Ten Questions Tuesday with Laura Eno

Today Miscellaneous Yammering is THRILLED to present the lovely and talented, big hearted, vastly imaginative, wildly sexy, wickedly funny, all around fine humanitarian and fellow Friday Flasher author Laura Eno of A Shift in Dimensions. Laura is a multi faceted person and is very entertaining to talk with because you just never know what to expect from her.

[K sotto voice to crew…she did surrender THE FLAMING SWORD OF DEATH and sign the paper that says everyone gets out alive, right?]

[K to audience]…I think Laura Eno is the best thing since sliced bread. And if you need some bread sliced she has that FLAMING SWORD OF DEATH....so she can make toast at the same time....

So audience let's quit cowering behind our seats and put our hands together while frantically waving any holy items that we may have secreted about our person to give a big Miscellaneous Yammering welcome to Laura Eno!

K: Wow Laura, great outfit! You look awesome. Killer boots. And the bustier thing? It's sooo working for you. I really like that necklace arm band jewelry thing you have wrapped around your neck and bicep. It seems to change color as it …..HEY! GEEZ… I think it just tasted me…….[scoots chair back a little bit]

L: That's Jezebel. She's just letting you know that we're honored to be invited here today. I think she really likes you, Karen. See her little tongue sticking out? If you scratch her behind the tentacles, she'll glow purple and undulate.

K: Maybe after the interview….Can I get you anything else or are you fine with whatever that is steaming in that jewel encrusted goblet that you're drinking from?

L: I'm fine, thanks. Would you like a sip? I can call 911 if it doesn't agree with you.

K: No um…thanks though…..well, ok then it looks like we're all set and if everyone is done reciting all the prayers they might know let's jump right in to:

TEN QUESTIONS WITH LAURA ENO

K: Laura you're affectionately known in our #fridayflash circle as "The Queen of the Body Count," yet you also write young adult and [not for teens] paranormal romance novels. Do you ever have to curb your bloodlust when writing for the younger set?

L: I don't have a problem switching back and forth anymore, especially after fleeing moving to another state. I've learned that bloodlust doesn't sit well with the PTA. They have no sense of humor. If they call though, don't tell them you've seen me.

K: You have both a cat and a significant other. Would you go so far as to say that either one is your muse……or maybe your familiar?

L: Well, my significant other is very familiar with me – oh, that's not what you meant, is it. I can't say that my husband has any influence on my writing; in fact, he often hides in another room while I dream up stories. And if he mentions that nasty incident with my Sword, it was just an accident. Really. My cats do qualify as both muse and familiar. It's only their rightful heritage, don't you think? By the way, you might want to move back a bit farther, Karen. Jezebel is turning red, and that's never a good sign.

K: Laura, like me you are prone to flights of fancy. Has that tendency ever resulted in legal charges of any kind?

L: There was the time…oh, five… or was it six years ago? No, still bound by the Statute of Limitations on that one….. can't talk about that one. Oh! There was this other really funny time that I think the audience would really appreciate…oh no....wait……your audience is mostly human right? …hmm. No, maybe not that one…... So, you really like my boots, huh?

K: Did you have imaginary friends as a child?

L: Yes, I did. It was only later that I found out that they weren't really imaginary. I mean, imaginary friends don't scream when burned, do they? I was rather shocked, actually, and gave up on the whole idea of anything being imaginary after that.

K: If you found yourself lost in a forest, what would be the first thing that you'd do?

L: Tie some vines together and lasso the first tiger that walked by to ride him out of there. If none presented itself, I'd find any likely nearby cottage where a seemingly innocent old woman dressed all in black and possessing a hooked nose with a wart on the end lived. She'd of course be COMPLETELY misunderstood by the villagers. We have a nice chat, some tea, maybe trade some spells.

K: If you had to name the one thing that you would never give up unless your life depended on it, what would it be?

L: The skull sitting on the shelf in my office. His ruby eyes glow at night and he speaks to me. He's very supportive. I don't know what I'd do without Mr. Fluffy to give me direction.

K: Time travel makes my eyes bleed. Both in actuality and in fiction. Have you ever been tempted to write about [or experience] time travel?

L: Of course! I, myself, have been a time traveler in the guise of a two-headed dragon. The paradox can be wonderful to witness – messy, but wonderful. I also wrote a story called "Timing is Everything" that deals with time travel as a form of execution.

K: I've read quite a bit of your flash fiction. You seem to come up with a lot of creative ways to kill people. What kind of research do you do to get ideas?

L: Research? Why would I need research? Are you saying that other people don't naturally have 1,001 ways to kill floating around in their head at all times? How boring for them.

K: Favorite pastime, favorite animal, favorite book or movie, favorite object, favorite mode of transportation?

L: Favorite pastime would have to be polishing THE FLAMING SWORD OF DEATH. We use polishing time to reminisce about all the good kills, and of course to make the new notches. Favorite animal, besides Jezebel here, would be scorpions. They count as an animal, don't they? Favorite movie would still be the original Star Wars. I have a serious case of lust for Han Solo. Favorite object, besides my Sword and the aforementioned skull, would be my Transmutation Belt which I use solely for time travel purposes and not for anything else that I have "allegedly" done. Favorite mode of transportation is a Pterodactyl. I'll bet you didn't know that not only do they have an amazing amount of legroom a Pterodactyl can go from 0 – 300mph in 2.3 seconds. A Pterodactyl also comes with a handy built in special fireproof pouch/pocket for my Sword.

And finally:

K: What are the best three lines of dialog that you have EVER heard, read or written?

L: I'm partial to Disney quotes, with my own embellishments of course. [Confers with Jezebel] Oh, yes, that's a good one.

"It's hard to see anything when you're being ****ing barbecued."

"It's a small ****ing underworld after all."

"I'm a big tough girl. I tie my own ****ing sandals and everything."

K: Thank you so much Laura for coming in to play with me today. To thank you for playing and also for not killing a SINGLE member of our studio audience I'd like to present you with this commemorative Miscellaneous Yammering lead lined metal box for storing your FLAMING SWORD OF DEATH in while you sleep. That way you won't have to keep replacing the drapes and carpet in your bedroom.

L: Thank you, Karen. It's been a real pleasure to be here. A lead lined box is such a thoughtful gift… I am rather partial to my current set of drapes so this will solve the ****ing problem of my Sword having to sleep in the refrigerator……the butter goes rancid so very quickly.

