tis the season....

I enjoy gawking at christmas lights.

I figure if they don't want me to press my nose to the window --their bushes would be spikier...

fizz, fizz....

When I visualize energy filling me up, up, up -- I try to get it to build to the point where it feels like I'm shooting golden rays of joy out of my fingertips.

 

[unless I'm feeling evil-ish -- then I go for trying to get lasers to shoot out of my eyes]

To sleep, perchance to dream...

Last night I dreamed I was a sword swallower moonlighting as an origami instructor. Funny thing is I woke up with a terrible sore throat and a pillow shaped like a swan....

    
           try not to distract me
I'm busy believing in gravity....

Drenched........

summer walk

stolen from a

travel day 

bench under

a leafy canopy

not quite enough

umbrella to  shelter

us from a

sudden downpour 

your plaintive cry of

“I’m getting wet…”

precipitating

a  squelching dash inside 

walking yesterday

I passed the spot,

remembering

how you fussed about

your hair

your shoes

your clothes 

patted  the tree that

had offered shelter

smiled and wondered

if etched in its bark, its limbs,

its rings of counting time 

there would be

a blip of memory of the day

two people took shelter

and he was such a girl

 

 

 

You should see what I can do with a couple of coconuts.....

There's something really satisfying about pulling a butter knife from the drawer and having it make the same sound you hear on tv when a sword gets pulled out of a scabbard .....

Burial at sea......

I found a corpse in my bed last night. I went into my bedroom, turned down the bed and went back into the bathroom for a glass of water. When I returned there he was, dead as a doornail, lying on my pretty green and white striped sheet. I stood and looked at his pitiful carcass for a minute. Then I got nostalgic for Max. If Max was still alive he would have taken care of the body for me.   

Max and I had been together for five years, but then one day I found him floating, bloated and dead, no obvious marks on his body; he’d apparently just given up the ghost.

I heaved a sigh and picked up the deceased with two fingers.

It seemed such a waste to flush the freshly dead and still juicy midge down the sink, but hey, with no Siamese fighting fish to feed it to, unless I felt like a little extra protein in my own diet, it was the only circle of life thing I could think of to do.

Help Wanted.....

If anybody sees an ad for a cheerful fairy -- send me an email.
[I've already got the wand and wings]

Money well spent.....

Gina reveled in the rented trumpeters announcing her every dramatic entrance, but about half way through the day she decided it would be even more fun if she left the house.  

I guess it’s better than beer…..

I often want to shake the inventor of the picture window by the hand, but this morning I wanted to kiss him on the mouth. I looked outside at traffic while I was waiting for my toaster to pop out a hot, crispy waffle and three stories below something I saw a man on a bicycle doing knocked my socks off. He was dressed all in yellow spandex, had incredibly hairy legs and was sporting a contraption on his bicycle helmet that made me laugh and clap my hands in glee. It was one of those hands free double beer holders with a straw that I've only ever seen someone wear as a joke to a Halloween party. I'm including a photo just in case you don't know what I mean. 

Google sourced image

I'll try to get a picture of him creatively drinking his morning coffee tomorrow, but at the speed he was traveling, factoring in the drag that his hairy legs must cause, and noting that he had TWO cups of coffee in his helmet holder--- his heart may have exploded today and I'll never see him again…

A lesson relearned at the Cleveland Museum of Art.....

Remember back in ‘09 when I had a random Batman riding a motorcycle sighting and I said it taught me to take a camera with me wherever I went? Well, I relearned that lesson yesterday. I went  with a friend to the 2011 Chalk Festival at the Cleveland Museum of Art and we had a wonderful time; but I wish I’d lugged a real camera with me.
[I only had the camera on my phone]

Highlights of the day…. (1)Swing dancing in the grass with a college kid named Gerry to Cats on Holiday [great local band I love] (2) Even though there were HUNDREDS of people there, we randomly ran in to one of my best friends and his girlfriend (3) Talking a policeman into posing for me in a really funny way [not publishing that one] and (4) Standing around speculating whether or not we were [as innocent gawking bystanders] adding power to the demon summoning circle that was obviously going to call up something nasty from the underworld as soon as the moon came up …. [see the second photo]

Cleveland Museum of Art Chalk Festival 2011

Cleveland Museum of Art Chalk Festival 2011

Cleveland Museum of Art Chalk Festival 2011

Rachael Resnick was gracious enough to model her chalky hand

Cleveland Museum of Art Chalk Festival 2011

Cleveland Museum of Art Chalk Festival 2011

...woke up to rain today and was sad that all that beauty was so fleeting....but kinda glad about the demons........

