Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Cat’s Bare Bones Story

This story was generated from Cat's random list of: red notebook, baby alive, sims 2, blue pen, cellphone, purple bus, twisties, rubber gloves, coffee

Surrender is not an option… I may have to kill my manny

Salivating at the sight of a twisties truck is never a good sign.

Giving up cigarettes was hard enough. Giving up the fake orange cheesy goodness of twisties had been murder.

If Sam takes one more thing from me "for the good of the baby" I swear I'll strangle him with the pair of rubber gloves that he keeps under the sink to protect his soft girly hands when he's scrubbing the oven.

My lovely wife Kelli, mother of our beloved and absolutely perfect and gifted two month old daughter, had her heart set on keeping our manny, but by god, I was here first and a man should feel comfortable in his own home.

Being bossed by the baby watcher hadn't been in my game plan when we talked about the joys of parenting.

I mean, the LOOKS I get just for having coffee. You'd think that I was mainlining heroin or something.

Just because Kelli is breast feeding Hannah why does Sam think that I have to give up caffeine too? Kelli was never a caffeine addict and it had been easy for her to kick coffee and tea. She even said that she may not go back to having caffeine after she weaned the baby.

Blasphemy!

I have been drinking coffee since I was a teen and going without coffee in the morning is not an option I want to live with.

Without a java jump start I could easily wander out into traffic and not even notice a giant purple bus bearing down on me.

I know this for a fact, because yesterday when I ventured out sans coffee to buy a baby alive doll for our beautiful daughter after Sam had "accidentally" thrown out all of my coffee beans, I stepped off the curb and almost got hit by a double decker.

The only reason that I'm not dead is Russell. Russell, with his tiny spectacles, constant conversation about the Sims and Sims 2, his wild mop of curly hair and his non stop noting of every bird he sees in his red notebook.

The red notebook that he carries everywhere, and can ONLY be notated into with a blue pen.

Russell saw me in the crosswalk with the bus bearing down on me and shoved me clear of the collision.

His cell phone was the only casualty. It tumbled out of his shirt pocket and was squashed under the wheels of the bus as they went round and round.

I promptly took him to a kiosk and bought him a new one.

He was most appreciative and we spent the next couple of hours talking and drinking coffee.

I found out that he was gay, new in the city and had only come out in the last couple of months.

He was looking for a steady relationship with someone who had a good idea of who they were, and where life was taking them.

A take charge kind of guy.

I think that Russell and Sam may be a match made in heaven.

I've invited Russell to tea on Sunday.

If Sam starts getting laid on a regular basis maybe he'll loosen up and allow coffee and twisties back into the house.

Then maybe I'll stop having daydreams about murdering him in his sleep.

It is remotely possible that I'll get used to going without coffee.

But I really miss those cheesy orange bastards.


 

12 comments:

Karen from Mentor said...

As in previous weeks of Bare Bones stories when you comment today if you want to leave me a list of nine or ten random things to make a story from, knock yourself out.

fun fun fun

:0)

Lauren C said...

I like it. I liked it from the first two lines onward.

and I must agree, cheese twisties are strangely addictive. even the cheap agent-orange air-puff ones... once you eat one, you've got to have another...
and then half the bag's gone and you've got a salt hangover. mmmm.

Cat Connor said...

hee hee hee I loved it!
Freaking Twisties are the most addictive thing on earth. And ya end up with ORANGE fingers. (that's gotta be good for ya, right?)

Loved Russell. LOL

Karen from Mentor said...

Hmmm Lauren,
I have to admit that I've never had a salt hangover. What will you young kids think of next?

(loved agent orange as a descriptor)

Karen from Mentor said...

Oh Good Cat.
Cause, you KNOW I live to please you, even when the story isn't from your random list....

:0)

Russell says he hearts you too....

Cat Connor said...

I heart him right back... and I knew that! I did!

Had head stuck in edits all day. (now it smells funny) Only looked up to read this -tweet - and pick up Squealer.

judy said...

When I read this last night, it took me a while to figure out who the narrator was. So here's what I learned. If you want to help out the ridiculous readers who come to your blog around midnight, you have to add a few titles, like my wife, Kelli. (I type that with some trepidation. Maybe I don't have the narrator right still.)

On the other hand, I was once in a writing group with a guy named Ernie and whenever you suggested something like that, he would always say, "I am not writing to the stupidest of my readers." I wanted to say, "Hey! We stupidest of readers need writers, too!" but I never did.

Karen from Mentor said...

Ok Judy, just for you AND Rachel, I added a couple of lines....(and I have to admit, it's better now)

feedback is always good from the sleep deprived...

Maybe that's why Cat got it no problem...she's ALWAYS sleep deprived.

Hugs!
Karen :0)

Rachel said...

Ah, much better now. I'm glad it wasn't just me that was confused!
That is the problem with editing your own work after all, it always makes sense to YOU!

I like it! And eeergh having to go without caffiene. I never really thought about that. Something to think about, when I decide to have a baby, I'm going to be fat, hormonal and caffiene deprived. And THEN I have to push a human being out of me. Seriously, whose idea was that??

Rachel said...

Also, the spell check on here annoys me. It only ever tells me things are spelled wrong as it's in the process of submitting the post. And then there's nothing I can do about it.

Cat Connor said...

I did get it no problem - it's true I am always sleep deprived.

judy said...

Much better!

I, too, am chronically sleep deprived. So maybe that's not it. Or maybe Cat gains super genius power inversely proportionate to her sleep! (I'm tired now. Can you tell? Time to hit the showers!)