HAPPY DANCE HAPPY DANCE HAPPY DANCE!!!

Lauren is in town and tomorrow I'm going to get to hug her and kiss her and squeeze her and call her George!!!! Well maybe I'll just call her Lauren, but there will definitely be some heavy duty squeezing going on. Maybe I should call her and tell her to wear a thick sweater so I don't bruise her ribs. I want you all to be jealous that you're not going to get to have lunch with us, so I'm reprinting Lauren's TEN QUESTIONS TUESDAY from September of last year so you can see why I'm so excited.

Please enjoy this very timely Tuesday rerun of Ten Questions Tuesday with Lauren C:

Today Miscellaneous Yammering is as pleased as punch to be presenting the lovely, talented, very huggable, artistically minded and sweet smelling daughter of my heart my "extra" daughter, Lauren C for your entertainment. Lauren has been in my life for many many years and watched me grow up as I watched her do the same. She is hilariously funny, wicked smart and very entertaining to be around. Especially when she dances. So crank your stereos up to eleven, put your hands in the air like you just don't care and join me in welcoming Lauren C to Ten Questions Tuesday.

K: Hi Lauren Honey, sorry to make you get up before noon, but my minions are early risers. Is the coffee that we hooked up to the iv strong enough?

L: Oh, you mean there's coffee in this sugar? Well, in the words of my childhood hero, Tony the Tiger, it's gr-rrr-rrr-rrrreat!  On second thought, "Tony the Tiger" kind of sounds like a guy in the Italian mob. I imagine a square-shaped Don with rings on his fingers and greased-back hair, putting a heavy hand on Tony's shoulder... "Hey, Tony. I got a job for ya. See, there's somebody who owes me... owes me some breakfast cereal."  Also, thanks to Wikipedia, I now know that Tony has a Spanish alias: El Tigre Toño, which will totally be my name when I become a Mexican wrestler. 

K: I really like the shirt you're wearing. Did you paint that cool design?

L: Um... yes. I painted it. With... stuff. That red spray? Not from zombies. Nope. It's from... hot wings! 

K: Ah. I'd use a napkin next time then.

[A few minutes pass…we hum the jeopardy theme while Lauren's coffee kicks in]

K: I see that you can actually keep your lids open over your beautiful eyes now …. but I think that maybe we'll adjust the coffee drip a little bit to slow down the vibrating…..there... that's better…. now let's jump right in to

TEN QUESTIONS FOR LAUREN C

K: Since you're not quite awake, we'll start you off slow. Seen any good movies lately? 

L: Here's a quick run-down: see Up if you haven't already. Pixar outdid itself, again. I cried, I laughed, I nearly snorted popcorn through my nose. It's got a tender but energetic story, well-rounded characters, and gorgeous visuals. And a funny dog. Don't see District 9, because it would be way too gooey for you. At times it was a bit too gooey for me. Personally I believe blood should not spatter the camera lens more than once during any given film. Still, it's a good sci-fi movie, I think. For once the aliens aren't the bad guys. When was the last time that happened? E.T.? And while E.T. looked like a goofy raisin with eyes (never liked him much), these aliens are kind of like bipedal lobster/grasshopper hybrids. And they have some charming quirks, like a taste for cat food. Imagine a big honkin' alien creeping up on your porch to nibble from your cat's bowl... that would be AWESOME.  And there's a little kid alien that is sooo cute. But the one movie I saw that everyone must see is... Cat in Tube. On YouTube. It's a cat. In a tube. Actually it's in the sleeve of a jacket. I could watch that all day.  

K: If you could be an animal, what kind of animal would you be?

L: A numbat, of course. Or, if they're all out of numbats, I would settle from any of the ones from my list of animals-that-frequently-show-up-in-my-art-or-writing: crow, cat, raccoon, fox, and OWL OWL OWL (I love owls. It borders on addiction). Mostly woodland animals... guess I'm showing my forest roots. Haha. Forest, roots... I made a funny. 

K: What's the weirdest thing that you've seen a drunk college student do?

L: What haven't I seen drunk college students do? (What haven't I... uh... never mind) Actually, I'm rather disappointed in the local drunkies' lack of creativity. Mostly they do a lot of shouting, some staggering. Typical stuff. And then they all flock to Taco Bell or Wafflehouse to eat what is roughly defined as "food" to soak up the alcohol. But no couches on fire! No pinatas in the street! No streaking, even! If they're going to be obnoxious, then I want some performance art, dang it!  ...Off to buy some pinatas... 

K: Describe something you saw in an art show or a catalog or a store or on tv that if you had all the money in the world you'd run right out and buy.

L: A llama! The Dalai Lama! The world's biggest ball of twine! Actually, I'm pretty low-maintenance. I'm happy with a bottle of orange cream soda and a squeaky-toy shaped like a dolphin. Those were actually my last purchases. No lie.  But I'd probably buy the Sheep Throne [type "sheep chair" into Google Images] It's terrifying. It's intimidating. It's #*%$ing nuts. And with that chair, I could rule the world. Mwahaa! 

K: You recently had the opportunity to read some of your poetry in front of an appreciative crowd. Can you tell us a little about how the reading went? (Don't forget to tell us how many times the person who introduced you used the phrase published poet. )

[In my visual Lauren is wearing a fetching beret and black turtleneck with a bongo player behind her]

L: I did wear black. It was in a chapel. Yes. A holy place. And holy cow, it was awesome, even though I had to introduce myself. (Though I must say, it was a pretty good introduction. I shook my own hand for that one.) Unfortunately I left my bongo player at home, but I shocked myself with how well it went. I was... funny. People... clapped.  And even though I read poems with bad words and two poems in a row about the apocalypse, tons of people told me I was the best reader of the night (out of five). Suffice to say that my head grew at least ten sizes that night. It was hard to fit through doorways for awhile. 

 K: Some of your beautiful artistic wares are now being sold in a shop. What's the dumbest thing that you've overheard someone say about anything that is for sale of yours or other artists?

L: Ok, it's not about stuff for sale, but my favorite comments are those mostly heard in art galleries/museums, generally in regards to Abstract Expressionist paintings, like Jackson Pollock pieces: "My three-year-old son could paint that!"  To which I want to shout, "But he didn't paint it, DID HE?!" 

K: You have a lovely very tall boyfriend. He sometimes grows facial hair. Which do you prefer? Facial hair or clean shaven?

L: I'll be honest: clean shaven. My darling boyfriend can rock the facial hair for about a week, but then it starts to look kind of funny to me. Last spring he had a mustache-goatee combo that made him look a little too much like Wesley from a Princess Bride. Not that Wesley isn't a charmer - but that facial hair makes me giggle. 

K: If you could add a body part to yourself, what would you add?

L: Hm. Probably something hopelessly nerdy, like retractable claws or laser eyes. I had a friend once who said she'd give up her right hand if she could have a paw instead. A tiger paw, specifically.  Intriguing people seem to glom to me... wonder why that is. (Unrelated note: I love the word "glom.")

K: Which brings us right to, what superpower do you possess or wish you possessed?

L: If I told you, I'd have to kill somebody. Not you. Perhaps the postman, poor guy. Don't make me do that. How will I get my student-loan bills and Aldi circulars without him? ...Then again...But I really can't think of any superpower I wouldn't want. Can't I have it all? I'd like a superpower-a-day calendar... Tear off the page, and you have that day's power. Monday you can fly, Tuesday you can walk through walls, Wednesday you can turn water into hot coffee, just in time for Donut Wednesdays at the office. Wouldn't that be great? 

 And finally,

K: When your story is written for future generations, what do you want wickipedia to write about you?

L: Oh, I expect there will be hundreds - nay, thousands - of people all trying to write their bit. My article will constantly have the "Needs citations" and "This article needs clean-up" tags over it. As long as there are plenty of links to other, completely unrelated articles, I'll be happy. I imagine there will be a line or two about my fabulous debut/incredible crashing-and-burning at Miscellaneous Yammering, of course.   

 K: Lauren honey thank you so much for coming in to play Ten Questions Tuesday with me. I thought your debut was spectacular! And I had a blast interviewing you. I don't know when I've giggled so much. To thank you for playing I'd like to present you with a personalized Miscellaneous Yammering glow in the dark tiara and sidewalk chalk set. Now I think that we should go to the park and walk off some of that caffeine. But the great thing is I'll have an opportunity to bring my camera and put the aperture on a slow speed. If I hold really still I think I can get some cool artistic shots of you vibrating like that.