Short walk off a long pier….

I went out and about yesterday to this cool historic fishing pier that juts out into Lake Erie. It was a really nice way to end the day. The sky was a gorgeous shade of blue and filled with clouds that looked like they'd been whipped up out of egg whites and pink sugar. There was a wonderful breeze off the lake, and excellent opportunity for dog and people watching.

But the best part was this little shack right by the parking lot. It had three windows….. Bait, Ice Cream and Advice. Ohmygosh that made me laugh. I wish the building had been open because I would have cracked open my disguise box [I keep it in my trunk for just such an occasion] and gone up to the various windows myriad times. 

I think they probably would have kicked me out right about the time I went up to the advice window wearing my cone head hat and looking puzzled while holding an ice cream cone and a big cup of worms ….

Upside/Downside of being single in the age of enlightenment…….. Flash Fiction

 
Upside: Jessica made such advances in her personal growth that one day she morphed into a glowing ball of light. 

Downside: Sex became a lot harder.

 

Whiskey voice…........... Flash Fiction

Snakes, writhing around on the floor; seen only out of the corner of my eye. I know it's just lack of sleep. I haven't slept in what seems like weeks and the paranoia is setting in. If only the walls would stay in one place. And the refrigerator would stop singing karaoke. Or at least would stop singing Copacabana… and if my head would just stop the damn pounding…. if any one of those things would happen I know I could lie down and get some blessed shut eye.

"Where'd you get this one?" Arc asked Bixton12.

"He was in the cold and flu aisle of a place called 'Walgreens'--why do you ask?"

"I think we may have gone a bit overboard," he answered as he wiped a smudge from the observation glass with his tentacle, "he seems somewhat disoriented."

"It was probably the snakes, I know you like them, but well, the reaction can be unpredictable…."

"At least I didn't make them jump out of the peanut can this time, I do learn from my mistakes." Arc said, a wry smile twisting his beak a bit to the left.

Aw damn, here comes another sneezing jag. I hate the sneezing. Although if I could sneeze my fool head off maybe I could put it in another room and then get some sleep. Man, where did that thought come from? I must be delirious or something, maybe I should call an ambulance….

"Oh dear, he's thinking of calling for help. Well, I guess it's now or never, I thought we'd have at least another twenty four hours.." Arc said as he fiddled with a knob on the control panel.

A section of wall slid to the side and a humanoid of the female style dressed in what they had come to understand was standard care giving costume for this century stepped into the viewing room, startling the test subject. He backed away, but the "nurse" soothed him and got him situated on the couch telling him she was there to help and if he'd just let her take a throat culture she was sure he'd feel better in a short time.

Ok, now I'm sure I'm delirious. When Jessica Rabbit dressed as a porn star nurse makes a section of your wall slide away and comes in to hover over you with a smile, well, it's pretty apparent that Elvis has left the building and your mind has gone awandering with him…. Wait….What the hell is she doing with that hose? Aargh, argh….arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

"This is all you harvested?" Nizar said with a sneer, waving the small sealed vial under their beaks.

"Yes sir, you know that we've found that if we keep the subject after they've decided they need medical intervention the secretions go bad and are worthless to the true connoisseur."

"Well blast and balls, Arc, this is barely enough to even offer on the black market. You're going to have to do better next time."

His gaze traveled to the cowering Bixton12, pinning him to the wall with laser precision. Nizar turned on his talons and stalked out of the lab, leaving an incinerated Bixton12 in his wake. Nizar believed in raising the bar through fear and intimidation. Plus he hadn't had lunch yet and he was cranky. Arc would do better next time he was sure.

Nizar was starting to regret this whole business. He thought he might go back to peddling rhinoceros horn to the limp dicked bastards out there clamoring for phlegm. He didn't know how the idea of phlegm being sexy had caught on anyway. Must be something they'd seen on television….




 

It's easy being green....

No matter where I go, I try really hard to leave a sparkly trail of joy behind me.

[Imagine flowers springing up as my car passes]

That way I know I'm doing all I can to offset my carbon footprint.

Love bug.....

