Tuesday, November 10, 2009

I salivate at the sight of mittens

My friend Leigh Barlow had that sentence as a tag to his email signature recently. I laughed and laughed and thought that it was brilliant. I instantly emailed him and asked if I could quote him. While waiting for a response [we live in different time zones] I typed it into google and found out that the line belonged to author/columnist Art Buchwald. In the mid sixties Buchwald wrote an extensive list of questions that satirized personality questionnaires. I salivate at the sight of mittens was one of his satiric true/false questions.

While researching the line I found a number of so called "verbal Rorschach tests" patterned on Buchwald's original list.

I'm going to share an amalgam of my favorite test questions with you.

Feel free to shout out true or false as you read the questions in the privacy of your own home.

Or if you're in public feel free to shout out both the question and the answer.

Go ahead. Tell them Karen said it was ok.

Here's the list:

I salivate at the sight of mittens

I prefer spiders to lima beans

I become homicidal when people try to reason with me

God rarely answers my letters

Sitting in the glove compartment makes me claustrophobic

It is hard for me to find the right thing to say when I find myself in a room full of mice

I am afraid of finding myself in a drawer or some other compromising place

When I was a child I was an imaginary playmate

My parents always faced catastrophe with a song

I think oatmeal is erotic

I have an uncontrollable urge to fondle other people's teeth

I am piqued when I find a rhinoceros in my bed

I am often bothered by thoughts of sex while having intercourse

It makes me angry to have people bury me

When I was younger I used to tease vegetables

I am easily wakened by the firing of cannons

I don't enjoy room temperature

I often line my pockets with hot cheese

My dog is someone else's best friend

Walls impede my progress

My toes are numbered

I've lost all sensation in my shirt

As an infant I had very few hobbies

And finally [this is just plain mean]

I like to put chameleons on plaid cloth

Feel free to tell me your favorite from the list and I just BET someone can guess mine.


Ashley said...

This is awesome. I especially enjoyed: "I don't enjoy room temperature."

judy said...

Well, I definitely think you have a thing for oatmeal! As for me, It really does make me angry to have people bury me. Among other truisms on this list! Laughed my way thought it! Thank you!

Laura Eno said...

I have a question - you didn't specify if the teeth fondling was while the teeth were in someone's mouth or if the teeth were floating in a glass... just curious.

I believe that you find oatmeal erotic.

Karen from Mentor said...

I'm a wee bit worried about why you need clarification on that point Laura...laughing....but if it were actually me making the statement the teeth would be firmly in a mouth lol.....

as for your second statement... stay tuned

Karen from Mentor said...

I laughed my way through typing it Judy!
Glad you enjoyed it.

Karen from Mentor said...

Hey Ashley nice to see you.
I tweaked a couple of the statements to make them funnier for myself. The room temperature one was one of those.
And it's such a bizarre idea that it makes my head swirl with storylines.

jane, candid said...

Karen, what a fun start to my day -- very clever! And, I have to go with you lining your pockets with hot cheese (better visual than oatmeal)

Karen from Mentor said...

Hi Jane!
Ok...laughing...gonna go with a Robert's Rules of Order point of clarification here and say that none of these statements are necessarily true for me myself and I....laughing...[except for the numbered toes...but that's another post]

Just that I loved each and every one of the statements but there was one in particular that stood out for me....

There. That ought to do it....oh man....you guys are so much fun.


Anonymous said...

Boy did I need a laugh like this! I felt slightly insane just reading this list ... not a bad feeling, actually.

Because I've always had a suspicion that I don't really exist, I'm intrigued by this one: "When I was a child I was an imaginary playmate"

Btw, I just have to tweet a link to this.

Karen from Mentor said...

Tweet away Linda. If we can help more people feel both happy and slightly insane by reading my post I'm all for spreading the word.

But don't forget to wear your tin foil hat...especially since apparently you're already in a vulnerable existential state....

Anonymous said...

Oh, that's hilarious! My favorite was the "I am easily wakened by the firing of cannons" since each morning when I wake up because our roommates I feel like, all the door slamming, high heels, falling dishes, someone is firing cannons on the hallway...
That's the queue that I need my ear plugs to fall asleep again.

PS: your favorite isn't the one about mittens? I'd guess that's your favorite since that's your title :)

Lauren C said...

Teeheehee. Awesome. I particularly liked "It is hard for me to find the right thing to say when I find myself in a room full of mice," but there quite a few others that also filled my head with ideas... like "I've lost all sensation in my shirt," ha!

I'm not sure which one would be your favorite, but I'm not banking on the oatmeal. I imagine you find oatmeal more comforting than anything else.
Though to some people, it is possibly dangerous, and should not be eaten alone... (See the poem "Oatmeal" by Galway Kinnell. http://www.tnellen.com/cybereng/poetry/oatmeal.html)

Wendi said...

Great list.

And I find oatmeal erotic, too. But maybe that's just because I have a thing for Quakers.

Karen from Mentor said...

It's the sexy hat...get's 'em every time....

Karen from Mentor said...

I love the one about mittens Estrella, and it's definitely in my top five.

Now I'm picturing disembodied high heels walking around trashing your dishes in the morning....

Karen from Mentor said...

"the last oozings hours by hours came to him while eating oatmeal alone."

I think they may have broken you at college Lauren with some of the things that they made you read...lol....that was a scary thing.....I don't find oatmeal slimy. I actually like it and have it quite frequently. And I never eat alone.

I have all the voices in my head to keep me company.

[just for my own edification...do the mice in your vision have little vests and hats or were they au naturale?]

Kris said...

I'd love to see a survey of dentists and dental hygenists to see how they would respond to the "fondling other people's teeth" one. LOL! I'll bet they'd have a much higher than average number admitting to such a fetish!

Karen from Mentor said...

Ewwww Kris....I DO NOT want to think about my dentist ENJOYING cleaning my teeth....lol...at least not in THAT way....laughing a lot.....oh man...

The statements that made me laugh the hardest were the title and then :

I think oatmeal is erotic [Judy, Laura and Wendi were right....sorry Lauren but if it's any comfort that line made me picture a "boring stories" skit with Bert from Sesame Street...so I think that I've been punished enough for having impure thoughts regarding oatmeal]

I have an uncontrollable urge to fondle other people's teeth
[just because it's such a ridiculous idea...although I could see men thinking that about Judy...she has gorgeous teeth...wait did I just type that out loud?]

When I was younger I used to tease vegetables
[I think that this would involve a whip and a wok....and that's just wrong on SO MANY levels]

judy said...

Awww! You know, I do have nice teeth! Hugs to you for noticing. Out loud.

Karen from Mentor said...

you're welcome....

Laura Eno said...

Yes! I knew it!

Karen from Mentor said...

Laughing... yes Laura you were right...but you may have had an unfair advantage since you spend all your waking hours figuring out what motivates your characters.....


~Tim said...

I am not easily wakened by the firing of cannons, but the massive layoffs keep me up at night.

And I like to put chameleons on paisley.

Karen from Mentor said...

Parsley would be kinder.

and enjoyed the massive layoffs.