L: G-g-g-geee t-th-thanks! I h-h-had a g-g-grrreat time!

Ten Questions Tuesday with Laura Eno

Today Miscellaneous Yammering is THRILLED to present the lovely and talented, big hearted, vastly imaginative, wildly sexy, wickedly funny, all around fine humanitarian and fellow Friday Flasher author Laura Eno of A Shift in Dimensions. Laura is a multi faceted person and is very entertaining to talk with because you just never know what to expect from her.

[K sotto voice to crew…she did surrender THE FLAMING SWORD OF DEATH and sign the paper that says everyone gets out alive, right?]

[K to audience]…I think Laura Eno is the best thing since sliced bread. And if you need some bread sliced she has that FLAMING SWORD OF DEATH....so she can make toast at the same time....

So audience let's quit cowering behind our seats and put our hands together while frantically waving any holy items that we may have secreted about our person to give a big Miscellaneous Yammering welcome to Laura Eno!

K: Wow Laura, great outfit! You look awesome. Killer boots. And the bustier thing? It's sooo working for you. I really like that necklace arm band jewelry thing you have wrapped around your neck and bicep. It seems to change color as it …..HEY! GEEZ… I think it just tasted me…….[scoots chair back a little bit]

L: That's Jezebel. She's just letting you know that we're honored to be invited here today. I think she really likes you, Karen. See her little tongue sticking out? If you scratch her behind the tentacles, she'll glow purple and undulate.

K: Maybe after the interview….Can I get you anything else or are you fine with whatever that is steaming in that jewel encrusted goblet that you're drinking from?

L: I'm fine, thanks. Would you like a sip? I can call 911 if it doesn't agree with you.

K: No um…thanks though…..well, ok then it looks like we're all set and if everyone is done reciting all the prayers they might know let's jump right in to:

TEN QUESTIONS WITH LAURA ENO

K: Laura you're affectionately known in our #fridayflash circle as "The Queen of the Body Count," yet you also write young adult and [not for teens] paranormal romance novels. Do you ever have to curb your bloodlust when writing for the younger set?

L: I don't have a problem switching back and forth anymore, especially after fleeing moving to another state. I've learned that bloodlust doesn't sit well with the PTA. They have no sense of humor. If they call though, don't tell them you've seen me.

K: You have both a cat and a significant other. Would you go so far as to say that either one is your muse……or maybe your familiar?

L: Well, my significant other is very familiar with me – oh, that's not what you meant, is it. I can't say that my husband has any influence on my writing; in fact, he often hides in another room while I dream up stories. And if he mentions that nasty incident with my Sword, it was just an accident. Really. My cats do qualify as both muse and familiar. It's only their rightful heritage, don't you think? By the way, you might want to move back a bit farther, Karen. Jezebel is turning red, and that's never a good sign.

K: Laura, like me you are prone to flights of fancy. Has that tendency ever resulted in legal charges of any kind?

L: There was the time…oh, five… or was it six years ago? No, still bound by the Statute of Limitations on that one….. can't talk about that one. Oh! There was this other really funny time that I think the audience would really appreciate…oh no....wait……your audience is mostly human right? …hmm. No, maybe not that one…... So, you really like my boots, huh?

K: Did you have imaginary friends as a child?

L: Yes, I did. It was only later that I found out that they weren't really imaginary. I mean, imaginary friends don't scream when burned, do they? I was rather shocked, actually, and gave up on the whole idea of anything being imaginary after that.

K: If you found yourself lost in a forest, what would be the first thing that you'd do?

L: Tie some vines together and lasso the first tiger that walked by to ride him out of there. If none presented itself, I'd find any likely nearby cottage where a seemingly innocent old woman dressed all in black and possessing a hooked nose with a wart on the end lived. She'd of course be COMPLETELY misunderstood by the villagers. We have a nice chat, some tea, maybe trade some spells.

K: If you had to name the one thing that you would never give up unless your life depended on it, what would it be?

L: The skull sitting on the shelf in my office. His ruby eyes glow at night and he speaks to me. He's very supportive. I don't know what I'd do without Mr. Fluffy to give me direction.

K: Time travel makes my eyes bleed. Both in actuality and in fiction. Have you ever been tempted to write about [or experience] time travel?

L: Of course! I, myself, have been a time traveler in the guise of a two-headed dragon. The paradox can be wonderful to witness – messy, but wonderful. I also wrote a story called "Timing is Everything" that deals with time travel as a form of execution.

K: I've read quite a bit of your flash fiction. You seem to come up with a lot of creative ways to kill people. What kind of research do you do to get ideas?

L: Research? Why would I need research? Are you saying that other people don't naturally have 1,001 ways to kill floating around in their head at all times? How boring for them.

K: Favorite pastime, favorite animal, favorite book or movie, favorite object, favorite mode of transportation?

L: Favorite pastime would have to be polishing THE FLAMING SWORD OF DEATH. We use polishing time to reminisce about all the good kills, and of course to make the new notches. Favorite animal, besides Jezebel here, would be scorpions. They count as an animal, don't they? Favorite movie would still be the original Star Wars. I have a serious case of lust for Han Solo. Favorite object, besides my Sword and the aforementioned skull, would be my Transmutation Belt which I use solely for time travel purposes and not for anything else that I have "allegedly" done. Favorite mode of transportation is a Pterodactyl. I'll bet you didn't know that not only do they have an amazing amount of legroom a Pterodactyl can go from 0 – 300mph in 2.3 seconds. A Pterodactyl also comes with a handy built in special fireproof pouch/pocket for my Sword.

And finally:

K: What are the best three lines of dialog that you have EVER heard, read or written?

L: I'm partial to Disney quotes, with my own embellishments of course. [Confers with Jezebel] Oh, yes, that's a good one.

"It's hard to see anything when you're being ****ing barbecued."

"It's a small ****ing underworld after all."

"I'm a big tough girl. I tie my own ****ing sandals and everything."

K: Thank you so much Laura for coming in to play with me today. To thank you for playing and also for not killing a SINGLE member of our studio audience I'd like to present you with this commemorative Miscellaneous Yammering lead lined metal box for storing your FLAMING SWORD OF DEATH in while you sleep. That way you won't have to keep replacing the drapes and carpet in your bedroom.

L: Thank you, Karen. It's been a real pleasure to be here. A lead lined box is such a thoughtful gift… I am rather partial to my current set of drapes so this will solve the ****ing problem of my Sword having to sleep in the refrigerator……the butter goes rancid so very quickly.

You can see more of Laura's work here, and you can buy her books here.

Ten Questions Tuesday with Brad Nelson

First things first:
Eclectic Flash Magazine launched its amazing inaugural online issue this week. I have a piece on page 26 in the fiction section. Since the issue includes over 50 talented poets and authors I could not be more pleased that my piece Bowling Night was included. I can't wait for the print copy to arrive in my mailbox so I can hold it in my hot little hands.

Now on to today's tQt:

Today Miscellaneous Yammering is pleased and proud and actually slightly giddy with anticipation of his answers to present you with the lovely and talented very macho, very bright, sometimes serious, sometimes quirky, sometimes just plain wacky but always entertaining Brad Nelson the Chief Editor of Eclectic Flash Magazine. Brad works a full time job, edits the magazine, shares the joint responsibility with his lovely wife of raising a young family, writes and submits his own work all over the place and oh yeah just for fun he's getting his MFA while he juggles everything else that life throws at him. Since we only have him for a few minutes and then a helicopter is whisking him off to an undisclosed secret location, everybody please sit up and pay attention [because I wouldn't want you to miss anything] and help me give a warm round of applause to welcome Brad Nelson to Ten Questions Tuesday.

K: Thanks for fitting today's interview into your insane schedule Brad. It's good to have you here. And hey, thanks so much for shaving before you came in, that beard you had before scared the bejesus out of me.

B: Thanks for having me. It's good to be here. And about the beard: In my defense, I was 13 or 14 months into a 15-month deployment to Iraq, so I couldn't be held responsible for my, uh, grooming habits—or sanity. Needless to say, after returning home from Iraq, my wife had that beard shaved clean before I could even take off my boots. It was the old ultimatum: "Either (insert the thing your wife can't stand here, in my case the beard) goes or I go." Now I'm sporting a much tamer version, without the dreadlocks.

