Country Girl's Bare Bones Story

This story was generated from Country Girl's random list: whiskey, chicken livers, magenta, umbrella, roller skates, caulking gun, shelf liner, Clorox, diamonds and goats.

 

Home Improvement

I was in my backyard in my beloved ratty old magenta robe, having my morning beverage while resignedly watching the goats placidly eat the vegetable garden that I had just painstakingly planted.

I looked up at the back of the house and started thinking that I really had to do something about the trim around the windows. It was really disgraceful how dull and lifeless it had become.

I love my little house and I want it to gleam and sparkle and go 'ting' when the sun hits it in the morning.

So I said to myself, Stevie my girl? Right after you finish this whiskey there's going to be some serious sprucing up done around here.

I tromped back into the mud room; deftly sidestepping the roller skates left carelessly by the door, and hauled myself down the basement stairs to look for my trusty caulking gun.

I was going to caulk the frogfest out of those windows and there wasn't a moment to spare.

Well, as it turned out there was a moment to spare to feed my beloved cats some nice chicken livers that I had picked up at Trader Joe's yesterday along with some Clorox because, really, after cutting up chicken livers in your nice shiny sink, you have to use some Clorox to get rid of the smell.

Cats eat weird things. But not as weird as people. I mean eggs? Who thought up the idea of eggs? The first guy that saw a chicken squirt an egg out of its backside and then said, Hey! I think I'd like to see what that tastes like…..he must have been an interesting fella.

Cats happy and purring, I showered and put on shorts and an awesome tank top which proclaimed me in dazzling rhinestones to be "Queen of the shelf liners."

Feeling like Ty Pennington, but with much nicer boobs, a sun hat and a diamond toe ring, I hauled my paint spattered ladder out of the shed and climbed up to scrape and caulk the windows.

Just as my trusty razor widget made contact with the first window the heavens opened up and car wash style rain soaked me through to the skin before I could even grab an umbrella from my car.

I stood in the downpour a minute marveling at the vagaries of southern weather and unfortunately giving my neighbors an eyeful due to the thinness of my tank top.

Crossing my arms over my chest, I walked squelchingly back toward the mudroom.

Fat lot of good my sun hat had done me today.

I went back inside and dried off and did the next best thing to actual home improvement.

I cuddled up on the couch with my critters, a nice glass of wine and multi tasked by slow roasting a chicken in the oven while watching HGTV and tweeting about the hot carpenter guys for the next four hours.