You can see more of Laura's work here, and you can buy her books here.

Ten Questions Tuesday with Brad Nelson

First things first:
Eclectic Flash Magazine launched its amazing inaugural online issue this week. I have a piece on page 26 in the fiction section. Since the issue includes over 50 talented poets and authors I could not be more pleased that my piece Bowling Night was included. I can't wait for the print copy to arrive in my mailbox so I can hold it in my hot little hands.

Now on to today's tQt:

Today Miscellaneous Yammering is pleased and proud and actually slightly giddy with anticipation of his answers to present you with the lovely and talented very macho, very bright, sometimes serious, sometimes quirky, sometimes just plain wacky but always entertaining Brad Nelson the Chief Editor of Eclectic Flash Magazine. Brad works a full time job, edits the magazine, shares the joint responsibility with his lovely wife of raising a young family, writes and submits his own work all over the place and oh yeah just for fun he's getting his MFA while he juggles everything else that life throws at him. Since we only have him for a few minutes and then a helicopter is whisking him off to an undisclosed secret location, everybody please sit up and pay attention [because I wouldn't want you to miss anything] and help me give a warm round of applause to welcome Brad Nelson to Ten Questions Tuesday.

K: Thanks for fitting today's interview into your insane schedule Brad. It's good to have you here. And hey, thanks so much for shaving before you came in, that beard you had before scared the bejesus out of me.

B: Thanks for having me. It's good to be here. And about the beard: In my defense, I was 13 or 14 months into a 15-month deployment to Iraq, so I couldn't be held responsible for my, uh, grooming habits—or sanity. Needless to say, after returning home from Iraq, my wife had that beard shaved clean before I could even take off my boots. It was the old ultimatum: "Either (insert the thing your wife can't stand here, in my case the beard) goes or I go." Now I'm sporting a much tamer version, without the dreadlocks.

K: The new version looks great on you, and I like your wife already. Can I get you some more pie? Or another beer? No? Ok then, if you're ready, I'm ready so let's get started with

TEN QUESTIONS FOR BRAD NELSON

K: Brad, don't take this the wrong way, but you're kind of a wild man. The first day we met and you showed me your backyard samurai video I knew that you were my kind of people. But I really have to ask you, when you licked the ketchup off the really really really sharp sword were you at all worried about slicing off your tongue?

B: Funny you thould athk that.

K: You used to be an army interrogator, have you found that your army training serves you at all in your role as editor of a magazine?

B: No. Let the record state that I have never yelled at any of my editors in an effort to get their feedback on submissions in a timely manner, and let the record further state that I have never interrogated an editor in an effort to discover exactly how the internet "ate" his responses for that week's submissions. Furthermore, I can neither confirm nor deny the use of "extreme measures" to coerce an editor to change his or her opinion of a submission. Does that answer your question?

K: I happen to know that you really enjoy zombies and the undead in general. Is there anything traumatic from your childhood that you'd like to share?

B: Yes, and it still haunts me to this day. Remember the book fairs we had back in school, usually junior high and middle school? Remember the one-dollar bargain book table? Well, I didn't have much money growing up, so all of my book fair books came from the bargain table. And in the sixth grade, I found myself at the book fair with one dollar in my pocket and very few books staring up at me from the bargain table. A blue one with "God" in the title caught my eye, so I picked it up and read the back cover. It was something about a sixth-grader dealing with school and growing up. Hey, I'm a sixth-grader dealing with school and growing up, I thought.

Well, I bought the book and ended up learning about pre-teen female issues—buying bras, having your first period, sanitary napkins, boobs from a female perspective, etc.—way before any boy should have to. Why didn't the lady selling the books know better than to let a little boy buy that book? I still imagine that lady getting together with friends at some librarian bar, laughing and saying, "This round's on me, girls. You'll never guess what book I just sold to a little sixth-grade boy."

Damn Judy Blume and her Are You There, God? It's me, Margaret. I'm sorry. I can't talk about this anymore.

K: Your work has a lot of range to it from flash filled with gore and blood and guts to really quite lyrical romantic poetic pieces. I think I understand how you tap into the blood and guts but how do you get in touch with your more feminine side?

B: AHHHHH, DAMN YOU JUDY BLUME!!!

K: Are you ever frustrated when something that's submitted to EF that you love gets vetoed by your editing staff?

B: Yes and no.

Yes because I have to go and tell someone his or her piece "isn't what we are looking for right now, but please continue to submit more work," when what I would like to say is "this piece is amazing and I would be happy to include it in the next issue of Eclectic Flash."

No because, as the name implies, our publication is eclectic. We are attempting to appeal to a wide audience, and you can bet if our editors—ranging in age from 22 to 77, with both males and females—all agree on a piece, then it definitely has merit and will appeal to the broadest group of readers.

K: I can't imagine you reading your gorier flash to your very young son, but I can imagine you reading books that are age appropriate to him. When you read to him do you do the voices and the animal sounds?

B: Yes. And while I was in Iraq, I would record video of myself reading to him at least once a month, and then mail him the book and the video—of daddy with crazy eyes and dreadlock beard reading Green Eggs and Ham. My wife played them for him nightly, and he cried himself to sleep wondering who the psycho on the TV was.

My son is three now, and his favorite book—at least for this week—is Dr. Seuss's Star-Belly Sneetches. He calls them "Strawberry Sneetches," and it cracks me up when he "reads" it to himself, half remembering and half making it up as he goes along based on the pictures like all kids do.

K: You're among friends here, so tell us what was the last thing that you bought in the toy store that was "for your son" but you actually bought it so you could play with it?

B: Are you kidding me? Every single toy I have ever bought him has actually been for me. They have to be. He makes me play with them for hours on end with him. So far, I have forced my love of samurai swords upon him, as well as my love of dinosaurs, fishing, Nerf guns, classic board games, indoor rock climbing, Hot Wheels cars, books, soccer balls, baseballs, and the list goes on and on.

K: Do you have a hidden talent like pulling your shoulder out of the socket to escape straight jackets, wiggling your ears or telepathy………… anything like that?

B: And you claim to have watched the Backyard Samurai Vs. the bottle of ketchup video? I'll let you in on a little secret. That video was originally three seconds long, including the opening title shot and closing comments. The special effects wizards responsible for The Matrix movies had to work their magic on that video just so mortals could view it.

