Friday, August 20, 2010

The fiction police-----Flash Fiction

"Let me get this straight," Len said with a grin on his face, "some guy you met in your critique group wrote a disturbing piece of fiction aimed at you and published it on his blog. "

Holly nodded her pretty head and delicately forked some spaghetti and meatballs into her cupid bow mouth.

"You asked him to take it down, but he wouldn't, so you hired some company called The Fiction Police and they took care of it for you."

Holly nodded again and reached for a roll to butter.

"The guy got three chances to cease and desist. When he refused to cooperate, they did outrageous things to him like making his hair fall out, flooding his basement with ghosts and unpotty training his dog. Have I got this right so far?"

Holly's eyes sparkled at him as he waved the pamphlet she had given him to emphasize his point.

"And they can do all this because they have mythical beings on staff; like fairies, witches and honest lawyers."

Holly smiled at him and added some dressing to her salad.

"And now because I'm a writer, and you've run into some other writer whose bubble stood slightly left of center you want me to sign this contract in the back of the pamphlet before we go to the movies?"

Holly handed him a pen, "Yes I do. And I certainly want you to sign it before we get back to my place where you'll gather me ever so gently into your arms and kiss me goodnight."

Len looked again at her cupid bow mouth, used his writer's imagination for a bit, took the proffered pen and signed the standard pre-fictional agreement in the back of the pamphlet.

44 comments:

Laurita said...

Too funny. If only such a thing existed. But, alas, the fiction police are just that, fiction, like fairies, witches and honest lawyers. (I laughed way too loudly at that part).

Eric J. Krause said...

Too funny. What a work of fantasy. I mean, honestly, honest lawyers? That just took this one over the top...

Good story!

Marisa Birns said...

Well, of course fairies and witches exist all over the place. But honest lawyers? Now you're making us stretch our imagination to breaking point.

Uh. Sorry is any of you are lawyers. Just kidding. Heh.

Spaghetti and meatballs sounds really good about now.

Cupid lips is a great look. I used to have wax ones that I was supposed to only use at Halloween but, you know.

Sulci Collective said...

I reckon I've got fiction secret police modelled on the STASI & KGB!

Great fun, honest lawyers!!

marc nash

Alan W. Davidson said...

LOL at Marisa...and that was hilarious, Karen! His very good imagination obviously helped him to decide to sign the pre-fic agreement. Thank goodness for the fiction police!

Mike Robertson said...

Remind me not to mess with you. In print.

Too funny! ;-)

aweeadventure said...

Very nice - what a wonderful establishment that would be, both to use and work for! Reminded me a little bit of Roald Dahl's "Vengeance is Mine Inc".

Gracie said...

Heehee! I agree with Marisa-- witches and fairies are everywhere, obviously. But honest lawyers is just too funny.

What does cupid-bow girl do to require fiction police to protect her? No, I can just imagine.

Love it, Karen. Still giggling.

Valerie said...

The things we do for love. Wise move, though. Terribly funny and a great ending.

Erin Cole said...

Send me my copy, ASAP! Great fun in this, something I think we can all relate too. Except the honest lawyers ;)

Kim Batchelor said...

Oh, to go to that mythical place where the magical honest lawyers reside... To be fair, I do know many of these wee creatures.

I loved the "pre-fictional agreement" at the end. Funny story.

Karen from Mentor said...

Thanks guys, I love it that you're jumping on the honest lawyer bandwagon. It's a cheap shot...but hey, if it works...

John Wiswell said...

I've never written about any real girl I've dated. The temptation to edit is too strong.

Karen from Mentor said...

The pre-fictional agreement cracked me up. Wouldn't that be a GREAT tool to have at the outset of a relationship?

I remember a Richard Jeni bit where he envisioned an honest first date. Each of the date-ees had cards that they dealt one at a time detailing their flaws... it got more and more outrageous as the date went forward...

Sad thing? I've had dates like that....

Karen from Mentor said...

LOL @ Wiswell..... oh man...

You have got to meet different girls John.

Karen from Mentor said...

Gracie asks:
"What does cupid-bow girl do to require fiction police to protect her?"

*looks innocent*

*looks even more innocent*

*skulks away*

shannon said...

They untrained his dog?! Now that's just Mean! Knew I could count on you for a quick smile today :-) Thank you dearest!

Karen from Mentor said...

You're welcome my love. I didn't have your brand new puppy in mind at all while writing that part..