K: The new version looks great on you, and I like your wife already. Can I get you some more pie? Or another beer? No? Ok then, if you're ready, I'm ready so let's get started with

TEN QUESTIONS FOR BRAD NELSON

K: Brad, don't take this the wrong way, but you're kind of a wild man. The first day we met and you showed me your backyard samurai video I knew that you were my kind of people. But I really have to ask you, when you licked the ketchup off the really really really sharp sword were you at all worried about slicing off your tongue?

B: Funny you thould athk that.

K: You used to be an army interrogator, have you found that your army training serves you at all in your role as editor of a magazine?

B: No. Let the record state that I have never yelled at any of my editors in an effort to get their feedback on submissions in a timely manner, and let the record further state that I have never interrogated an editor in an effort to discover exactly how the internet "ate" his responses for that week's submissions. Furthermore, I can neither confirm nor deny the use of "extreme measures" to coerce an editor to change his or her opinion of a submission. Does that answer your question?

K: I happen to know that you really enjoy zombies and the undead in general. Is there anything traumatic from your childhood that you'd like to share?

B: Yes, and it still haunts me to this day. Remember the book fairs we had back in school, usually junior high and middle school? Remember the one-dollar bargain book table? Well, I didn't have much money growing up, so all of my book fair books came from the bargain table. And in the sixth grade, I found myself at the book fair with one dollar in my pocket and very few books staring up at me from the bargain table. A blue one with "God" in the title caught my eye, so I picked it up and read the back cover. It was something about a sixth-grader dealing with school and growing up. Hey, I'm a sixth-grader dealing with school and growing up, I thought.

Well, I bought the book and ended up learning about pre-teen female issues—buying bras, having your first period, sanitary napkins, boobs from a female perspective, etc.—way before any boy should have to. Why didn't the lady selling the books know better than to let a little boy buy that book? I still imagine that lady getting together with friends at some librarian bar, laughing and saying, "This round's on me, girls. You'll never guess what book I just sold to a little sixth-grade boy."

Damn Judy Blume and her Are You There, God? It's me, Margaret. I'm sorry. I can't talk about this anymore.

K: Your work has a lot of range to it from flash filled with gore and blood and guts to really quite lyrical romantic poetic pieces. I think I understand how you tap into the blood and guts but how do you get in touch with your more feminine side?

B: AHHHHH, DAMN YOU JUDY BLUME!!!

K: Are you ever frustrated when something that's submitted to EF that you love gets vetoed by your editing staff?

B: Yes and no.

Yes because I have to go and tell someone his or her piece "isn't what we are looking for right now, but please continue to submit more work," when what I would like to say is "this piece is amazing and I would be happy to include it in the next issue of Eclectic Flash."

No because, as the name implies, our publication is eclectic. We are attempting to appeal to a wide audience, and you can bet if our editors—ranging in age from 22 to 77, with both males and females—all agree on a piece, then it definitely has merit and will appeal to the broadest group of readers.

K: I can't imagine you reading your gorier flash to your very young son, but I can imagine you reading books that are age appropriate to him. When you read to him do you do the voices and the animal sounds?

B: Yes. And while I was in Iraq, I would record video of myself reading to him at least once a month, and then mail him the book and the video—of daddy with crazy eyes and dreadlock beard reading Green Eggs and Ham. My wife played them for him nightly, and he cried himself to sleep wondering who the psycho on the TV was.

My son is three now, and his favorite book—at least for this week—is Dr. Seuss's Star-Belly Sneetches. He calls them "Strawberry Sneetches," and it cracks me up when he "reads" it to himself, half remembering and half making it up as he goes along based on the pictures like all kids do.

K: You're among friends here, so tell us what was the last thing that you bought in the toy store that was "for your son" but you actually bought it so you could play with it?

B: Are you kidding me? Every single toy I have ever bought him has actually been for me. They have to be. He makes me play with them for hours on end with him. So far, I have forced my love of samurai swords upon him, as well as my love of dinosaurs, fishing, Nerf guns, classic board games, indoor rock climbing, Hot Wheels cars, books, soccer balls, baseballs, and the list goes on and on.

K: Do you have a hidden talent like pulling your shoulder out of the socket to escape straight jackets, wiggling your ears or telepathy………… anything like that?

B: And you claim to have watched the Backyard Samurai Vs. the bottle of ketchup video? I'll let you in on a little secret. That video was originally three seconds long, including the opening title shot and closing comments. The special effects wizards responsible for The Matrix movies had to work their magic on that video just so mortals could view it.

K: Childhood hero? Favorite band? Worst movie you ever saw?

B: Freddie Krueger? Wait, um… He-man? GI Joe? Uh… No, I guess it was Freddie. He was so cool, definitely the best part of growing up in the '80s. There has never been another decade of children growing up in such fear for their lives. God bless you, Freddie Krueger.

I don't think I have a favorite band, which was probably the worst part of growing up in the '80s. Wait, can I change my answer? Nah, never mind, I don't have a favorite band. I'm listening to Ben Folds Five right now, and Ben is trying to get me to vote for them.

Worst movie? Twilight! (Whoops, did I just say that out loud?)

And finally:

K: If you were ruler of the universe what would be the first change that you would implement to impose your will on the lesser mortals under your control?

B: Are you familiar with the Warhammer dark fantasy novels? Oh, just the first change, huh? Well, as Supreme High Samurai Overlord of the Universe, my first decree would be: (my voice would thunder in all caps, of course) THERE SHALL BE NO SPARKLY VAMPIRES!

K: Thank you Brad for coming in to visit with me today. To show my appreciation I'd like to present you with this custom Miscellaneous Yammering velvet smoking jacket to wear when you sit on your patio with your pipe. In deference to the fact that you live in the desert I asked the tailor to make it without sleeves. Wear it in good health and let me know if it starts a fashion trend in your home town.

B: If I might ask a final favor: could you have your tailor also cut it off above the navel?

[the scene fades out with Karen laughing hysterically]

I'm pleased to announce that the Nelson's added a new son to their family on December 26, 2009.
You can see Brad Nelson's very interesting mind at work here at Weirdyear and also here at The New Flesh.

Ten Questions Tuesday with Jimmy Maguire

Today Miscellaneous Yammering is pleased, proud and pretty much tickled pink to present the lovely and talented amazingly huggable, eclectic, well rounded, gorgeous and hunky not to mention extremely mouth wateringly sexy Jimmy Maguire for today's edition of Ten Questions Tuesday.
Jimmy is a singer/songwriter/musician/philosopher and recently released his new EP  23 Days to the universe. Here's the Promo Video…… I'll wait while you watch it while dancing around and humming the jeopardy theme. Ok, everybody back now with "Disappear" rocking around in their heads? [Love that song!] I know it will be hard, but try to wait til after the interview to download all the songs to your iPod, right now let's jump right in and get started finding out what makes Jimmy tick.

K: Hey Jimmy honey it's great to see you, it's been a while.  I see that you're already enjoying your green tea and your bowl of blueberries. Can I get you anything else? No? Well I just have to say you look great…. I mean really great ...and smell even better…..[wonders if she said that last part out loud]……who is that you're wearing on your tee shirt?

J: That's Janis. Janis Joplin. A good friend of mine took me to a concert in her honor and I fell in love with this shirt. I took Janis home with me.
K: Lucky Janis…..I love Janis, I don't know how I blanked on Janis…… I must have been distracted by something.... wow, that's really soft material.....

[people start to stare]

Oh, right….ok, well then if you're ready Jimmy I'm ready so lets get started with
 
TEN QUESTIONS FOR JIMMY MAGUIRE
K: Jimmy your energy offstage is drastically different than onstage. How do you whip yourself up for a performance and let all that pent up star power shine out to the audience?

J: Well something happens when my feet feel a stage beneath me. I feel the energy of the room, the energy of the audience; I feel my own energy within me. I feel my fingers and palms resting on the guitar-strings. I know that as soon as I strike them a door opens and all the emotion within me is allowed to go through. I feel and think in terms of notes and stillness, silence and sound, and my tools become the guitar and amplifiers. I stretch & bend the strings of my guitar and I saturate my vacuum-tube amplifiers. And it goes deeper...words come alive; their meanings are uncovered and tested. Words stand and cry & holler for my life and lives of those I love. I open my heart and my voice and I am filled with melody. I feel the guitar I'm holding covered in sweat, and I am transformed. 
K: If you could have any guitar that was ever made, what would you have? And would you name it?