K: Childhood hero? Favorite band? Worst movie you ever saw?

B: Freddie Krueger? Wait, um… He-man? GI Joe? Uh… No, I guess it was Freddie. He was so cool, definitely the best part of growing up in the '80s. There has never been another decade of children growing up in such fear for their lives. God bless you, Freddie Krueger.

I don't think I have a favorite band, which was probably the worst part of growing up in the '80s. Wait, can I change my answer? Nah, never mind, I don't have a favorite band. I'm listening to Ben Folds Five right now, and Ben is trying to get me to vote for them.

Worst movie? Twilight! (Whoops, did I just say that out loud?)

And finally:

K: If you were ruler of the universe what would be the first change that you would implement to impose your will on the lesser mortals under your control?

B: Are you familiar with the Warhammer dark fantasy novels? Oh, just the first change, huh? Well, as Supreme High Samurai Overlord of the Universe, my first decree would be: (my voice would thunder in all caps, of course) THERE SHALL BE NO SPARKLY VAMPIRES!

K: Thank you Brad for coming in to visit with me today. To show my appreciation I'd like to present you with this custom Miscellaneous Yammering velvet smoking jacket to wear when you sit on your patio with your pipe. In deference to the fact that you live in the desert I asked the tailor to make it without sleeves. Wear it in good health and let me know if it starts a fashion trend in your home town.

B: If I might ask a final favor: could you have your tailor also cut it off above the navel?

[the scene fades out with Karen laughing hysterically]

I'm pleased to announce that the Nelson's added a new son to their family on December 26, 2009.
You can see Brad Nelson's very interesting mind at work here at Weirdyear and also here at The New Flesh.

Ten Questions Tuesday with Jimmy Maguire

Today Miscellaneous Yammering is pleased, proud and pretty much tickled pink to present the lovely and talented amazingly huggable, eclectic, well rounded, gorgeous and hunky not to mention extremely mouth wateringly sexy Jimmy Maguire for today's edition of Ten Questions Tuesday.
Jimmy is a singer/songwriter/musician/philosopher and recently released his new EP  23 Days to the universe. Here's the Promo Video…… I'll wait while you watch it while dancing around and humming the jeopardy theme. Ok, everybody back now with "Disappear" rocking around in their heads? [Love that song!] I know it will be hard, but try to wait til after the interview to download all the songs to your iPod, right now let's jump right in and get started finding out what makes Jimmy tick.

K: Hey Jimmy honey it's great to see you, it's been a while.  I see that you're already enjoying your green tea and your bowl of blueberries. Can I get you anything else? No? Well I just have to say you look great…. I mean really great ...and smell even better…..[wonders if she said that last part out loud]……who is that you're wearing on your tee shirt?

J: That's Janis. Janis Joplin. A good friend of mine took me to a concert in her honor and I fell in love with this shirt. I took Janis home with me.
K: Lucky Janis…..I love Janis, I don't know how I blanked on Janis…… I must have been distracted by something.... wow, that's really soft material.....

[people start to stare]

Oh, right….ok, well then if you're ready Jimmy I'm ready so lets get started with
 
TEN QUESTIONS FOR JIMMY MAGUIRE
K: Jimmy your energy offstage is drastically different than onstage. How do you whip yourself up for a performance and let all that pent up star power shine out to the audience?

J: Well something happens when my feet feel a stage beneath me. I feel the energy of the room, the energy of the audience; I feel my own energy within me. I feel my fingers and palms resting on the guitar-strings. I know that as soon as I strike them a door opens and all the emotion within me is allowed to go through. I feel and think in terms of notes and stillness, silence and sound, and my tools become the guitar and amplifiers. I stretch & bend the strings of my guitar and I saturate my vacuum-tube amplifiers. And it goes deeper...words come alive; their meanings are uncovered and tested. Words stand and cry & holler for my life and lives of those I love. I open my heart and my voice and I am filled with melody. I feel the guitar I'm holding covered in sweat, and I am transformed. 
K: If you could have any guitar that was ever made, what would you have? And would you name it?

J: I am endlessly enamored of both electric and acoustic guitars so think I will need more than one... a Wine-Red 50's Gibson Les Paul Custom Electric Guitar, an old Gibson Acoustic Guitar with a cutaway, something unusual like a Gretcsh with a Bigsby or an old voodoo-infused Telecaster. That would be my harem.  And actually, one I already own would be in there as well, she's had many lives already and has become a part of me. She's sleeping now, and has two names.  To the world I've always called her Phoenix, but there is so much of my sweat on her sanded maple body to me she has become my DNA. 
K: How old were you when you first started performing?

J: I started playing lead guitar at concerts in high school.
K: Have you ever bombed?
 
J: I once bombed in the role of sound technician. It was the hardest I ever worked, there were unspeakable circumstances and insurmountable odds, --looking back I'd say even though the bomb went off I saved the town. (Laughs) It is a favorite memory of mine that I laugh and cringe at often.  But, as a musician, fortunately I can say no. 

K: Describe the perfect night onstage.

J: Every night is a perfect night, each with a unique set of imperfections.  Sometimes a simple technical annoyance like not being able to hear myself sing will frustrate me and that emotion comes out in my guitar and voice. Imperfections become the obstacles that keep me alert and present while navigating a familiar course.
K: If making music was suddenly illegal would you still do it?

J: If breathing were suddenly illegal would you still do it?
K: Jimmy you know I'm a tree hugger and I don't want to shock your fan base or anything so I'll leave you some wiggle room and say that  I think that  you might be one  as well, do you find time to keep nature in your life now that your music career has taken off?

J: Tree hugging!  (Laughs) Excellent question.  Well, a good friend of mine pointed out that the guitars I play and wear against my body all day long are made out of wood from trees. I immediately went out to thank a tree for giving the world guitars... so I gave it a hug.  I've never stopped thanking them. 
K: A genie gives you three wishes. What would you wish for?

J: A Healthy Family. Beautiful Music.  Prosperous Music. 

K: Name your favorite rocker, your favorite album, your favorite super hero, your favorite food, and your favorite thing to do at three in the morning.

