Pest control……..Flash Fiction

The last straw was opening my lunch box and finding an apple core and an empty sandwich bag. Jeff was the worst roommate in the history of roommates. I saw him rummaging in the fridge this morning after I packed my lunch, but even while I stood under the cold shower cursing him for using all of the hot water and trying to get clear headed, calm and centered for the grueling work day I knew I had ahead of me; I never imagined he would eat my lunch for his breakfast. No wonder he was whistling as he took my travel mug full of the last of my coffee out the door with him this morning on his way to the unemployment office.

I've been busting my hump trying to get the prototype ready to show to the investors and now Hector tells me that the money men are having second thoughts. They say that before they invest that kind of dough they'll need to see human test trials.

I never thought of myself as an evil man, or even as an evil genius. I have historically had trouble with producing anything even remotely resembling a maniacal laugh, so I had imagined myself immune to sliding down the slippery slope toward the dark side. Until today. When I opened my lunch box and saw my missing tuna wrap something snapped in me. A giant Bwahahahahahahaha bellowed from the depths of my soul. At that moment I knew that Jeff was going to do a great service for mankind. Evil mankind admittedly, but mankind nonetheless.

All I had to do was lure him to the lab.

Luring Jeff to the lab turned out to be surprisingly easy. I just called and said I was working late and had a pizza on the way. He showed up to mooch my dinner about fifteen minutes later. Once I stunned him and strapped him to the table all I had to do was decide between imploding or exploding him. I knew that exploding would be much more visually dramatic, but imploding is technically harder and Hollywood hasn't done it as much, so it might be more impressive to the investors crowded into the viewing room behind the shatterproof glass. Plus, I don't really relish the idea of mopping Jeff's intestines off of the ceiling. And Hector is a strict vegetarian, so it doesn't seem fair to ask him to do it.