My lovely pirate speaking wench of a fabulous writer friend Jodi MacArthur is sponsoring a contest called “Viva la Love pen” over at her place.

You really, really need to go HERE to look at some of the oneliners about love that she’s collected. Oh and see what the prize is….hee hee hee

I sent my first entry the day she started the contest, but after a couple of days I decided that I had another thing or two to say about love.

These are my entries as of now:

"Love is....he not only doesn't mind your tentacles...he helps you thread them through the holes in your sweater."

“Love is....listening-- when all you REALLY want to do is make them see it your way.”

“Love is....cold hands, warm heart ...and both can make nipples stand to attention.”

Feel free to go on over and throw in your own two cents about love. Jodi’s a lot of fun to play with. But you’ve got to hurry. She’s emptying the wading pool of pudding on 2/3 and announcing the winner 2/4.

I have no idea how she’s going to choose. I’d go with Angel’s contribution. But that might just be me.....


Jodi has chosen a winner:
GO HERE TO SEE WHO WON THE $1 ROTATING LOVE PEN

It’s not joyriding if you have the keys….

I've always had a thing about giant construction vehicles. When I see one parked unattended along the side of the road, I have an urge to stop and see if someone was careless enough to leave the keys in the ignition just for me.

What would follow would be a Curious George kind of scenario. I'd take the vehicle out and do something altruistic with it. Something so fine and good and noble that when the police and rightful owner of the dump truck or giant earth mover caught up with me they wouldn't arrest me because the mayor would be busy pinning a medal to my chest.

Or, I could just take it home and hide it in my garage…..

[Image from this website ]

Necessity, what a great big mother.....

I woke up this morning with a gigantic headache and in need of coffee. When I went into my cupboard it held no coffee filters. I thought about knocking on a neighbor’s door to borrow one, but then I caught a glimpse of my hair standing out all willy nilly in the toaster. I also thought I heard the toaster snickering, but that was probably just a side effect of the headache....

*makes a note to check on that later though*

I had just resigned myself to some really strong tea when I had an idea. No, we need a word bigger than idea here….not quite a word as big as epiphany, but close. I think what I had was an inspiration. I looked at the tea bag in my hand and thought, hey why not?

I cut the end off of the tea bag and dumped the tea into the trash. What I had left was a little tube of cheesecloth open at both ends. I stapled one end, stood the tube up in my coffee can and filled it with darkly roasted ground up heaven. Then I stapled the bundle shut on the other end and lovingly snuggled it into my coffee maker’s basket.

Now here’s the thing. It worked great, and I’ve since had my coffee, but what I want to know is when you look at the photo, do any of you have an urge to draw a face on the little bundle?

…..and maybe give it a blankie, some arms…. a hat….and a teddy…..?

There goes the damn toaster snickering again…..



"Little bundle of caffeinated joy"

May I direct your attention to the center ring…..

I just got a spam email saying that I could be entitled to a legacy of seventeen million five hundred thousand dollars. I'm laughing because at this stage of the game I'd be pleased with a legacy of $305.00.

But the silver lining on the disappointment of not being suddenly insanely rich is being gifted with a new character name. Malcolm Foy. Isn't that a moniker just dripping with possibilities? The Foy part brings to mind the circus family and Malcolm? Well, Malcolm would just have to be a chap who wears a sweater with leather elbow patches. So I'm envisioning a scene with Malcolm high in the air in his leotard and sweater, swinging upside down on the trapeze when his lit pipe suddenly tumbles to the straw below, alighting it, and panic ensues.

I just have to figure out a way to craft it so none of the elephants get hurt. I'm a sucker for elephants. Maybe I'll send them all out to have their toenails polished or something right before the fire rages through the big top.

After all, after a hard day of balancing on balls, what elephant doesn't enjoy a walk through the butter in a nice roomy Frigidaire [to soften the cuticles] followed by a good pedicure?

-Google sourced image-

It’s the fever talking…..

Yesterday I revisited a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon where Calvin asks Suzy if being a girl is like being a bug. I started to idly wonder about that in an abstract way. After a while the latent scientist in me prodded me to see if I could find a more concrete way of figuring out the issue.

I just spent an hour stretched out on my stomach on the floor of my kitchen listening to a bug explain to me what it's like to be a bug.

Answer?

It's nothing like being a girl.

Just FYI.