J: Fav rocker: Richie Kotzen, fav album: Born to Run, fav super hero: my son Noah, fav food: vegetables, at the moment fresh fennel, favorite thing to do at 3am... if I am alone... drink coffee and write music, if I am not alone... wake 'em up and see if they want to play.
And finally:


K: When you're rich and famous and living on your own private island right next door to Johnny Depp's private island can I come visit?

J: Yes, of course.
K: Jimmy it was a pleasure having you here at Miscellaneous Yammering today. To show my appreciation I'd like to present you with this custom cozy for your guitar case. It has multiple slots for things like pics, extra guitar strings and a tiny pencil and paper for when you're inspired and just have to write a snippet of lyric down before you lose it.
 
J: That is sooo sweet and exactly what I need.  
Jimmy's music is available on iTunes, Amazon, LimeWire, Rhapsody, LaLa, Shockhound  and at veryjimmy.com where you'll also find his upcoming performance schedule. 

Ten Questions Tuesday with Aaron Bonk

Today Miscellaneous Yammering is thrilled to present the lovely and talented, limber, lithe, artistic, athletic, impossibly graceful and extremely sexy Aaron Bonk. Aaron is a performance artist and an object manipulation specialist…… in other words…..he juggles stuff….often while he's on stilts and what he's juggling is on fire or actively trying to slice him limb from limb. And did I mention he's funny? He's pretty funny…. [no pressure there Aaron] so with only a little further ado, we'll get started with today's installment of Ten Questions Tuesday…..[here comes the further ado]

K: Ok boys, light the fuse…….kids…… don't try this at home …… Aaron's a professional………

Minions, please protect your ears and hold your applause until today's guest is shot out of a cannon and safely deposited into his interview chair and then and only then, help me to welcome Aaron to the stage  by stomping, whistling and clapping [or just throw money].

K: Wow Aaron, nice job on sticking the landing…. thanks for coming in to see me today. I didn't know you were going to show up in costume. What do you call that character?

A: I call him"El Bonko!"  He's a lot of fun. 

K: Ah, and well, I must say, the transparent and mesh parts of your costume really give me some….how shall we say…insights into your talents.

A: Well, you know what they say……Merchandising, merchandising, merchandising...

K: Followed up by "location, location, location"….and I think you nailed that part pretty well too. Oh my, I think you're still smoking a little from the cannon….oh no wait, that's me… can I get a little water here, please?

K: Whew, ok, let's dive right into

TEN QUESTIONS FOR AARON BONK

K:  Aaron, you have a pretty dramatic hair cut, matched with dramatic facial hair.  When you're walking around in street clothes do people ever come up to you and ask you if you're a magician or musician or something?

A:  No.  Never out of the blue like that.  With a triangle Mohawk and matching soul patch, I think people just assume I'm an artist, punk or general freak.  It has helped greatly with recognition, though.  If they've seen my show, then they know it's me when they see me somewhere else.

K: Anybody who knows me knows that my three goals in life are to learn to juggle, play the guitar and levitate. You've got two of those down, are you working on the levitation?

A: I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.  That's actually a Stephen Wright joke.  Levitation doesn't really interest me much, though.  I want to FLY.  Douglas Adams said that to fly, you just have to throw yourself at the ground and manage to miss.  Unfortunately, I have really good aim.

K: You move around the country so that you don't have to stilt walk on ice and snow in Ohio during the winter.  Do you have a favorite place to perform?

A: Cleveland is my home and it is always so nice to go away for a while then come back and show people the performer I became while I was gone.  I've always received a great deal of support from my family, friends and the people of this city.  So, I love to go learn and grow and come back home and say, "hey, look what I brought you."  That's what the show at the Bridge Project was like--many people in that audience had seen my show before, but they had never seen THAT show.  Other than that, I love any warm place with sunshine and a beach.

K: Speaking of beaches, any plans to try juggling while surfing? Or would that be even beyond the skills of "El Bonko?"

A: I'd love to.  Actually, the 3 things I'd like to do in life are pilot a helicopter, learn stunt driving and learn to surf. Once I get the surfing down, I'm sure that the juggling will naturally follow.

K: The other night when I saw you use a bullwhip to cut a rose head away from the stem while a volunteer was holding it IN HIS MOUTH….that guy was so calm, and he kept mugging for the audience when you weren't looking, was he a ringer?

A: Nope.  He was just awesome.  I never use audience plants.  When I put that rose in the unsuspecting guy's mouth and then crack that whip for the first time and they find out what's about to happen--the genuine reaction is priceless.  And everyone reacts differently.  I love the beauty in that truth and the comedic potential is huge.

K: You use a lot of sharp things in your act. Have you ever been hurt on stage?

A: I've taken countless minor cuts and burns while performing, but once, while performing at a nightclub for a fetish party, I sliced the tip of my thumb off.  It didn't hurt right away because of the adrenaline, but the thumb has a major artery in it, so it started bleeding like crazy. I had about 5 minutes left in my act, so every now and again I would just turn around and nonchalantly suck all the blood off my thumb and continued going.  It was pretty dark and I played it off, so I don't think most people knew, but I bled all over the stage and my partner. Kind of worked with the event, though.

K: Have you ever gotten to a venue and found out that it was too short to stilt walk in?

A: Not quite.  I've found that there were really difficult spots to get through--like a long, low hallway between where I change into the stilt outfit and where I perform. But I usually discuss ceiling height before I get there.  If I need to I bring smaller stilts.

K: Your super power seems to be whirling objects in interesting ways.  When you become a professional juggler is there a ceremony where you stand around in a circle at midnight in hoods and the "elders" make you swear on your props [I know…but  balls was too obvious] to use your powers for good, not evil?

A: Absolutely not.  If I were prohibited from using my powers for evil, I don't think I would be in this business. Wink wink, nudge nudge...

K: If your life were a comic book what would it be called?

A: Probably "the Juggler."  At least, that would be my superhero nickname.  The Juggler would be like a batman-kind of hero--no supernatural ability, just really badass skills and slick gadgets.  All the different juggling props would do different things--exploding clubs and whatnot.  I used to pretend this a lot as a kid.  Okay, it was last week.

And finally,

K: You say you are determined to teach me to juggle……I'd be willing to try a little hands on experimenting. So…..can I handle your balls? [I know! But I refrained the first time]

A: Sure, but you've no idea where they've been. 