J: I am endlessly enamored of both electric and acoustic guitars so think I will need more than one... a Wine-Red 50's Gibson Les Paul Custom Electric Guitar, an old Gibson Acoustic Guitar with a cutaway, something unusual like a Gretcsh with a Bigsby or an old voodoo-infused Telecaster. That would be my harem.  And actually, one I already own would be in there as well, she's had many lives already and has become a part of me. She's sleeping now, and has two names.  To the world I've always called her Phoenix, but there is so much of my sweat on her sanded maple body to me she has become my DNA. 
K: How old were you when you first started performing?

J: I started playing lead guitar at concerts in high school.
K: Have you ever bombed?
 
J: I once bombed in the role of sound technician. It was the hardest I ever worked, there were unspeakable circumstances and insurmountable odds, --looking back I'd say even though the bomb went off I saved the town. (Laughs) It is a favorite memory of mine that I laugh and cringe at often.  But, as a musician, fortunately I can say no. 

K: Describe the perfect night onstage.

J: Every night is a perfect night, each with a unique set of imperfections.  Sometimes a simple technical annoyance like not being able to hear myself sing will frustrate me and that emotion comes out in my guitar and voice. Imperfections become the obstacles that keep me alert and present while navigating a familiar course.
K: If making music was suddenly illegal would you still do it?

J: If breathing were suddenly illegal would you still do it?
K: Jimmy you know I'm a tree hugger and I don't want to shock your fan base or anything so I'll leave you some wiggle room and say that  I think that  you might be one  as well, do you find time to keep nature in your life now that your music career has taken off?

J: Tree hugging!  (Laughs) Excellent question.  Well, a good friend of mine pointed out that the guitars I play and wear against my body all day long are made out of wood from trees. I immediately went out to thank a tree for giving the world guitars... so I gave it a hug.  I've never stopped thanking them. 
K: A genie gives you three wishes. What would you wish for?

J: A Healthy Family. Beautiful Music.  Prosperous Music. 

K: Name your favorite rocker, your favorite album, your favorite super hero, your favorite food, and your favorite thing to do at three in the morning.

J: Fav rocker: Richie Kotzen, fav album: Born to Run, fav super hero: my son Noah, fav food: vegetables, at the moment fresh fennel, favorite thing to do at 3am... if I am alone... drink coffee and write music, if I am not alone... wake 'em up and see if they want to play.
And finally:


K: When you're rich and famous and living on your own private island right next door to Johnny Depp's private island can I come visit?

J: Yes, of course.
K: Jimmy it was a pleasure having you here at Miscellaneous Yammering today. To show my appreciation I'd like to present you with this custom cozy for your guitar case. It has multiple slots for things like pics, extra guitar strings and a tiny pencil and paper for when you're inspired and just have to write a snippet of lyric down before you lose it.
 
J: That is sooo sweet and exactly what I need.  
Jimmy's music is available on iTunes, Amazon, LimeWire, Rhapsody, LaLa, Shockhound  and at veryjimmy.com where you'll also find his upcoming performance schedule. 

Ten Questions Tuesday with Aaron Bonk

Today Miscellaneous Yammering is thrilled to present the lovely and talented, limber, lithe, artistic, athletic, impossibly graceful and extremely sexy Aaron Bonk. Aaron is a performance artist and an object manipulation specialist…… in other words…..he juggles stuff….often while he's on stilts and what he's juggling is on fire or actively trying to slice him limb from limb. And did I mention he's funny? He's pretty funny…. [no pressure there Aaron] so with only a little further ado, we'll get started with today's installment of Ten Questions Tuesday…..[here comes the further ado]

K: Ok boys, light the fuse…….kids…… don't try this at home …… Aaron's a professional………

Minions, please protect your ears and hold your applause until today's guest is shot out of a cannon and safely deposited into his interview chair and then and only then, help me to welcome Aaron to the stage  by stomping, whistling and clapping [or just throw money].

K: Wow Aaron, nice job on sticking the landing…. thanks for coming in to see me today. I didn't know you were going to show up in costume. What do you call that character?

A: I call him"El Bonko!"  He's a lot of fun. 

K: Ah, and well, I must say, the transparent and mesh parts of your costume really give me some….how shall we say…insights into your talents.

A: Well, you know what they say……Merchandising, merchandising, merchandising...

K: Followed up by "location, location, location"….and I think you nailed that part pretty well too. Oh my, I think you're still smoking a little from the cannon….oh no wait, that's me… can I get a little water here, please?

K: Whew, ok, let's dive right into

TEN QUESTIONS FOR AARON BONK

K:  Aaron, you have a pretty dramatic hair cut, matched with dramatic facial hair.  When you're walking around in street clothes do people ever come up to you and ask you if you're a magician or musician or something?

A:  No.  Never out of the blue like that.  With a triangle Mohawk and matching soul patch, I think people just assume I'm an artist, punk or general freak.  It has helped greatly with recognition, though.  If they've seen my show, then they know it's me when they see me somewhere else.

K: Anybody who knows me knows that my three goals in life are to learn to juggle, play the guitar and levitate. You've got two of those down, are you working on the levitation?

A: I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.  That's actually a Stephen Wright joke.  Levitation doesn't really interest me much, though.  I want to FLY.  Douglas Adams said that to fly, you just have to throw yourself at the ground and manage to miss.  Unfortunately, I have really good aim.

K: You move around the country so that you don't have to stilt walk on ice and snow in Ohio during the winter.  Do you have a favorite place to perform?

A: Cleveland is my home and it is always so nice to go away for a while then come back and show people the performer I became while I was gone.  I've always received a great deal of support from my family, friends and the people of this city.  So, I love to go learn and grow and come back home and say, "hey, look what I brought you."  That's what the show at the Bridge Project was like--many people in that audience had seen my show before, but they had never seen THAT show.  Other than that, I love any warm place with sunshine and a beach.

K: Speaking of beaches, any plans to try juggling while surfing? Or would that be even beyond the skills of "El Bonko?"

A: I'd love to.  Actually, the 3 things I'd like to do in life are pilot a helicopter, learn stunt driving and learn to surf. Once I get the surfing down, I'm sure that the juggling will naturally follow.

K: The other night when I saw you use a bullwhip to cut a rose head away from the stem while a volunteer was holding it IN HIS MOUTH….that guy was so calm, and he kept mugging for the audience when you weren't looking, was he a ringer?

A: Nope.  He was just awesome.  I never use audience plants.  When I put that rose in the unsuspecting guy's mouth and then crack that whip for the first time and they find out what's about to happen--the genuine reaction is priceless.  And everyone reacts differently.  I love the beauty in that truth and the comedic potential is huge.

K: You use a lot of sharp things in your act. Have you ever been hurt on stage?

A: I've taken countless minor cuts and burns while performing, but once, while performing at a nightclub for a fetish party, I sliced the tip of my thumb off.  It didn't hurt right away because of the adrenaline, but the thumb has a major artery in it, so it started bleeding like crazy. I had about 5 minutes left in my act, so every now and again I would just turn around and nonchalantly suck all the blood off my thumb and continued going.  It was pretty dark and I played it off, so I don't think most people knew, but I bled all over the stage and my partner. Kind of worked with the event, though.

K: Have you ever gotten to a venue and found out that it was too short to stilt walk in?

A: Not quite.  I've found that there were really difficult spots to get through--like a long, low hallway between where I change into the stilt outfit and where I perform. But I usually discuss ceiling height before I get there.  If I need to I bring smaller stilts.

K: Your super power seems to be whirling objects in interesting ways.  When you become a professional juggler is there a ceremony where you stand around in a circle at midnight in hoods and the "elders" make you swear on your props [I know…but  balls was too obvious] to use your powers for good, not evil?

A: Absolutely not.  If I were prohibited from using my powers for evil, I don't think I would be in this business. Wink wink, nudge nudge...

K: If your life were a comic book what would it be called?

A: Probably "the Juggler."  At least, that would be my superhero nickname.  The Juggler would be like a batman-kind of hero--no supernatural ability, just really badass skills and slick gadgets.  All the different juggling props would do different things--exploding clubs and whatnot.  I used to pretend this a lot as a kid.  Okay, it was last week.

And finally,

K: You say you are determined to teach me to juggle……I'd be willing to try a little hands on experimenting. So…..can I handle your balls? [I know! But I refrained the first time]

A: Sure, but you've no idea where they've been. 

