When the red mist cleared I started to regret zip tying you to the light pole out in front of the house. Especially once the cops found you there, naked, on your knees, back to the pole, hands and ankles bound behind you, sporting those six fresh stitches in your dick that you tried to explain away as just a foolish night out with the boys on a business trip, you know how it is....
When they saw the big red A on your chest and the note duct taped to your big hairy gut, the cardboard box at your feet starting to get soggy with snow, they called for back up and cordoned you off with yellow tape.
More cop cars arrived, their lights strobing the frozen landscape with color, drawing a crowd of neighbors standing pressed to their windows, only Cranky Max down the street nosy enough to brave the cold to come out and ask what was what.
When the cops arrived, I thought they'd just wrap you in something from the pile of shredded clothes on the lawn in the hope of preventing frost bite and take you to a hotel.
I didn't realize they might think it was a bomb squad sort of situation. I guess I didn't think the whole thing through. It was just such a shock to have you come home like that, reeking of tequila and so obviously having screwed around.
You said I was crazy for minding, that it didn't mean a thing, that it's not cheating when it's done in a group….. besides it wasn't like you'd paid for it, the whole thing was on the expense account for christ's sake…..well except for the midgets, they were extra.
I stood and listened as long as I could before I headed for my car, you following me, continuing to tell me I was crazy for minding….right up until you fell on the ice and knocked yourself silly.
That's when I tied you to the light pole.
But now, even though I regret it, I don't think that was the crazy part. I think I was crazy for…. well, everybody knows how the song goes. And at least I only used lipstick for the A on your chest, ignoring the devil on my shoulder urging me to use the "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" electric carving knife you brought back for a souvenir…..
Anyhow, Tony, the big Italian cop who showed up and stood everybody down after reading the note and looking inside the box filled with wrestle mania dvd's, said that what I had done was perfectly understandable in the circumstances.
Now you'll have to excuse me while I get back to smashing and shredding the rest of your crap. I'd like to get most of it done before Tony gets back with the pizza. He's newly divorced and said he still has some pent up aggression toward his ex. He said he'd help in any way he could.
I loved the way he looked at me when he said it. Looks like even if I don't get all your stuff smashed in the next couple of hours, it's going to be a long night after all…..