K: Aaron thanks so much for coming in to play with me today. To show my appreciation I'd like to present you with this custom three inch wide orange and neon green glow in the dark Miscellaneous Yammering garter to use during your cruise ship voyages. I sewed a little pocket into it that's big enough for room key cards, money orders or deeds to any old  Spanish villa that a lady might have lying around.  Wear it in good health and hopefully it will garner a lot of currency for you.  I'll enjoy picturing you wearing it when you bare your well muscled thigh on stage like you did the other night.

[ok, you guys are going to have to give me a minute]

 

 

Aaron performs all around the country. Here's a link to a few videos at his website of him performing.

 

Ten Questions Tuesday with Lauren C

Today Miscellaneous Yammering is as pleased as punch to be presenting the lovely, talented, very huggable, artistically minded and sweet smelling daughter of my heart - my "extra" daughter- Lauren C for your entertainment. Lauren has been in my life for many many years and watched me grow up as I watched her do the same. She is hilariously funny, wicked smart and very entertaining to be around. Especially when she dances.

So crank your stereos up to eleven, put your hands in the air like you just don't care and join me in welcoming Lauren C to Ten Questions Tuesday.

K: Hi Lauren Honey, sorry to make you get up before noon, but my minions are early risers. Is the coffee that we hooked up to the iv strong enough?

L: Oh, you mean there's coffee in this sugar? Well, in the words of my childhood hero, Tony the Tiger, it's gr-rrr-rrr-rrrreat!

On second thought, "Tony the Tiger" kind of sounds like a guy in the Italian mob. I imagine a square-shaped Don with rings on his fingers and greased-back hair, putting a heavy hand on Tony's shoulder... "Hey, Tony. I got a job for ya. See, there's somebody who owes me... owes me some breakfast cereal."

Also, thanks to Wikipedia, I now know that Tony has a Spanish alias: El Tigre Toño, which will totally be my name when I become a Mexican wrestler.

K: I really like the shirt you're wearing. Did you paint that cool design?

L: Um... yes. I painted it. With... stuff. That red spray? Not from zombies. Nope. It's from... hot wings!

K: Ah. I'd use a napkin next time then.

[a few minutes pass…we hum the jeopardy theme while the coffee kicks in]

K: I see that you can actually keep your lids open over your beautiful eyes now …. but I think that maybe we'll adjust the coffee drip a little bit to slow down the vibrating…..there... that's better…. now let's jump right in to

TEN QUESTIONS FOR LAUREN C

K: Since you're not quite awake, we'll start you off slow. Seen any good movies lately?

L: Here's a quick run-down: see Up if you haven't already. Pixar outdid itself, again. I cried, I laughed, I nearly snorted popcorn through my nose. It's got a tender but energetic story, well-rounded characters, and gorgeous visuals. And a funny dog.

Don't see District 9, because it would be way too gooey for you. At times it was a bit too gooey for me. Personally I believe blood should not spatter the camera lens more than once during any given film.

Still, it's a good sci-fi movie, I think. For once the aliens aren't the bad guys. When was the last time that happened? E.T.? And while E.T. looked like a goofy raisin with eyes (never liked him much), these aliens are kind of like bipedal lobster/grasshopper hybrids. And they have some charming quirks, like a taste for cat food. Imagine a big honkin' alien creeping up on your porch to nibble from your cat's bowl... that would be AWESOME.

And there's a little kid alien that is sooo cute.

But the one movie I saw that everyone must
see is... Cat in Tube. On YouTube. It's a cat. In a tube. Actually it's in the sleeve of a jacket.

I could watch that all day.

K: If you could be an animal, what kind of animal would you be?

L: A numbat, of course.

Or, if they're all out of numbats, I would settle from any of the ones from my list of animals-that-frequently-show-up-in-my-art-or-writing: crow, cat, raccoon, fox, and OWL OWL OWL (I love owls. It borders on addiction).

Mostly woodland animals... guess I'm showing my forest roots. Haha. Forest, roots... I made a funny.

K: What's the weirdest thing that you've seen a drunk college student do?

L: What haven't I seen drunk college students do? (What haven't I... uh... never mind) Actually, I'm rather disappointed in the local drunkies' lack of creativity. Mostly they do a lot of shouting, some staggering. Typical stuff. And then they all flock to Taco Bell or Wafflehouse to eat what is roughly defined as "food" to soak up the alcohol.

But no couches on fire! No pinatas in the street! No streaking, even! If they're going to be obnoxious, then I want some performance art, dang it!

...Off to buy some pinatas...

K: Describe something you saw in an art show or a catalog or a store or on tv that if you had all the money in the world you'd run right out and buy.

L: A llama! The Dalai Lama! The world's biggest ball of twine!

Actually, I'm pretty low-maintenance. I'm happy with a bottle of orange cream soda and a squeaky-toy shaped like a dolphin. Those were actually my last purchases. No lie.

But I'd probably buy the Sheep Throne. [type "sheep chair" into Google Images] It's terrifying. It's intimidating. It's #*%$ing nuts. And with that chair, I could rule the world. Mwahaa!

K: You recently had the opportunity to read some of your poetry in front of an appreciative crowd. Can you tell us a little about how the reading went? (Don't forget to tell us how many times the person who introduced you used the phrase published poet. )

[In my visual Lauren is wearing a fetching beret and black turtleneck with a bongo player behind her]

L: I did wear black. It was in a chapel. Yes. A holy place. And holy cow, it was awesome, even though I had to introduce myself. (Though I must say, it was a pretty good introduction. I shook my own hand for that one.)

Unfortunately I left my bongo player at home, but I shocked myself with how well it went. I was... funny. People... clapped.

And even though I read poems with bad words and two poems in a row about the apocalypse, tons of people told me I was the best reader of the night (out of five). Suffice to say that my head grew at least ten sizes that night. It was hard to fit through doorways for awhile.

K: Some of your beautiful artistic wares are now being sold in a shop. What's the dumbest thing that you've overheard someone say about anything that is for sale of yours or other artists?

L: Ok, it's not about stuff for sale, but my favorite comments are those mostly heard in art galleries/museums, generally in regards to Abstract Expressionist paintings, like Jackson Pollock pieces: "My three-year-old son could paint that!"

To which I want to shout, "But he didn't paint it, DID HE?!"

K: You have a lovely very tall boyfriend. He sometimes grows facial hair. Which do you prefer? Facial hair or clean shaven?