K: Aaron thanks so much for coming in to play with me today. To show my appreciation I'd like to present you with this custom three inch wide orange and neon green glow in the dark Miscellaneous Yammering garter to use during your cruise ship voyages. I sewed a little pocket into it that's big enough for room key cards, money orders or deeds to any old  Spanish villa that a lady might have lying around.  Wear it in good health and hopefully it will garner a lot of currency for you.  I'll enjoy picturing you wearing it when you bare your well muscled thigh on stage like you did the other night.

[ok, you guys are going to have to give me a minute]

 

 

Aaron performs all around the country. Here's a link to a few videos at his website of him performing.

 

Ten Questions Tuesday with Lauren C

Today Miscellaneous Yammering is as pleased as punch to be presenting the lovely, talented, very huggable, artistically minded and sweet smelling daughter of my heart - my "extra" daughter- Lauren C for your entertainment. Lauren has been in my life for many many years and watched me grow up as I watched her do the same. She is hilariously funny, wicked smart and very entertaining to be around. Especially when she dances.

So crank your stereos up to eleven, put your hands in the air like you just don't care and join me in welcoming Lauren C to Ten Questions Tuesday.

K: Hi Lauren Honey, sorry to make you get up before noon, but my minions are early risers. Is the coffee that we hooked up to the iv strong enough?

L: Oh, you mean there's coffee in this sugar? Well, in the words of my childhood hero, Tony the Tiger, it's gr-rrr-rrr-rrrreat!

On second thought, "Tony the Tiger" kind of sounds like a guy in the Italian mob. I imagine a square-shaped Don with rings on his fingers and greased-back hair, putting a heavy hand on Tony's shoulder... "Hey, Tony. I got a job for ya. See, there's somebody who owes me... owes me some breakfast cereal."

Also, thanks to Wikipedia, I now know that Tony has a Spanish alias: El Tigre Toño, which will totally be my name when I become a Mexican wrestler.

K: I really like the shirt you're wearing. Did you paint that cool design?

L: Um... yes. I painted it. With... stuff. That red spray? Not from zombies. Nope. It's from... hot wings!

K: Ah. I'd use a napkin next time then.

[a few minutes pass…we hum the jeopardy theme while the coffee kicks in]

K: I see that you can actually keep your lids open over your beautiful eyes now …. but I think that maybe we'll adjust the coffee drip a little bit to slow down the vibrating…..there... that's better…. now let's jump right in to

TEN QUESTIONS FOR LAUREN C

K: Since you're not quite awake, we'll start you off slow. Seen any good movies lately?

L: Here's a quick run-down: see Up if you haven't already. Pixar outdid itself, again. I cried, I laughed, I nearly snorted popcorn through my nose. It's got a tender but energetic story, well-rounded characters, and gorgeous visuals. And a funny dog.

Don't see District 9, because it would be way too gooey for you. At times it was a bit too gooey for me. Personally I believe blood should not spatter the camera lens more than once during any given film.

Still, it's a good sci-fi movie, I think. For once the aliens aren't the bad guys. When was the last time that happened? E.T.? And while E.T. looked like a goofy raisin with eyes (never liked him much), these aliens are kind of like bipedal lobster/grasshopper hybrids. And they have some charming quirks, like a taste for cat food. Imagine a big honkin' alien creeping up on your porch to nibble from your cat's bowl... that would be AWESOME.

And there's a little kid alien that is sooo cute.

But the one movie I saw that everyone must
see is... Cat in Tube. On YouTube. It's a cat. In a tube. Actually it's in the sleeve of a jacket.

I could watch that all day.

K: If you could be an animal, what kind of animal would you be?

L: A numbat, of course.

Or, if they're all out of numbats, I would settle from any of the ones from my list of animals-that-frequently-show-up-in-my-art-or-writing: crow, cat, raccoon, fox, and OWL OWL OWL (I love owls. It borders on addiction).

Mostly woodland animals... guess I'm showing my forest roots. Haha. Forest, roots... I made a funny.

K: What's the weirdest thing that you've seen a drunk college student do?

L: What haven't I seen drunk college students do? (What haven't I... uh... never mind) Actually, I'm rather disappointed in the local drunkies' lack of creativity. Mostly they do a lot of shouting, some staggering. Typical stuff. And then they all flock to Taco Bell or Wafflehouse to eat what is roughly defined as "food" to soak up the alcohol.

But no couches on fire! No pinatas in the street! No streaking, even! If they're going to be obnoxious, then I want some performance art, dang it!

...Off to buy some pinatas...

K: Describe something you saw in an art show or a catalog or a store or on tv that if you had all the money in the world you'd run right out and buy.

L: A llama! The Dalai Lama! The world's biggest ball of twine!

Actually, I'm pretty low-maintenance. I'm happy with a bottle of orange cream soda and a squeaky-toy shaped like a dolphin. Those were actually my last purchases. No lie.

But I'd probably buy the Sheep Throne. [type "sheep chair" into Google Images] It's terrifying. It's intimidating. It's #*%$ing nuts. And with that chair, I could rule the world. Mwahaa!

K: You recently had the opportunity to read some of your poetry in front of an appreciative crowd. Can you tell us a little about how the reading went? (Don't forget to tell us how many times the person who introduced you used the phrase published poet. )

[In my visual Lauren is wearing a fetching beret and black turtleneck with a bongo player behind her]

L: I did wear black. It was in a chapel. Yes. A holy place. And holy cow, it was awesome, even though I had to introduce myself. (Though I must say, it was a pretty good introduction. I shook my own hand for that one.)

Unfortunately I left my bongo player at home, but I shocked myself with how well it went. I was... funny. People... clapped.

And even though I read poems with bad words and two poems in a row about the apocalypse, tons of people told me I was the best reader of the night (out of five). Suffice to say that my head grew at least ten sizes that night. It was hard to fit through doorways for awhile.

K: Some of your beautiful artistic wares are now being sold in a shop. What's the dumbest thing that you've overheard someone say about anything that is for sale of yours or other artists?

L: Ok, it's not about stuff for sale, but my favorite comments are those mostly heard in art galleries/museums, generally in regards to Abstract Expressionist paintings, like Jackson Pollock pieces: "My three-year-old son could paint that!"

To which I want to shout, "But he didn't paint it, DID HE?!"

K: You have a lovely very tall boyfriend. He sometimes grows facial hair. Which do you prefer? Facial hair or clean shaven?

L: I'll be honest: clean shaven. My darling boyfriend can rock the facial hair for about a week, but then it starts to look kind of funny to me. Last spring he had a mustache-goatee combo that made him look a little too much like Wesley from a Princess Bride. Not that Wesley isn't a charmer - but that facial hair makes me giggle.

K: If you could add a body part to yourself, what would you add?

L: Hm. Probably something hopelessly nerdy, like retractable claws or laser eyes. I had a friend once who said she'd give up her right hand if she could have a paw instead. A tiger paw, specifically.

Intriguing people seem to glom to me... wonder why that is.

(Unrelated note: I love the word "glom.")

K: Which brings us right to, what superpower do you possess or wish you possessed?

L: If I told you, I'd have to kill somebody. Not you. Perhaps the postman, poor guy. Don't make me do that. How will I get my student-loan bills and Aldi circulars without him?

...Then again...

But I really can't think of any superpower I wouldn't want. Can't I have it all? I'd like a superpower-a-day calendar... Tear off the page, and you have that day's power. Monday you can fly, Tuesday you can walk through walls, Wednesday you can turn water into hot coffee, just in time for Donut Wednesdays at the office. Wouldn't that be great?

And finally,

K: When your story is written for future generations, what do you want wickipedia to write about you?

L: Oh, I expect there will be hundreds - nay, thousands - of people all trying to write their bit. My article will constantly have the "Needs citations" and "This article needs clean-up" tags over it. As long as there are plenty of links to other, completely unrelated articles, I'll be happy.

I imagine there will be a line or two about my fabulous debut/incredible crashing-and-burning at Miscellaneous Yammering, of course.

K: Lauren honey thank you so much for coming in to play Ten Questions Tuesday with me. I thought your debut was spectacular!

And I had a blast interviewing you. I don't know when I've giggled so much.

To thank you for playing I'd like to present you with a personalized Miscellaneous Yammering glow in the dark tiara and sidewalk chalk set.

Now I think that we should go to the park and walk off some of that caffeine. But the great thing is I'll have an opportunity to bring my camera and put the aperture on a slow speed. If I hold really still I think I can get some cool artistic shots of you vibrating like that.

