Money well spent.....

Gina reveled in the rented trumpeters announcing her every dramatic entrance, but about half way through the day she decided it would be even more fun if she left the house.  

Upside/Downside of being single in the age of enlightenment…….. Flash Fiction

 
Upside: Jessica made such advances in her personal growth that one day she morphed into a glowing ball of light. 

Downside: Sex became a lot harder.

 

Wonder if there's an article about this in Cosmo? ....

Cindy had gone her whole life without her earlobes peeling. So when an alien emerged from underneath the skin it was her second biggest surprise of the day.

Designated hitter……Flash Fiction

Fear. That little trickle that ices down your spine when you wake at three am, chest tight, existential dread sitting on your ribcage, its dirty yellow toenails digging into your diaphragm, smiling that smug I know something you don't know smile.

There it is again. The scritch scritch that woke you. A small sound in a big world. But you don't live in a big world. Your world has been a tiny tight ball of terror each and every moment since the last time he found you.

Sliding trembling feet to the floor, heart pounding, you creep toward the door, Louisville slugger at the ready. He calls out in a sing song voice,

"Guess who….oo." But this time only one of you will be surprised.

The door swings inward, and you swing away….

Compromised ……………..Flash Fiction

It's amazing how adaptable the human mind is. Take the light in my kitchen for example. I've been in need of a bulb for months, but couldn't get out to get one, so I got used to the gloom. I can now cook almost by feel. And the dizziness, well, after a while, you get used to that too. Blood loss'll do that to you, complaining isn't going to get me anywhere, so why run my mouth about it? And the smell, that musty cupboard under the basement staircase smell, there wasn't anything he could do about it, so why kvetch? But I tell you what, I'm NEVER going to get used to walking into the bathroom and finding him there, wrapped snugly in his wings, hanging by his knees from the shower curtain rod and snoring.

Maybe when I finally get out to buy that light bulb I can get some of those no-snore strips too. It's going to be that, or a stake through the heart. A girl can only take so much.

Receptionist……….Flash Fiction

Stupid bitch. She did it just to get me in trouble. The boss told me she had a heart condition and to cut it out, but what was she, 22? 23? I figured she was just shining him on to get sympathy. And now she'd gone and died on me.

She thought we were all out to lunch. Taking out the shelves and hiding in the fridge to jump out at her when she came for her lunch was supposed to be funny. I was hoping to get her to wet her pants, or scream or something, not freaking die.

The rest of the crew will be back in twenty minutes. I guess I should have listened to Slim. He told me not to do it. To lay off her, that enough was enough.

I can stuff her into the fridge. I'll get Slim to help me strap it to a dolly and load it into my truck. Then I guess I'll have to take care of him too. Mom'll be pissed. But if she makes trouble there's probably enough room in the fridge for three.

Monstrous Flash Fiction

Trick or treat….

Hunger like a million crazed hamsters digging their sharp claws into the lining of my stomach. Days since I’ve eaten. Hiding, creeping along the hedgerows, I watch them trip gleefully from puddles of light to enveloping shadow. Just one. One wouldn’t hurt. I’d eat it standing up. Everybody knows that if you eat standing up it doesn’t count. Any minute now, I can feel it. One will drift a little off the path. With any luck it’ll be a plump one, but not the little whiny one. He’d be sour. I want one who smiles, one who says thank you at each door. One like the little sparkly fairy princess. She’d be sweet. She wouldn’t put up a fuss. But she’d be missed right away. A child like that would have watchful parents. I’ll have to choose another. But not the little whiny one. There’s still time. I can wait. They’ll be out for at least another hour.

Hardboiled ----Flash Fiction

Non smokers taste wonderful; clean and like soap, or salty with sweat from an honest day's work. A smoker tastes bitter, yellow nicotine oozing from every pore. His tongue, skin and cum all yellowish and sharp on the palate. But they're easier to catch, what with all that wheezing while running.

And afterwards, when you cut off his smoking hand and boil it in a pot, the water turns saffron, filling your lovely lair with the intoxicating reek of the addictive pacifier of the masses.

My landlady objects to the smell though, so sometimes I throw in a little tarragon.

 

Fraught with froth….or….Meringue you were a pant-o-mime

I had a nightmare that I was a pastry chef. It was horrible. A mime held a clown's water filled daisy boutonniere to my temple and demanded that I release all the cream pies from the clear display boxes.

Wearing the orange handle [or] A sad tale of decaf –micro fiction

Stretching catlike, low moans escape as muscles release pent up tension.

Yoga as a substitute for sex is like ground acorns substituting for coffee beans; it kinda looks the same but lacks that certain something.

Peace through attitude adjustment….....Flash Fiction

This time last year I was sleeping with a loaded .38 under my pillow, Mr. Safety Catch not even asked to make a cameo appearance.

Now? Cool as a cucumber, sleeping like a baby. Well, without the waking up every two hours and crying. It's AMAZING the peace and tranquility you can achieve in your life through clean living, meditation, yoga and barging into a crowded restaurant with an uzi and taking out the guys who are after you. Just amazing.

That’s not my cleaver officer….

Occasionally it's healthy to behave irrationally. It just might be healthier without quite so much bloodshed next time.

Famous last words…..a zombie western

The zombie Sherriff eyed the interloper.

"Sherriff, this town ain't big enough for the two of us…."

The Sheriff shook his head at the stupidity of the gunman. His right ear fell off and rolled away under the horse trough.

"How about now?" he asked as he shot the young punk deader than a doornail.