L: I'll be honest: clean shaven. My darling boyfriend can rock the facial hair for about a week, but then it starts to look kind of funny to me. Last spring he had a mustache-goatee combo that made him look a little too much like Wesley from a Princess Bride. Not that Wesley isn't a charmer - but that facial hair makes me giggle.

K: If you could add a body part to yourself, what would you add?

L: Hm. Probably something hopelessly nerdy, like retractable claws or laser eyes. I had a friend once who said she'd give up her right hand if she could have a paw instead. A tiger paw, specifically.

Intriguing people seem to glom to me... wonder why that is.

(Unrelated note: I love the word "glom.")

K: Which brings us right to, what superpower do you possess or wish you possessed?

L: If I told you, I'd have to kill somebody. Not you. Perhaps the postman, poor guy. Don't make me do that. How will I get my student-loan bills and Aldi circulars without him?

...Then again...

But I really can't think of any superpower I wouldn't want. Can't I have it all? I'd like a superpower-a-day calendar... Tear off the page, and you have that day's power. Monday you can fly, Tuesday you can walk through walls, Wednesday you can turn water into hot coffee, just in time for Donut Wednesdays at the office. Wouldn't that be great?

And finally,

K: When your story is written for future generations, what do you want wickipedia to write about you?

L: Oh, I expect there will be hundreds - nay, thousands - of people all trying to write their bit. My article will constantly have the "Needs citations" and "This article needs clean-up" tags over it. As long as there are plenty of links to other, completely unrelated articles, I'll be happy.

I imagine there will be a line or two about my fabulous debut/incredible crashing-and-burning at Miscellaneous Yammering, of course.

K: Lauren honey thank you so much for coming in to play Ten Questions Tuesday with me. I thought your debut was spectacular!

And I had a blast interviewing you. I don't know when I've giggled so much.

To thank you for playing I'd like to present you with a personalized Miscellaneous Yammering glow in the dark tiara and sidewalk chalk set.

Now I think that we should go to the park and walk off some of that caffeine. But the great thing is I'll have an opportunity to bring my camera and put the aperture on a slow speed. If I hold really still I think I can get some cool artistic shots of you vibrating like that.

L: G-g-g-geee t-th-thanks! I h-h-had a g-g-grrreat time!

Ten Questions Tuesday with Rachel

Today Miscellaneous Yammering is pleased and proud to present the lovely and talented and awesomely singly named Rachel. Yes, singly named, like Cher. And like Cher, Rachel needs no further introduction. If you don’t already know who she is, you are sadly out of step with the world around you. Go hang your head in shame.

K: Good morning Rachel, it was nice of you to pry yourself out of your nice warm bed to yammer with me today.

R: I do love my bed. It’s fantastic. But for some reason when I tell people that I want to be buried on my mattress, they look at me funny.

[K looks at her funny]

K: Are you comfy? Can I get you another stack of pancakes?

R: OOH, ok, so maybe we can talk while I’m on my bed, sitting on a throne made out of pancakes. With a little crown, a scepter… Yes, set that up. Then we’ll talk.

[scrambles frantically to appease the visiting diva]

K: Here you go then, everything you asked for. Hey, you look really cute on the pancake throne…but maybe we should have reconsidered the syrup.

I’m ready…I’ll just perch here on the edge, out of the syrup stream….now if you’re all comfy and you’re ready to rock… let’s roll.

TEN QUESTIONS FOR RACHEL

K: Rachel, you could have taken the whole summer off of school and lolled around reading science fiction and playing Sim City….yet, you chose to take classes….what’s up with that?

R: Well it’s very simple really, my major is very conceited. It does not realize that the college has its own requirements, and therefore leaves me no time to take gen ed classes. So it wasn’t really a choice per say, it was more “gee, I’d like to graduate at SOME point, and it’s already taking me 5 years to get my degree (with no masters might I add) so maybe I should do this.”

K: You have had a lot of pets in your life….what is the strangest thing that you’ve ever had happen with a pet?

R: Well, while I have in fact had a tree frog jump in my mouth, yes, my MOUTH, I think the strangest thing I’ve had was a suicidal ribbon snake. It bit itself in half. No idea why. He just did.

K: You own a magnificent Bearded Dragon named Happy whom you would never allow anyone to malign. You’ve seen the movie Holes in which Bearded Dragons are depicted as scary vicious creatures. Care to expound on that subject?

R: Well, they weren’t really Bearded Dragons in the movie, they were yellow-spotted lizards PLAYED by bearded dragons with some CG help. So it was ok.

K: When you were four you saw Charlotte’s Web for the first time. When [spoiler alert] Charlotte died, you were inconsolable for hours……have you recovered from that trauma, or does it still haunt your every waking moment?

R: I really don’t know how to respond to this question… Yesterday my flute teacher told me that she was trying to print out a picture of someone but the computer just kept printing out a picture of a pig. Go technology!

K: I know you love a good rant, but like me, you don’t really swear…have you found that the lack of swearing hampers your ability to get up a good head of steam when you rant? [Love the little crinkly thing you get over your nose btw….and all the arm waving and hopping up and down]

R: I do love a good rant! But I’ve never used curse words, so it certainly doesn’t get in my way. Darn and daggonit are pretty good swear words in my book. I like when shows get around that by making up their own swearwords (Firefly anyone?) like Gorram. I don’t know what you’re talking about with a crinkly thing? You mean like wrapping paper?

K: Speaking of ranting….after seeing the new Star Trek film, you had several, how shall we put it….ISSUES…with some of the story line…..hit the high points for us won’t you?

R: Well really one thing. It was advertised as a prequel. A prequel. Definition: A prequel is a work that portrays events and/or aspects of a previously completed narrative, but is set prior to the existing narrative. (Thank you Wikipedia, the day that my professors allow me to use you as a source will be a wonderful day indeed). So why did they think it was ok to make a prequel turn into an alternate universe? Clearly because they are idiots and don’t read Wikipedia. Or look up definitions before making a movie. Next time guys, there’s this great function. I’ll give it to you step by step. 1) Go to Google. www.google.com. 2) Type in the search box “define: prequel”. 3) Read definition. See? It’s easy.

K: You have a very sweet boyfriend. What’s the one thing that you can tell us about him without making him die of mortification?