*hands you even more newspapers*

Matt Merritt said...

Very funny stuff. The worst was unpotty-training the dog. My God, the horror.

Maria A. Kelly said...

This is so wickedly funny...laughed out loud at "they untrained his dog" and "they have fairies, witches and honest lawyers!" *wonders what alternate universe they visited to get those!* Great stor!

Laura Eno said...

The honest lawyers really stretched it a bit...unless the fairies and witches cast a spell on them?

I want to know why you skulked away from Gracie's question.

*hands you a banana to tell all*

Karen from Mentor said...

I don't actually eat bananas Laura, because they make my tongue and throat itchy. But you might be able to bribe the monkeys.

Karen from Mentor said...

**** much later *****

I'm still mulling over Marisa's wax lips....

Mari said...

The honest lawyer remark may be a bit over used but I did chuckled with it. I have cause though, being a former attorney and all, heh.

This angelical-looking girl is pretty wicked, no? Untraining a dog is plain cruel.

*mulling at Mari-girl's lip remark too*

Janet Lingel Aldrich said...

So funny ... and scary. I wonder if my characters have contacted the fiction police? No, the cat still uses the litter box and I have most of my hair ...

p.s. From Mentor? Mentor, Ohio?

afullnessinbrevity said...

So very wikkid and a whole lot of fun.
Adam B @revhappiness

Deanna Schrayer said...

This is too funny Karen! And that description of Holly - the cupid-bow lips - that adds so much to the story. Thanks for the laughs!

ganymeder said...

Mythical beings like honest lawyers? Now isn't that going just a bit too far. Like that would ever happen... :D

Cute and funny and I soooooo wish I'd thought of it myself!

mazzz in Leeds said...

Bwahahaha! You know, to my knowledge, only my current (and, so far, only) husband is of the writing persuasion. But I can't help wondering if I've been immortalised in print somewhere, no doubt in a not very flattering way... (well, y'know, exes....)

KjM said...

*giggle*

Holly is such a sweet and dangerous person. "Holly nodded her pretty head and delicately..."

Gotta watch those with cupid bow mouths. Len better do right by her, that's all I can say.

Most enjoyable.

brainhaze said...

Nice work - and "...honest lawyers." now I know its fantasy, damn lol. Great stuff

vandamir said...

Very cute. Good thing The Fiction Police don't exist because I'm fictionalizing my life & some people might be a bit perturbed, especially since I write about such things as fey folk and witches. </;)

J. Dane Tyler said...

Fairies and witches? Fine, I can suspend disbelief for a bit. Honest lawyers? C'mon. That's asking too much of an audience. No one can go that far, it's beyond Tolkien's realm, beyond Oz, beyond ... reason!

;) GREAT job, big fun, where do I sign up?

PJ said...

Oh, yes, I've written about former boyfriends ... by the time i'm done with them they're unrecognizable, tho ;-) isn't editing is wonderful? :-)

G.P. Ching said...

Hilarious. Nothing more fantastical than an honest lawyer! I loved the guys punishments - untrained his dog - ha! Nice work Karen.

Karen from Mentor said...

Thanks everybody. This one was a lot of fun.

I'm working with UMP,the Union of Magic Practitioners [trademark], to see if we can actually get a satellite agency up and running in North America. If it comes to fruition, I'll give you all a heads up.

Danielle La Paglia said...

Too funny! I love the "unpotty training the dog". :)

Daniel W. Powell said...

Loved the story! The pacing is awesome, with the rhythm between the questions and the nonverbal responses. Lovely work of flash fiction...

Rebecca Emin said...

Really cute piece! I enjoyed that.

Karen from Mentor said...

Thanks Rebecca,
Lots of new faces this week. I really appreciate everybody taking the time to stop in.

*does a little happy dance*

Karen from Mentor said...

Thank you Daniel,
I love it when you stop in. The back and forth was my favorite part.

Holly is delightfully mischievous. I think she and Len will get along like a house on fire.
:0)

J. M. Strother said...

"And they can do all this because they have mythical beings on staff; like fairies, witches and honest lawyers."

That was so funny. The whole thing was funny, but that line stands head and shoulders above the rest.

Sorry it took me so darn long to drop by.
~jon

Karen from Mentor said...

The weekend got away from me and I got a little behind on answering the comments...so popping in now to say thanks for taking the time to read and comment everybody.
Much appreciated!!
:0)

Harry said...

Very inventive, funny and cute.