploding is 'technically harder' line cracked me up.

G.P. Ching said...

When I grow up I want to be an evil genius, too. I don't know, I think he had it coming. It sounded like a pretty good sandwich.

Linda said...

Yep, imploding IS technically harder, but well worth it. :-)

estrella05azul said...

Oh my gosh honey, you're amazing! This is the most fun I've had reading about roommates ever since that pest control accident we've had at our place a while back :P
Love that he decided on imploding, definitely a good choice, cleaning up intestines is just disgusting.

*Disclaimer* not that I'd know anything about that! :P

mazzz in leeds said...

I would have chosen imploding too - no mess AND more impressive!

Kris said...

You know, I haven't thought of my old college roommate in years... I wonder where she is these days. I'll be I could find her on Facebook. 'Cause I still haven't gotten over the way I'd come home to find myself temporarily locked out of my room while she was entertaining her latest "conquest."

I'm definitely thinking ... imploding! LOL!

Laura Eno said...

Imploding is a good choice...exploding might have limited the investors chance to ogle, what with the splatter on the glass and all.

Deanna Schrayer said...

Yea, I don't think I'd like cleaning up intestines either - gross! Imploding is the way to go.

Good...clean? fun Karen! :)

Karen from Mentor said...

I'd like to give a collaborative nod to Estrella and Linda. Estrella because this was written to amuse her after a discussion of less than courteous people in tight living situations had me tell her about electronic pest repellents [for rodents and insects] and then hypothecize about how a "more power" version might work on humans.

And to Linda because when I asked the general question: Which is funnier, implosion or explosion.... she chose implosion. And she was right.

*Big Hugs!!*

Jen Brubacher said...

Don't stop there!

Karen from Mentor said...

Squee! That made me laugh Jen. If you want, I could mail you the really gruesome bits...

[I'm pretty sure they still have refrigerated air mail]

*waits while everybody goes Ewwwwwwwwwww*

shannon said...

I think it's funny that he actually had a lunchbox! Although I think I would have had to poison my lunches waaaaay before this point, implosion seems like a much more fitting revenge.
Note to self: practice evil laugh

Jen Brubacher said...

Ah ha ha... and ewwwwwwwww. ;)

Karen from Mentor said...

Not only did he have a lunchbox Shannon, it was a Star Wars collector's edition from 1977. It did however lose some of its collectable value when he modified it with solar powered refrigeration.

Karen from Mentor said...

You snuck in there while I was talking to Shannon, Jen.

So just to be clear...that would be a "no" on the package then?

*goes off with Shannon to practice my evil laugh*

Gracie said...

Mwahahahaha! Hilarious, Karen. You see, even the most annoying have a part to play in the greater scheme of things. And how thoughtful he was to consider Hector's vegetarianism in his decision.

LOVE this story!

Eric J. Krause said...

I wonder if most evil geniuses and mad scientists have such a good reason to turn bad. He was well within his right if you ask me. Good story!

Adam Byatt said...

Share house living is certainly grounds for justifiable homicide. The food thing would make me go loco, but in particular, those who leave the toilet lid up.
Adam B @revhappiness

Mike Robertson said...

I just love it when you release that maniacal evil twin inside you, Karen. And the result is always so entertaining. That said, remind me not to eat your lunch.

Alan W. Davidson said...

Evil tale, my friend. Cool plan. Where were YOU 25 years ago when I need to get rid of my deadbeat (and unemployed) room mate back in Calgary! I vote for imploding...

John Wiswell said...

"Evil mankind admittedly, but mankind nonetheless."

That got a big smile out of me, Karen. My favorite line of the week thus far. Your Horror is funnier than most people's Comedy.

Milo James Fowler said...

Yikes -- a tightly woven tale that had me cringing and grinning by the end.
Write1Sub1

Steve Green said...

He had it coming, pinching someone's lunch is truly unforgiveable. :D

MwuhhahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAhahaha. :D

Karen from Mentor said...

It is pretty bad Steve. But I wouldn't recommend this method for one infraction. Maybe just coal in his stocking?

Love the yikes Milo. A reaction is key for flash. De-lighted that I got two from you.

Thanks for stopping in guys. Always appreciated when people take the time to comment. *BIG Smile*

Karen from Mentor said...

*basks in John Wiswell's comment for a bit*

I'd smooch him, but I don't think his heart could take it.

*high fives him instead*

Karen from Mentor said...

Tell you what Alan...you and Kris find your roomates online and email me. I'll come up with an evil plan for you....
Maybe you could trade, like in "Throw Mama from the Train"

*Note to self: Think about a business plan for EvilIdeas-R-Us*

Karen from Mentor said...

Several responses to "the evil twin inside me" Mike ... giggling... But am self editing. Lovely to see you sweetie.


Adam? Spring loaded toilet seat. That'll teach 'em.

Karen from Mentor said...

*smooches Gracie* Thanks m'dear. It still makes me giggle. Glad Estrella got me thinking about it. Thanks eversomuch for taking the time to stop in to read and comment.

*happy sigh*

Karen from Mentor said...

Danielle, Adam, GP, Mazz, Deanna, Eric and Laura... You guys cracked me up.

So happy you all took the time to read and comment.

If anybody's interested I'm going to attend a workshop called "Feeding your inner Evil Genius" next Tuesday. I can fit you all into my van. [call me]

Seleste said...

Bwhahahahahahaah indeed! I love me some evil genius :) And really, the roommate didn't have any desire to reform obviously. He just donated his body to science a little early :P

Helen Ginger said...

Hey! I am not gonna judge. Sounds to me like he deserved it. Bawhaaahaaahaa.

J. M. Strother said...

I find this line completely unbelievable:

"I have historically had trouble with producing anything even remotely resembling a maniacal laugh..."

Oh, that's right, you were talking in your characters voice. Never mind. :)

~jon

PJ said...

Note to self: thoroughly check resume of any future roommates if this marriage thing doesn't work out (joke!) Paybacks are hell, Karen - good tale!

KjM said...

"Pest Control"??

What a perfect title for this. I loved the "Luring Jeff to the lab turned out to be surprisingly easy..."

He shouldn't have been surprised given Jeff's tendency to mooch.

All in all, an inspired solution to all his problems. And funny.

Well done, Karen.

Harry said...

Don't under estimate yourself, you have lots of evil genius potential! Very funny Karen and a perfect title!

Laurita said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The maniacal laugh was great. Ahhh Jeff, you had it coming.

ganymeder said...

I'm wondering what the prototype is and fearing for poor Hector... :)

Al Bruno III said...

Every mad genius has a tipping point...

Well done as always!

Linda said...

Deliciously evil, and how you manage to make evil funny I dunno. But you do. Peace...