R: He likes to eat chicken. And rice. He rides a dragon when he needs to get around. I once convinced someone at a party that my boyfriend was a UFC fighter. And he believed me until I finally told him I was joking.

K: Which of these words or combination of words would you say most describe you? Gifted, Brilliant, Smarty Pants, Geek, Loveable, Adorable, Nerd, Musician, Curious, Hilarious, Inventive, Compassionate, Good typist, Creative, Huggable, Juggler, Great Looking, Tiny, Long fingered, Big Eyed, Accomplished Ear Wiggler, Queen of the Universe.

R: Hello leading question. How are you today? What do you mean you didn’t give me many words that you thought I’d take out?
See, this is the problem with having your mom make up these questions, she starts using words like “Brilliant, Good Looking and Rachel” in the same sentence. Well let’s see. The only ones I would use myself to describe me would be…. Nerd, musician, curious, compassionate, juggler, tiny, and accomplished ear wiggler. As we all know, I’m not aiming to become Queen of the Universe. I have a life. That’s too much work. Ultimate dictator of the world will work just fine.

K: How many hats do you currently own? And tell that story about when you and your friend Debbie got thrown out of Higbees for trying on hats because they thought you were drunk…oh, no, wait that was me….just answer the part about the hat quantity….and describe the one that you REALLY rock and rock HARD.

R: Well…. I own a green baseball cap. It’s green. Somewhat faded. It keeps my face from getting burned. The green color kind of looks funny now from the sun, so it doesn’t ever match what I’m wearing. So I guess I can say I rock it, but it’s more functional than anything else.

K: And finally, what was it like growing up in a household with a mom who read stories you wrote about “The Great Flaming Cheese” [awesome story by the way] and loved loved loved it?

R: See, and here’s yet another problem with having your mom make up these questions. Let me rephrase this for you. “Tell everyone on my blog how awesome I am. I’ll wait.”
But I will take the opportunity to hype my upcoming novel, The Great Flaming Cheese. That seems like the thing to do on these blogs. Synopsis: A young boy must save the world from the horrible world wrecking entity, the Great Flaming Cheese. He is aided only by his pet rabbit Steve.
This is a work in progress, and I think I’ll say the estimated publication date would be, oh, say, 2060? I should be retired by then and have time to finish it.
So you should all keep it in mind, and in 50 years, signed copies all around, ok?


K: Thanks so much Rachel for coming in today to be inquired at by moi. Now, come over here and give me a hug and then lets go loll about for hours and watch a full season of Gilmore Girls….or Firefly…you choose.

R: If only! I think you mixed up my summer here…. Remember question #1? Classes, work? Maybe we can do that in 2060 when I publish my book. I wonder if they’ll still have DVD’s then. We might have to buy Gilmore Girls and Firefly: the Interactive versions. So real, you’ll step in the cow poo.

But I will give you a hug…and thanks again for all of the pancakes. Can I get you to pack some up to take with me in a doggie bag? And just to be clear the doggie bag isn’t actually for a doggie, the pancakes would be for me…..some to eat…..some to sit on……

Ten Questions Tuesday with Cat Connor

Today at Miscellaneous Yammering we are pleased and proud to present the lovely and talented not to mention charmingly accented Cat Connor, author of Killerbyte .

K: Cat thank you for flying in from New Zealand to be here with me today. You are far and away the interviewee who travelled the most miles to answer my inane questions. I just hope you get another book deal out of the trip. Or at least a nice hot towel on the return flight….and fyi… I found out that the airline doesn't like it when you strip and use it for a sponge bath…just a heads up.

C: Thank you for having me over. It was a great trip-hardly any jet lag at all; just nice and quiet.

How did you know? It did include another book deal for my next book Terrorbyte, the 2^nd Ellie Conway adventure, [blushes demurely] thanks for asking! And thank you also for the heads up on the sponge bath, Karen, I had no idea. I'll just pop this hot towel down somewhere before things get ugly. I wouldn't want to be the cause of terror on the flight home. (again)

K: Ok, Cat, let's get started shall we? Got your thinking cap firmly in place?

C: I do indeed. Wouldn't cha know it; it's my lucky killerbyte hat.

K: Ah, that explains the bullet holes.

K: Ok, here we go:

TEN QUESTIONS FOR CAT CONNOR

K: Cat, I've heard that the bugs in New Zealand can be as big as a bus. Is that true?

C: Bus, large mouse, it's all very similar, especially if said bug is in your washing machine doing a turn on the top of the towels! I do wish I could introduce you to the large weta that went for a swim, but he didn't look too well after his rescue. I think he realized pretty quickly that I wasn't about to do CPR on a freaking bug! The most he and I could hope for was him drying off on the lawn out back and then limping away. I didn't check

K: Speaking of bugs…your main character said one of the funniest things that I've ever seen in print about honey. She said "Why do people like bee puke so much?" Is that an opinion you share? Or is your MC the only smart ass in the family?

C: Seriously, why do people like bee puke? What is the attraction to that sticky mess? Which by the way, tastes like crushed motion sickness pills-thanks mum. I wish I could say Ellie's the only smart ass-but my nose would grow and I love my nose. It's a great nose.

K: You seem to have been influenced by smart asses all the way through. At one point your MC says to her brother "Sit down, Aiden, you're making the place untidy." Now for me, I instantly heard Bogart saying that line. As a matter of fact I'm now sitting here wondering if he SAID that line in the Maltese Falcon. [glares suspiciously at you] Care to expound on that missy?

C: So what you're saying is….my grandfather was Bogart? That's the first I knew. Wow. That is amazing. Wonder why he never told us kids? Perhaps it was one of those 'take it to your grave' type secrets.

K: You live with children and a husband. How the heck do you get any writing done?

C: Duct tape. It has silencing properties that usually only kidnappers and the like know about. Bit of a writer trade secret really. Combine that with TV and you've got at least two hours (by the time they chew through the tape) of peaceful writing time. Which reminds me, I best get some more tape.

K: When you travel, what is your least favorite thing? Whining in moderation is allowed here; go ahead, you're amongst friends.

C: The actual traveling part. Really for the full experience I insist that you come to New Zealand, I can provide a boisterous highly intelligent 3 yr old and an interesting 10 yr old with ADD and then some, and I will let you spend three hours on the Interislander ferry with no cell phone coverage trying to keep them entertained and safe, oh and fed! It's a joyful time, really it is. So can I count on you in October when I must trek south again?