L: G-g-g-geee t-th-thanks! I h-h-had a g-g-grrreat time!

Ten Questions Tuesday with Brett Battles

Today Miscellaneous Yammering is thrilled to present the lovely, talented, globe trotting, thrill writing, wii bowling, Sudoku solving, full time living the dream of writing for a living author….Brett Battles. Brett's new book Shadow of Betrayal just hit the shelves. It's the third in his Jonathan Quinn series.  Jonathan is a Cleaner. He makes things disappear. Body type things. Bullet type things. Evidence type things. Jonathan lives in a world shaded in gray. He takes the jobs that needs doing and does them well. Brett watches him do it, tells us about it and makes the stories riveting.

Minions please settle down, cap your beverages, return your seats to the upright position and join me in welcoming Brett Battles to Ten Questions Tuesday.

K: Good morning Brett, thanks for coming in to see me today. How was your flight from LA? Any mishaps? Did you or Jonathan have to dispose of any bodies on the way?

B: Well, there was one guy in 10B who I was tempted to help exit the plane at 35,000 feet, but I restrained myself. Otherwise it was fine.

K:  I see you brought me a copy of Shadow of Betrayal. Thanks! [opens it and looks inside] Oh, nice signature. I would think that having a signature that looks naturally at home on a dedication page would give you a hint that maybe you were destined for greatness. Did your autograph look like this from the fourth grade on or did you perfect it after you published The Cleaner and The Deceived?

B: What they don't tell anyone is that all soon-to-be-published go through an extensive signature perfecting course taught by specialists from the Institute of Advanced Handwriting. It's grueling work, but pays off in the end.

K: I did not know that. Well, ok then Brett, let's jump right into your questions with both big giant feet ….mine, not yours….although now that it's come up, I'm noticing that your feet are pretty darn big as well…hmmmm…you did say you were single, right?
[K hands him a note that says: "We'll talk after the interview"]

TEN QUESTIONS FOR BRETT BATTLES

K: Brett you actually like to travel to the places that you use for the setting in your books. Your current book begins in Ireland. Were you there while you were writing it?

B: No. I usually do all my writing when I return from my trips. The last thing I want to do is waste time in an interesting place cooped up in a room staring at my laptop.

K: You've said that you don't believe in writer's block, that it just means that you're stuck in the story and need to go a different way. Which of your books was the hardest in that respect?

B: That's easy. It was THE DECEIVED. Second books are notoriously the most difficult. Suddenly you're faced with deadlines and expectations you didn't have when you were unpublished. THE DECEIVED kicked my ass on a daily basis, but when it was all finally done, I was extremely happy with the result.

K: You quit your day job as an Executive Producer for E Entertainment almost a year ago now. Do you still feel like it's a dream come true to write for a living?

B: Definitely! Going though each day concerned with only my characters and how to move my plots along instead of being overwhelmed by the demands of dozens of people all needing something from my department is like heaven. Add in the fact that I've wanted to be a fulltime author since sixth grade, and I couldn't be happier.

K: You like to write in public, partly because you like to people watch. You told a story about seeing Death crossing Labrea when you were sitting in your favorite coffee shop one day. Do you think he was wandering toward the tar pits?

B: He was heading more in the direction of Hollywood Boulevard...which seems like a more apt trawling area for him.

K: Speaking of death, one of my favorite quotes of yours is "Hi, I'm Brett Battles, I kill with my keyboard."  

B: It's absolutely true. I'm not sure what my personal death toll is up to at this point, but it has to be nearly a hundred or even more. Each and everyone one of those snuffed out by my keyboard.

K: And staying with the topic of death but going on to death defying acts, you saved yourself from being killed by Manny Ramirez. What did you do to Manny to make him want to hit you with a line drive?

B: For some reason he got the idea that I was on the verge of tipping off the Commissioner's Office that Manny was on a female fertility drug. The fact that he was suspended not long after that was purely coincidental.

K: You're the second author that I've interviewed with an MC who drinks beer. Did you decide that for Jonathan, or did he tell you that he wasn't a slick martini drinking 007 kind of guy?

B: It was strictly a Quinn decision. But I'm more than happy to do the brand research for him. Let me tell you, there are a TON of great beers out there!

K: Your first writer's convention as a pre-published author was pretty awe inspiring for you. Your favorite things about the event were the number of free books you were given, snagging an agent and seeing Joe Konrath work a room.  Watching Joe is like watching the Tasmanian devil, did you get dust in your eyes?

B: Did I ever. Honestly, I was completely in awe of how he had the whole room in the palm of his hand. This was in Chicago, and I'm not even sure if his first book had actually come out yet. He's quite the showman.

K:  This being the third book in the series, have you learned anything surprising about yourself or about Jonathan as the books progressed?

B: Tons, but nothing I can share...could result in potential criminal charges. Hope you understand.

And finally……

K: Who is better at wii bowling? You or your daughters?

B: Early on it was me, but now...they beat me every time. It's humiliating.
 

K: Brett thanks so much for stopping by today to visit with me.  I really enjoyed having you and I'd like to thank you by presenting you with this Miscellaneous Yammering travel toiletry kit with your name and the date emblazoned on the side.

 And if you look closely, there's a secret compartment there in the bottom just big enough for a garrote, a tiny cyanide pellet and some extra black socks. Cause you can never have enough socks.

B: Not only can you not have enough socks, but they have a hell of a lot more uses than just covering your feet. Thank you so much for having me. I'll put the kit to work asap.

Brett Battles interviewed Jonathan Quinn at The Plot August 11th. You can read the interview HERE.
The interview was set at the Labrea tar pits and they discuss deep weighty issues like how many onions to put on a hot dog. It was quite entertaining.

To read more of Brett visit Murderati

A word from our sponsors

Dear Minions,

I am sorry to say that there is not a new Ten Questions Tuesday this week.

I am busy this Tuesday being probed by aliens (the ones studying human funny bones) so I didn't hook up a new tQt.

I'll be beaming up to the alien space ship for a couple of days to help them with their experiments.

Come back for a new tQt next week when I will have the pleasure of presenting a tQt with author Brett Battles.

You'll enjoy Brett's tQt.

Brett is funny and pithy while discussing Death strolling the streets of California and Manny Ramirez trying to kill him, then he goes on to talk about alternative uses for black socks and cyanide. Oh yeah, we talk about his books a little bit too.

So, since I'm not here for our regular tQt date, feel free to take tuesday to peruse things that you haven't already read on the blog.

And until Wednesday when I will be posting a new bare bones story……

Look at the pretty frog.

Ten Questions Tuesday with Les Roberts

Today Miscellaneous Yammering is pleased as punch to present the lovely, talented, very charming, quick witted and extremely sexy Les Roberts. Les is an author/actor/game show creator/game show producer/tv comedy writer/radio show host/book critic/ man about town. [whew!] He doesn't believe in sleeping apparently…. and oh yeah, he has one of the best looking lady friends that I've ever seen. This man enjoys his life folks, bet on it…… http://www.lesroberts.com/

Les's new book, King of the Holly Hop, his fourteenth book in this very successful series
is set, as are all of the other thirteen [insert the word freakin here in your head] books in the Cleveland area.

Please join me while I vigorously wave my Miscellaneous Yammering rally towel to welcome Les Roberts to today's Ten Questions Tuesday.

K: Good morning Les, thank you for coming in to see me today. I like your ascot, or is that a cravat? I always get them mixed up…but either way? Very James Bond. And it sets off your eyes quite nicely.

L: Actually it's a NOOSE, the kind that cuts off breathing and incurs violently bloodshot eyes---which is why it sets off my eyes so well.

K: Are you ready to get going? Do you need anything else to make you more comfortable? Are you ok with just the two strippers and that snifter of brandy?

L: If this were ten years ago or more, I'd want way more than just two strippers. (Truth be told, I've never been attracted to stripper types. Marilyn Monroe, Anita Ekberg, Jayne Mansfield never really turned me on, although I met Jayne several times and liked her as a person---VERY intelligent and funny. The real beauty that gets to me is in the eyes and face---see my website to find out why.) However, true love throws a wrench into things like that, so the brandy is just lovely---with maybe another one when we get further down into this questioning. BTW, I used to enjoy brandy---cognac, actually---all the time. Now, however, I've cut my alcohol consumption way down. And I NEVER drank when I was writing---or answering questions.

K: Got it…just enough strippers, just enough brandy for now, but leave the bottle….ok then, let's get started.