K: Um….I'll just check my calendar; can I get back to you on that Cat?

K: Ok, now to the important stuff. Best Prince song ever?

C: Wasn't he formerly known as squiggle? The guy who had no backside in his pants…he sung did he? Funny old world we live in. Now had you said Bon Jovi-we'd be here all night!

K: If you were given a dollar and were told that it was a magical dollar, would you a)spend it hoping that what you bought would be magical as well b) give it away to someone in need of magic in their life c) call together great minds in the fields of physics and elemental chemistry to study it d) forget you had it and leave it in the console of your car to be accidently spent at 3:00am at taco bell?

C: I'd like to say I'd give it away to someone in need of magic in their life…but I think we all know I'd put it in my wallet and one of the kids would take it. By the time I realized they took the magic dollar it'd be way too late and the magic school bus would be a reality show.

K: What is a movie that you would never admit to liking in public? (one of these damn days SOMEONE will actually answer this question)But if it's Porky's, reconsider your answer. I would actually revoke my endorsement of Killerbyte if it's Porky's. Or if it's The Sound of Music…that would be worse than Porky's. Christopher Plummer just gives me the willies.

C: He gives us all the willies. I recall Porky's from many years ago, and I hope to never see or hear of it again. There are so many movies to choose from here…let's just say the straight-to-DVD movies Stephen Seagal has done of late (okay, or ever). What's possibly worse, is that I own so many of them. We call him flappy man in our house-yep even have a pet name for the man. I'm sure there is a support group I could join.

K: Speaking of movies that Julie Andrews was in; did you ever see Victor/Victoria? Now THAT'S comedy.

C: I did. He/She's truly fabulous. She's not getting my tiara though. I'm sorry but I came a long way for this loot, and I'm not sharing. As wonderful as Julie is…she can get her own.

And finally,

K: Having travelled all this way…do you think it was worth it? Don't forget to factor in the free Miscellaneous Yammering tee shirt, slippers, tiara and travel coffee mug.

C: This tiara alone is worth it. How did you know I love sparkly things so much. I feel kinda mean for not sharing with Julie Andrews but damn, it was a long flight-and I deserve it! I shall be wearing the tee shirt, slippers, and tiara home while drinking from my fabulous new coffee mug.

K: Cat, thank you for coming in to play Ten Questions Tuesdays with me today. Despite the fact that I have a funny Ohio accent and you had a little trouble understanding me, I think that that went pretty well, don't you? And by the way you are ROCKIN that tiara.

C: I'd like to thank you for not thinking I was Australian (bit of a dirty word down here, that one)and for breaking through the accent barrier…I love your accent by the way, once I got used to it everything was just fine.

I've had a great time and am truly loving this tiara.

Suppose I now have to go rip the duct tape off the family and head back home. Or I could leave it on, and enjoy a quiet trip…….

Hang on a second Cat, let me just look something up….ok, got it...here's a look at a giant weta....holy cow, glad that wasn't in my washing machine…

Ten Questions Tuesday with Judy Clement Wall

Today at Miscellaneous Yammering we are delighted to present the lovely and talented, winsome and wonderfully toothy Judy Clement Wall. Judy is the author of Zebra Sounds, a thought provoking and hard hitting political and interesting fact finding blog for anyone curious about the world around them and cats who flush toilets (whew)..... joining us for TEN QUESTIONS TUESDAY. K: Good Morning Judy, you smell wonderful, what's that fragrance you're wearing? J: Hi, Karen! Actually, I'm not wearing a fragrance, I just smell good. Makes me easy to work with. I should add that to my bio. K: Do you need a cup of coffee or anything, a blankie? Squeaky toy? J: Wow, three of my favorite things! You're such a good host. I didn't realize you'd be so prepared to make me feel at home, so I brought my own squeaky toy. His name is Zeke. He used to have fur, but I've loved it all away. Like the velveteen rabbit. Only Zeke is a duck. A once-furry duck. Strange how things work out. I'll just set him here. Well, now that you and Zeke are all settled in, here we go... Ten Questions for Judy Clement Wall K: Judy, you have three names. Serial killers and guys who shoot presidents always have three names....is there anything you'd like to share? J: Yes, desperately, but my lawyers have advised against it. K: You write serious fiction. Does that mean when you publish your book you'll get serious money? J: Yes. No more funny money. My lawyers have advised against that as well. K: You are surrounded by men in your household. Who sheds more on the bathroom floor, them or you? J: I haven't seen the bathroom floor since we got our dog, Lexi, last year. We adopted her from the Humane Society, so her breed is uncertain, but she has shedding super powers. No dog can match her. K: If you were going on a long trip and could only take one thing with you....what would it be? And of course this doesn't mean your family or your dog; of course you would take them on a long trip, what else would go with you? J: Zeke. Definitely. K: You have a mind that buzzes with electricity at all times. You are very interested in the world around you. Has that ever led to you being arrested? J: No, it hasn't, Karen, and that's because I always wear running shoes. I know Jane is partial to Jesus sandals, but let me just say that while they have their sort of earthy charm, they are not conducive to escape. In my experience, avoiding arrest often comes down to the shoes you're wearing... I'm sorry, Karen, just a second..[answers cell phone]... Oh... My lawyers are asking that you not include that last question on your blog. K: If you were walking in the woods one day and saw a unicorn, what would you do about it? J: Have another drink. K: Some people are weirded out about certain body parts. Like feet. Some people just can't handle feet. Is there a part of the human form that freaks you out? J: Who told you about me and feet? K: What is the oddest thing that you've ever seen your dog do? J: It would have to be that time she dressed up as a unicorn and surprised me in the forest. K: This is a two parter.....Best dessert? Best desert? J: Dessert? Cheesecake, hands down. Desert? LA. And finally: K: If you had to do it all over again, what would be the one thing that you would change about what you are wearing today? btw: LOVE the leg warmers..... J: The headband, I think. The sequins are a little much, aren't they? I was nervous. K: Thank you so much Judy for coming in to play Ten Questions Tuesday with me. You are so much fun to talk to and I do think that maybe we were separated at birth.... J: Thank you, Karen! It's been fun. When they contact you, don't let my lawyers scare you. They're harmless really, although they do shed. K: But they shed scales, right?