TEN QUESTIONS FOR LES ROBERTS

K: Les, a pretty boy actor type named Saxon was the main character in your first series of books, which are unfortunately out of print because I'd love to have a copy of An Infinite Number of Monkeys...but for your second series of books you chose to go a completely different way. Milan Jacovich could in no way be described as a pretty boy. (see artist's rendition here)

What made you decide to go with a more rough and tumble main character for the fourteen books (so far) in this series?

L: In Los Angeles, practically everyone IS a pretty boy or a drop-dead gorgeous woman, and Saxon was a pretty typical L.A. type, especially since he was also trying to be a successful actor. Now in Cleveland, there's a difference. I've rarely seen Cleveland women who would be noticed very much walking along Sunset Boulevard or Canon Drive (Beverly Hills), even though the woman I've been in love with for ten years (we met in NE Ohio) is very beautiful indeed. Same with men; I've never seen (or noticed) the rare "hot babe" male in Cleveland. Milan Jacovich, 40ish when the series began, is a big, tough-looking guy losing some of his hair, as many Slovenian men do, and walking around with a space between his teeth (so he can smile and spit in somebody's eye at the same time.) Saxon had a hair-trigger temper and was always getting into fights, some of which he loses because he's not nearly as tough as he thinks he is. Milan doesn't get into fights unless someone throws the first punch---and a guy 6'3" and 230 lbs who's big and wide enough to have played offensive nose tackle sure wouldn't make ME consider sucker-punching him. Saxon was something of a "playa," seducing a different female in each book. Milan is nowhere NEAR being a swinger, and from what I hear from readers, they like him because he's a decent, ethical man. He's certainly had his romances---like most people---but the books I write about him are much more about crime and murder and morality and less about screwing. (Is it OK to use that word, or should I substitute "making the beast with two backs" or "scoring" or, God help us for being so uptight, "having erotic congress"?)

K: No, Les, you're fine, you could have gone ALL THE WAY to for unlawful carnal knowledge.. and we would have been fine….well, most of us would have been fine…get that lady in the back some smelling salts won't you?

K: Milan drinks Stroh's beer. Does Milan drink Stroh's because a) it's cheap or b) because it tastes the same [pretty bad] warm or cold?

L: Milan drinks Stroh's Beer because he is a Slovenian, and almost ALL Slovenians in the Cleveland area drink it. I've been writing about him drinking Stroh's for fourteen books now, but never had one myself until last fall when I did a book signing in Mentor and a good friend took me to a restaurant for lunch whose owner was a huge Milan fan and delivered an ice-cold Stroh's to my table for me. I did drink it, and found that while not anywhere near my favorite beer, it wasn't all that terrible, either.

K: I love that in the most recent book Milan goes to his fortieth high school class reunion. Did you enjoy aging the character over the years?

L: He and I aged together. Actually when I began writing about him in 1988 he was a Vietnam veteran (in the book). Who knew I'd continue writing about him twenty years later? So yes, I had to age him, and it has given me an entire new "way to go" as far as a nearly sixty-year old private eye getting into trouble is concerned.

K: I have been known to say that the things that I write are as real to me as the things that I live. And that they are sometimes the same things, thinly disguised. You say that like me, your life bleeds into your work. That what you write you have either seen, or lived already. You have written a lot about the Cleveland mafia. So, if I need someone whacked, do you know a guy?

L: If I tell you I'll have to kill you. Let's just say I have many good friends of the Italian persuasion here in Cleveland, many of whom live on or around Murray Hill, i.e. "Little Italy." I also have many Irish friends, Jewish friends, Slovenian friends, etc.

K: You like pussies. [shut up minions] It's traditional for me to ask about pets. I'm sorry to say that you lost your muse, your beloved cat , Sonny. Is there currently a furry friend under your desk when you're writing?

L: Isabel, whom we rescued from a Michigan kennel, is a drop-dead beautiful Maine Coon Cat---and she wouldn't dream of sitting UNDER a desk---more like on top of it---or in my favorite chair---or in bed. She is the most demanding, manipulative, and loving female I've ever known.

K: You haven't allowed Milan to find true love. Since his divorce, he maintains an attitude of I'm a world weary PI, I carry a gun, I know how to use it and my feelings can't go all warm and fuzzy over some dame because then I could get distracted and get my head shot off. If you ever decided to end the series would you rather kill Milan off or have him ride off into the sunset with a beautiful woman by his side?

L: Milan hasn't found true love because he's so damn stubborn and set in his ways, i.e. there's black (bad) or good (white) and nothing in between. I believe that readers, especially women readers, love him because he IS a lonely guy, and they worry about him. If I fixed him up permanently, he'd lose a great deal of his fascination. But I have no plans of ending the series at all---I'll probably collapse at my desk writing it thirty or more years from now. But I'd never EVER kill him off. He is the narrator of all my books, i.e. he's actually talking to the reader. So if I kill him off, who is telling that last story, hmmm? Think about it, okay?

K: You've worn a lot of hats in your life. Literally and figuratively…you really rock a hat by the way, I've seen pictures….one of your early career moves really fascinated me because I have always been a huge fan of Paul Lynde and also of Lucille Ball. How the heck did you go from producing and writing for Hollywood Squares, regularly feeding Paul Lynde really really hilarious snarky lines to writing for the lovely and very unsnarky Lucille Ball? And since Lucy [if I have the timeline right] would have been single when you knew her…. I know a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell…..but just between us, did you ever see Lucy [lets be delicate here] in a state of dishabille?

L:Have you gone completely insane? Do you think I'd ever tell you WHO I slept with, especially if it's a major movie star but even if it weren't? Listen, kiddo, I firmly believe in not kissing-and-telling---about ANYONE. I have two children, and as far as the rest of the world is concerned, I am otherwise a virgin. Let's leave it at that. However, to somewhat defuse your speculation, Lucille Ball was more than twenty years older than I, and when I knew her she was very much married to Gary Morton, her second and last husband.

K: Speaking of redheads, you worked on the Andy Griffith show for a while, what was Ron Howard like as a kid? Ever pitched him something now that he wears his director's hat 24/7?

L: If I had a bald head like he does, I'd wear MY director's hat 24/7 too. No, I don't pitch movies anymore---I spent too many years of my life doing that. He was the only actor kid I've ever known who was completely normal---and that's why he grew up normal. And extremely talented, too. (I really loved his "Frost/Nixon" film.)

K: Over the years you've had a variety of actors in mind to play Milan in a movie. A) Would you write the screenplay? B) Would you write yourself a cameo and C) Depending on what age you wanted to start Milan out on the big screen, who would be your current choice to play him in a film coming to a theatre near you?

L: One of my books IS optioned for a film, and A) yes, I WAS asked, and I've co-written the screenplay already. B) I haven't written myself a "cameo," but the producers have insisted that Holly and I be background extras in one of the scenes. C) If I had my druthers, my #1 actor's choice to play Milan Jacovich would be Robert Mitchum, but sadly, he's dead---and if he were alive he'd be somewhere in his nineties. I DO have a current choice, but because we are negotiating with actors and directors and things, I dare not tell you his name. It is NOT, however, Will Ferrell, Mike Meyers or Ben Stiller, who have made the three worst films I've ever seen in my life: "The Land of the Lost," "The Love Guru" and "The Heartbreak Kid."

And finally……

K: You're an accomplished Jazz musician [the national women's bikini volleyball team, in tiny bikinis and three inch stilettos, parade waving and smiling hugely, wheel in a shiny black baby grand] would you favor us with a song? And for the print audience [did I mention that this interview was being simulcast in Dolby surround sound?] please describe the number as you play and tell us why you chose this particular piece to share with us today.

L: When I played piano professionally I knew approximately 7,000 songs (no kidding), but I doubt if I remember five per cent of them any more. My favorite song of all-time is completely unknown to anyone except a very few jazz players/singers: "Blackberry Winter" written by Alec Wilder and Lonis McGloohan. My favorite song many people (over the age of 40) have heard is "All the Things You Are" (by Jerome Kern and Oscar Hammerstein II). And then of course, when I was playing publicly and someone attractive walked in to listen, there were a basketful of what I always thought as "successful make-out songs." But I won't go into those here.

[After the applause dies down]

K: Les, that was beautiful. Thank you so much for coming in to see me today. I really had a lot of fun. Here's your Miscellaneous Yammering personalized brandy snifter with the date etched in the side. I'd love to have you back another day. I think we should make this a regular thing. How about you?

L: Like every Tuesday? Like I don't write book reviews for the Cleveland Plain Dealer, and attend and review on podcast two feature films every week? Like I don't make about 15-20 speeches every year all over the Midwest? Like editing a friend's novel (for the third time)? Like having a social life? And oh yeah, trying desperately to write at least one and a half books every year? Sure, let's make it a regular thing; I'm just not all that busy.

But seriously, thanks, answering these questions was fun.

K: [looks chagrined] You're absolutely right, what was I thinking?

We should make it every OTHER Tuesday then…..

Read the first two chapters of King of the Holly Hop
http://www.lesroberts.com/pages/chapters.html

You won't be sorry. Then you'll run, not walk to buy a copy so you can find out what happens next.

Ten Questions Tuesday with Daniel Radosh

Today Miscellaneous Yammering is pleased to present the lovely, talented, quick witted, charming and very liberally funny Mr. Daniel Radosh. Daniel is the author of Rapture Ready! an interesting and very hilarious book that takes a look at Christian pop culture written with earnest sincerity by a bright man with a slightly Jewish view of life, probably because he's Jewish, not Christian. His parents decided that being Jewish would be a good idea and as Daniel grew up, he agreed.

Daniel has been widely published in the likes of GQ, Playboy, Spy Magazine and The [freaking] New Yorker. [bows down and does the I'm not worthy] Minions, please put your thinking caps on and join me in welcoming Daniel to Ten Questions Tuesday.

K: Good Morning Daniel. Thanks for coming in to see me this morning. Can I get you anything else or are you fine with just that warm tap water, the green M&M's and the one cracker that you asked for?

D:Van Halen's legendary and seemingly crazy demand that there be no brown M&M's backstage was actually very shrewd. They had a long rider full of important technical and safety instructions, but there was no way to know, when they arrived at a venue, whether anyone had actually read it. So they stuck in the M&M clause way down at the bottom. If they found brown M&M's in the bowl they knew someone hadn't been thorough, and could demand that everything be checked. All of which is to say, Where's my other cracker?

K: Oh man, I was SURE it was only ONE cracker. Sorry, here you go. Is everything to your liking now?

[Daniel nods since his mouth is stuffed with crackers]

K: Oh, good, alright Daniel, now that you're settled and have BOTH of your crackers, let's jump right in to

TEN QUESTIONS FOR DANIEL RADOSH

K: Daniel, you were obsessed for a while with Harry Potter. I read a piece that you wrote in Harry's voice about how intensely interested he was in having sex with Hermione. I had no trouble with that storyline, but I did have trouble when you had Harry say to himself the words "Ron and I in all our youth and glorious beauty" or some such. Have you SEEN the movies? Have you SEEN the actors who play Harry and Ron? And as a follow up……do you go to the eye doctor on a regular basis?

D: Is Daniel Radcliffe not a hottie? I'm not the best judge of such things, but I was under that impression. He certainly buffed up for Equus. But more to the point, that piece was written long before there were any Harry Potter movies, and it wasn't in Harry's voice so much as Dave Eggers as Harry. I like to think that to this day, Harry Potter and the Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius is the definitive Eggers parody.

K: I found you in a round about way. Judy mentioned that her urban dictionary had a definition of porn based on Shakespeare as Bardcore….I thought that idea was funny and wanted to spoof some Shakespeare titles as porn movies for her….yeah guys, email me more, I'm fun at 2:00am….and when I typed Bardcore into google there you were writing an article for Playboy. So, my question is…did you go into the 7-11, buy 50 copies for your relatives, and tell the cashier that you were just buying them for the articles?

D: I have a comp sub and my deadbeat relatives can buy their own copies.

K: Daniel, you live with a wife and kids. But nowhere in all of the multi leveled research I did (hee hee hee) does it say what kind of pet you own. My minions are a pet lovin kind of crowd. You need to talk about your pet(s) here. It could go either way at this point and make or break book sales for you. And we're rooting for you, we really are. We WANT to buy your book, but we're not quite there yet.

D: I have two adorable new kittens and one increasingly grouchy older cat. Unless your readers are dog people, in which case I totally have puppies. That book is on sale now at Amazon.

K: Ok, speaking of your book, I loved the excerpt where you talked about attending Christian Rock Concerts. Will you talk a little about that for us please?

D: I hit several Christian music festivals during the year I spent researching Rapture Ready! It was one of those festivals that actually got me interested in the Christian pop subculture to begin with. I tagged along with my born again sister-in-law and after one band played, her friend came running over and gushed, "Awesome performance! They prayed like three times in a twenty-minute set." For someone who has attended plenty of rock shows but never heard them judged by that criteria, I found the whole thing simultaneously familiar and disorienting in a way that was incredibly intriguing. Most Christian rock is pretty bad, as I suspect you know, but I did find plenty that isn't. On my blog I have a list of some of my favorite Christian bands. Come in and listen for yourself if you don't believe me. Of course, you don't hear much of these artists at Christian rock festivals or on Christian radio.

K: So what other kinds of music floats your boat? And you can even admit to disco here if it's disco, or old eighties style funk. But if it's country western? I'm gonna have trouble wrapping my brain around that, sir.

D: You'd better sit down. Well, if you say country western, as some people do, to indicate the slick, mainstream music out of Nashville, no, I'm not really a fan. But country music in the broader sense is indeed one of my favorite genres, from Williams (Hank) to Williams (Lucinda), with plenty of stops along the way for Bob Wills, Willie Nelson, Doc Watson, and almost anyone with Cash or Carter in their names. Should I go on? If it helps, I'm also a big fan of teen pop, as readers of my blog are aware.

K: Well, as it turns out I CAN wrap my brain around that definition of country, but you forgot Patsy Cline, Patsy would be at home within any music collection.

K: I'm assuming that you fly a lot. Especially right now for your book tour. What's the oddest thing that you can tell me about [ie without involving me in the lawsuit or getting me visited by homeland security] that has happened to you while traveling?

D: I'm assuming you don't fly a lot if you think interesting stuff happens while traveling. Airports and airplanes are about the dullest places in the world. However, the other day a friend of mine was on a flight where the attendants made a guy turn his bowling shirt inside out because it was decorated with (cropped) stills from what appeared to be vintage porn movies.

K: I told you that I'd bump your interview for Steve Martin if Steve showed up first in my inbox, and you turned around and said that you'd bump me for Katie Couric. Now, I have an inordinate fascination with Steve, are you obsessed with Katie? And does your wife know about your secret?

D: I wish I could play along, but that was just the first interviewer-type person I could come up with. I actually don't watch TV news at all.

K: You go out to a nightclub. When you go in the door you notice that the bouncer is wearing the EXACT same outfit you have on. Describe the outfit, and who rocks it harder? You or the bouncer?

D: It's a bowling shirt decorated with stills from vintage porn movies. And I'm rocking it harder because I'm wearing it inside out.

K: Have you ever cheated on your taxes? (you can sidestep this one if you want, I'm being audited and they said that it would go easier on me if I could throw other writers to the wolves….kinda like McCarthyism, but with the IRS)

D: I pay an accountant to cheat on my taxes for me.

K: My favorite Jesus based tee shirt was worn by my friend Justus Brake the night that I met him. It said "What would Jesus do for a Klondike bar?" On your blog you talk about Christian tees and also about bible verse golf balls. I love the idea of bible verse golf balls, tell us more about them and did you buy dozens and dozens of boxes to give away to your friends?

D: The idea is that if you lose one, at least you're spreading the Word. For me, it's always the little details that put something over the top. The truly awesome thing about Gospel Golf Balls is the pastor's endorsement on the box: "This golf ball is the most effective outreach tool I have ever seen in golf." I mean, how many golf-based outreach tools are there? Does someone make a Cleansed by His Blood ball washer?

K: Daniel, thank you so much for coming in to play Ten Questions Tuesday with me. I don't have a tiara for you, because, well, frankly you'd probably look silly in a tiara, but I do have these interesting Miscellaneous Yammering argyle socks that I had knitted just for you. See, they have your monogram and everything.

I hope you wear them in good health and think of our little chat fondly and often….kinda like you think about Katie Couric.

D: Who?

 

As a follow up....Daniel was just hired to work on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart!!!!
I couldn't be happier for him!! Here's a link to his announcement. And HERE is the delectable Jon Stewart using Daniel's material
Go Daniel Go!